Tuesday, Day 13 of 365, the year of 2009

It is very early in the morning, and I am awake... well, sort of anyways. My mom is still house sitting, so I am pretty much able to wake up with the slowness that I need, no interuptions, no pollyanna "good mornings" that are forgotten, and then resaid the next time I walk down the stairs...

sometimes, when mom does that, I find myself thinking ~ am I not important enough to be remembered for the past five minutes? Does she really look right through me? (which is true...my mom does not think to much of me, even though I am the only one that she ever has contact with)

**sigh**

then, a scarier thought takes over... I am really beginning to think that mom has some sort of dementia goin' on. When I ask her about it, she waves her hand and says things like;

"I've got to many things on my mind to think about the fact that I already saw you this morning"

or;

"I did NOT see you this morning!"

or, after a look of confusion that she simply can not hide,

"Can't I say good morning more than once??"

**sigh** I try to talk to my sister about it, but she is so in denial... and I know for a fact that if you want to have any kind of life, that you must get treatment SOON for such things. If only to slow the progression.

I do hope that mom snaps out of whatever is happening ~ I do hope that it is just the stupid way that she is dealing with her life ~ I DO have my SIL behind me though, she sees all of this too ~ Not that it does any good, as my bro just kind of sits back and waits for my older sister to do something...

**sigh**

so, this morning I go do a stress test ~ I get to walk on a treadmill while hooked up to monitors.

oh yay. With the chest pains I've been having, my blood pressure will NOT go down, and the stress levels here at the house... with that, & being fat and out of shape not withstanding, at least we will have some kind of baseline figured right? Oddly enough, (fat part) I do not over eat ~ and I am not fibbing about this. There is sommat wrong with me.

**shrug** all this on charity care... Lovely. Lets add to the worthlessness that I always feel, eh? PILE it ON, I can TAKE IT!!

:P

I have decided that I am SOOO asking for anti depressents ~ This whole thing cycles through each month (HEY look! a PATTERN) but each month it gets worse...

Top it with this whole job search thing (four turn downs yesterday alone) is really harsh on a person, especially one that is only half here to begin with. The daily struggle to figure out who/what I am, added on to the huge sense of failure that hits me with each opening of the emails...

eyah. It sucks.

Much toward the the suckage end of stuff, t2k is coming to visit me. The girls being gone is a HUGE part of what is "wrong" with me ~ Though I think she is going to be only be here two weeks, even that feels really long at this point. I mean... seriously here... do I even WANT her to be here? What exactly is she looking for?

**sigh** Guess I am going to find out, and have to figure out how to deal.

so. That is it for the morning of Tuesday, Day 13 of 365, the year of 2009.

I think I'm going to go back to bed...

update 11:09 a.m.

Passed my stress test with flying colors. :) go me!! BUT!!!

I may have asthma ~ moved hay this morning, and when I do such, I can not but help inhaling dust, alfalfa and all that...

SO!

on to the next task....