nearly done with 2008

We went out this evening, I've had one to many margaritas... I LOVE the strawberry ones, and the lime didn't taste half bad either...

but! that much tequila makes mogsie sooo very tired.

and it is only 9 o'clock here.

I'm off to check the backs of my eyelids for light leaks.

See you in 2009.

come on viggo, us oldsters need to be off to bed.

:*

Happy Birthday to me...

it is snowing again... all we get is MORE and MORE and MORE and MORE...

At least I am not living in Spokane, they have better than 5 feet now ~ nearly as much as I am tall.

I could not get down the street to feed the horses this morning, and I tried TWICE. Second time I made it to the house before the driveway I must go down, but that was it for that try. Everyone pushes their snow back out onto the road, making it hazardous ~ if I hear ANYONE complain about it, I will raise hell. I personally have gotten hit by snow being tossed by someones snowblower.

Idiots.

Got the burm done out front, now I need to blow the rest of the driveway. I am kind of waiting for the garbage man so I do not have to stop once I get going. He is probably stuck over on the other side of the river.. .like I said, the roads are REALLY bad.

Today I am 50 years old, and as the morning wears on, I FEEL it. I soooo need a doctors care of some kind, I can not manage this crap by myself. I made zero dollars in the month of December, so I am hoping that the state of Washington will now help with the medical...

Vain hope I am sure, but... I will try once again to get help.

Sadly, I get to the place where I have no hope, and it is easier not to try. If my heart implodes, I will not have to deal with all the shit any longer, so **shrug** really isn't much difference to me either way.

Scary, eh? But what else do I do? I am only human after all, my faith gets worse than shaky a lot these days, and the pollyanna crap that my mother puts me through only makes it worse ~

yes, I really DO need to move. To that end, I am hoping that I can get a post office box so I know where my mail is going all the time, and then it does NOT matter where I live.

:)

off to finish up the coffee, and wait a bit more for the trash man... I've lots of clean up work to do before I plow, so I can do that while I wait too.

Come on viggo, coffee is hot. Get yer butt outta bed.

:*

nothing

Exactly what I did yesterday.

zero, zip, nadda. I have some seriously huge issues with my mother... I must get on with moving away from here.

**sigh** yeah. that is the way it must be, ya know?

:)

Been across to feed the horses, will run back in a few to put them all together. Bud and Angel are spending their time across the fence, it is funny because when they are together, all they do is argue.

Old married couple.

After doing the "poor me" thing, I thought it through ~ I will continue to make full dinners for four people, and freeze portions ~ most everything I like tastes better the second time around anyways, so I think it would be a good thing to do.

Costs less that way also.

Still, it really brought home the loneliness, and the lost feelings I have about what I want to do with my life.

**sigh**

;)

so viggo... will you marry me?

snowy, snowy, snowy and planning

**sigh**

just spent the past two hours trying to plan out some kind of life... and I started with making a (an?) eating plan, as in... actual MEALS.

very hard to plan for one when one is used to planning for three or four...

**sigh**

makes me lonely to think about it. I don't even want to eat any more...

**sigh** yeah, I know. stupid. but hey... it hurts. I am alone. I have nothing here but me. Being with me is boring, and very hard to do. Hell... I'm not even sure I like me. No one else seems to, so why should I???

**round and round mogsie goes**

~ Some good things about me ~

I am prompt in most things.
I am loving, even if the loved one is not being lovable.
I am forgiving.
I am capable of many things.
many things...

Just because I can't think of them right now doesn't mean a DAMN thing!

I gots to go load more hay.

:*

as of this very moment...

I STILL hate snow...

It warmed up yesterday, and I had a chance to catch up on the driveway, and the extras... thing I did not get done was taking the rest of the hay to the barn.

Dammit. NOW I have to do it in the SNOW.

Life sucks, and then ya kick the tin bucket, ya know? **shrug** Wouldn't be right if it weren't easy, eh???

SO!!!

off to do what I gotta do. the snow will not stop ~ so guess I can not either ~ at least until I have some of the bales moved, ya know??

(hugs) from me, and sorry to get you wet viggo ~ put yer boots on, we've hay to move!!

:*

As of this VERY moment

I hate snow...

**sigh**

whadda ya do?

Today, it is finally warm outside. After many many weeks of sub freezing and sometimes sub-zero temperatures, we've a heat wave in the works...

It is nearly 25 degrees!!!

O.O

I'm happy to say that I plowed the driveway this morning, we had about a foot of new over night and it was getting heavy by the time I made it out there at about 10 or so ~

I THINK I taught my mother how to use the snow blower ~ Now I can only hope that she remembers how, ya know?

**sigh** won't happen, but there is always a chance, right?

Baby has been hanging on me all day. If I am sitting down, she is sitting on me. Of course, at this moment, it is probably because the tuna can exploded all over my shirt and I have not changed my shirt yet...like the joke about the baby and the pork chop.... :)

Christmas is gone, and I thank the powers that be for it. I STILL have not gotten paid by the theater, I may call to see if anyone else has...but that is why I did not buy any thing for anyone ~ that and I thought we'd agreed to NOT buy stuff. No one but me went along with that, so... yeah. I was left feeling stupid, and very loserish ~ I had a DVD pack of cartoons, and a box of 64 crayons...

:)

now all I need is a good coloring book. Can't find one though ~ I'd appreciate any ideas anyone has~??!!! I don't do stickers, and I do not really care for the modern cartoons... maybe Vermont Country Store has some good ones. They have some really cool old stuff in their catalog and on their website. :)

**sigh** oh well. I fought with my youngest, she was being a disrespectful bitch, and my mom wanted to leave early, so that is where it stopped.

but hey. My mom was not by herself on Christmas... screwed my christmas up to the point where I want to cry, but hey... mom had company...

shit. again, I lose. all the time, I lose.

it sucks.

**sigh**

whadda ya do, except the right thing?

eh?

come on viggo, time for the night food run to the Budman.

:*

blue

I'm home, the cats are sticking to me, the dogs are asleep. I called up to let everyone know we were home, and I did not talk to anyone... SO!

I know now that I was right in thinking that I should NEVER have let t3k go live up there. Of course... I don't want her to live here either, because I hate living here, but hey... whatever, right?

SO!!!

Nap time, I did not sleep at all well, and my mother made me insane, and I am stressed out, and...

yeah.

:* welcome me home viggo ~ I soooo need the hug.

fromt the hinterlands

so...I am in the hinterlands. It was a long and snowy drive up, and the two mile road into their driveway was NOT plowed, and we made it TO the drive...

I will try to get out in the mess tomorrow and get some pictures. My mom (grandma to the girls) came with me... I TOLD her it was in the sticks, and now she finally believes me.

I think I should have stayed in Leavenworth.

**sigh**

so.

yeah.

I miss viggo.

:*

the day after one more day before...

Snowin' to beat heck out there this morning ~ I've cleaned off the cars, run three bales of hay across to the barn, fed Bud, fed the rest of the ponies, and ... cleaned off the cars, taken the last of the pellets over to the barn for the LL to feed the Bud while I am away, PLUS I got the night time feeding ready...

And now? I am FINALLY having my coffee.

**sigh** It tastes extra nice this morning.

I was planning on leaving for the hinterlands today, but my mom has changed her mind, and is now going with me to T1/SIL's house ~ I am glad that she has. We will go for the day/night tomorrow, as my sister in law let me know that Fed Ex will have the things from their house here by five today ~ it will be a bit of a late start to the traditional Christmas, but that is okay. If Fed Ex gets here sooner, and we can get ourselves together, (won't happen) we may still make it up there tonight, but neither ma nor I feel like mushing radly about.

I personally do NOT have the energy to drive up today, so it is fine with me that we have to wait for the delivery. :)

T2k was here for about four days, and while I love having the girls here, it really does put a kink in the scheduling of my own life... as in... I do not get a thing done.

Odd how quickly I adjusted to NOT having to do things for someone else all the time. If I thought to much about it, I would consider it very sad that I spent so much of my time doing for everyone but me.

I am quite sure that I would be in much better shape all the way around if I had known then what I know now, ya know?

:p

Nearly noon, and the snow is now colder (drier) than it was. It takes more of it to fill the drive way when it is this dry ~ if that makes any sense?!

I just need run to the store before they close for the day, we need soda for tomorrow.

**poke** Viggo? You awake?

Just thought you'd like to know it is your turn to shovel the driveway.

one day left

It is gray here again, and I am grumpy this morning ~ though that is not the reason why. The reason why is that I called my ex, and he was his typical asshole self...

**sigh** and I thought he had changed a bit more than that. **shrug** maybe he was just having a bad day, he didn't want to talk, or whatever... But it made me upset, and mad.

No, I don't know why ~ because I am SUPER STUPID that way?

So. t2k goes back over there today, and I shall actually miss her. I do not feel this way when t3 leaves, I think that is because I see her more, and attend her concerts, and games and things. There is no where for me to stay if I were to go to Seattle, not with the Ex's mom living with them right now.

I could sleep on the floor of t2's bedroom maybe... guess that it really is time to take more time for her. Though she was the one that decided she did not have time for me...

**sigh**

I don't know, it will work out.

I am headed into the hinterlands for Christmas day... I hope I do not get stranded up there. I am taking my knitting and things with... that way I have something to do instead of just sitting on my butt.

I hope that maybe we can go riding??

I actually do not want to go. How bad is that???

:P

so viggo, we've only one day left to do the stuff we got to do.

lets get to it!!

:*

Winter Solstice

Today is the shortest day of the year in the Northern Hemisphere ~ and I have done nothing today but SHOVEL freaking SNOW.

It is not that there is so much of it, our drive way is less than two car lengths...it is just that I am tired, and old, and it takes me forever to finish it...

I have a snow blower, but it stinks up my air, and is LOUD, and makes me hurt just as bad as if I had done it all by myself with just a shovel...

Only thing is that it IS faster.

**sigh**

Okay, now that I have finished my whinging...

It is snowing, and as it is nearly 13 degrees Farenhiet, the flakes are huge and piling up fast. (yes, I will have to shovel my self out again to feed the horse) It is a gentle snow, without any kind of hurry about it ~ just the slow float to the ground, to cover the earth up for its' winter nap.

I love it when it snows like this, everything slows down, and takes its' time on its way to where ever...

Now that I have had time to ponder this, I know that I have been feeling frantic ~ why, I do not exactly know. I think it may be that I feel the extra from other people around me, like their energy bleeds over into me, and I get the rushies along with everyone else.

Which, I might add, is really kind of silly. Okay... amend that to STUPID. I haven't any money, therefore do not have to go out and buy gifts, nor do I have a real job, so I do not have to deal with the grumpies that people generally seem to have this time of year...

So... yeah. I can slow down, take care of business, and do what I really should have been doing all the life long ~ celebrating the turn around of the year, the birth of the Christ child, and the long sleep that renews the earth...

yeah. The IMPORTANT things that come with this time of year.

Can you say "DUH" ??????

Happy Winter Solstice everyone. Take the time to celebrate the lengthening of the days, and the rebirth of the year.

Bless all that celebrate Advent, it is the fourth Sunday... time to light the pink candle on the wreath.

come on viggo ~ we've lanterns to make before it gets dark. I'm glad for the snow, we can leave them lit alllll night!

:*

BRRRRRR

Minus 9 Fahrenheit out there ~ it was -6, but the sun is about to rise, so it has dropped.

The horses were very happy to see me, I can't blame them. They probably didn't stand still to much last night because of the cold, which seems to make them hungry in the morning. I am thinking that I am going to cut the amount of the five o'clock feeding, and then stop back by on my way home to re-fill the dinner dishes so they have bits to eat over night.

Horses do best if they eat small amounts, and often. **shrug** at least Budman seems to anyways.

yes, that is a good plan. A feeding at 4-4:30ish, then one at 10:00 p.m. on my way home from work.

At least through the cold snap, ya know?

:)

t2k is "visiting" ~ well, she is here. I was hoping that MAYBE she would visit with me, but this is not the case. She is here to see her school chums, and whine at me about how hard her life is...

**sigh**

**shrug** Guess I should get used to it, eh? I certainly won't change what I am doing, or scheduled to do... there is not a reason to do so. The girls aren't interested in me ~

While that hurts, I can't be to upset about it, mostly because being upset is a waste of time that I can put to use elsewhere in my life.

I just know my status for sure now, and will not say yes to them sleeping in the living room for three days while they visit about. They can stay with their "friends" while they are here instead.

Baby Cat is killing the evilness that struck last weekend... my black fuzzy slippers have become the latest play thing. She will stalk them from every angle possible, attack at random, and just plain going insane all over their little fuzzy butts occasionally.

Currently, she is hanging from Harleys nose ~ he is very gentle with her actually, but I still have to watch him. He is just 10 months old! :)

Today is taken up with making cookies to take to the last show tomorrow night, and maybe running downtown to see the lights again. I 'd go straight to work from there, it is just up the street from the downtown area. **shrug** I need to go look at Cross country boots, but I do not know that I want to fight with the crowds to do it. I'm thinking that there won't be to much in the way of crowds, the Cascades/Seattle are in for some pretty rought weather. Folks are probably worried about getting home from here if they come over ~ Can't say as I blame them, ya know? Not that anyone would have anything to DO in Seattle... the city is currently (pretty much) shut down from the last few inches that they got.

I think I shall nap until 10 now ~ ten being when I run back to fill water, open gates and all that for the day.

:* scoot over viggo, I'm coming back to bed.

In case you want to know...

About Me

Single mom, I've three children.
They're all girls ~
PMS can be VERRA bad around here.

I had three dogs,
three cats, and three horses.
and a BIG vet bill.

Now, I've two dogs, two cats
and one horse.
and a slightly smaller vet bill.

I am old enough to know better,
and young enough to do everything over that I should not do.

AND... I'm old enough that I still manage to forget what I really ought to remember...many times over.

I laugh at myself a lot.
I think that is maybe because I am the only one that thinks me funny??!

I laugh at the world around me a lot too.
Mostly because irritates the hell out of a lot of people~especially those that take life WAY to seriously.

I am fairly even tempered.
(Well, I have a temper ~ but I am fair!!)

I am afraid of the dark.

I like to write, all sorts of things.
Except Essays. I do not care to write essays.

Poems and verse have a tendency to pop into the cranial cavity without much thought.
though if I try too hard, it all kind of leaks out as nonsense.

oh shuddup. I make sense ... sometimes! (no, you don't) (yes, I DO) (no... oh shuddup!!)

I talk to myself a lot.

I collect rocks, I have rocks from everywhere I have ever been.

Moving anywheres is really hard to do because I want to take all my rocks with me.

I have never owned a house.

I own my car.

I want a truck. 1958 or older. One with no computer run gadgetry.

I can not decide what I want to be when I grow up.

Guess I will have to grow up someday so I can figure it out...

Currently, I am madly "in love" with an Viggo Mortensen ~ I do NOT know him and as he does not know that I exist, our relationship is all perfect and good. AND!! I like it this way...Why I chose him is... well... a long story. Has to do with Billy Boyd actually... Feel free to ask me about it!

Just to be fair, I'm in love with Joe Nichols too... though I do not know him either, ya know?

My girls keep me to busy, even though they do not live with me any longer.

While I miss them, terribly... I am pretty much okay with them being mostly on their own.

I am currently unemployed, and pretty much giving up trying to change that ~ it is seriously disheartening to always be turned down.

I have a tendency think to much.

I like to grow things.

I don't smoke, though I will admit that I do drink ~ occasionally.

I like to walk. I see the world more clearly when I walk in it. Walking is good for me even if I fall down a lot.

I have all my own teeth. Except the wisdom ones... they were taken out when I broke my lower jaw.

I have always wondered why whacking your elbow is considered funny...

I have learned to like cold coffee, mostly because I seldom take the time to sit down and drink the stuff while it is hot ~ though lately it is because I will carry my cup about and forget where I set it down...

This list is not all inclusive, and subject to change upon the whims of its' author....which would be ME!

For my life is ever changing, and seldom do I love the same things all the time...

that would be such a boring thing!

Until next update...

:* mwah!

werk toonite

Theater gig :)

It is clear, we got about 12 inches of snow total for the storm. I think we got more than that, but hey... I'm not "official" enough to count.

drinking my peppermint tea, and killing time until I have to run to the hall where the show is held. The driveway is mostly done, I never did fire up the snowblower, I did it all by shovel. Probably a dumb thing to do, because now I feel like I am going to croak over dead, but hey. It was beautiful today, ya know? And my troubles would all be done if I did die.

:D

Wish I knew what was/is wrong with me though. I am tired of feeling like poo all the time. Obama? Can we get some kind of decent health care for us worthless peon types that can't find work to pay the rent, let alone the medical bills??

HMMM????

**sigh** While I have hopes for this administration, I do not hold out any hope that they will benefit me. I, like so many others, am on my own, to live in total poverty until the day I do actuallay pass from this life.

Merry Christmas!! :p

BAHUMBUG.

At least I have roof, and hot tea.

right?

**shrug** whatever.

wow

snow day today for reals I think. I have to get out to feed the horses, but that it all... maybe I will make cookies today, eh?

:) bbl ~ I may have to plow to get the truck out.

snow day

well, not really. I did go outside, and I did do things, but I didn't get the drive way done, I ran out of "oomph" by the time I cleared the spot about the cars.

erk. We've actually got about 10 inches total today, I'm having my barn LL put the horses in for me tonight. They may be a bit late, but that won't hurt a thing. I will most likely have to use the 4x4 tomorrow morning... it is supposed to snow all night. As I am to tired to go out and plow, I am happy that I HAVE a four wheel drive to use.

Then, after all this snow, it is going to get cold again... whee. :p

The headache is back, nothing is cutting it. Though each time I say this, things right themselves, I may have to go in for der heavy duty shot... I can't afford it, but ... dang! This is beginning to affect my vision.

Bites big time when that happens.

It was difficult to drive back yesterday, not physically, but mentally. I do not want to be here. I surely do not. Sadly, I do not know where I WANT to go either. I do not want to live with the daughter and SIL, (no, they would never offer) I do not want to live here, I do not want to live in a city, I do not want to live where there isn't a spot for the Budman, I do not want to be so alone, I do not want...

I am full of what I don't want, aren't I??? To bad I haven't any clue what I DO want.

Well, not really anyways.

I am just waiting. I do not know for what exactly either. But... I am.

Hurry up Lord? Please?

**sigh** yeah.

Timing is everything.

Ain't it??

Come on Viggo, lets go eat dinner.

:*

my only grandchild...

This is Rascal, he is a chiweenie, and my youngest grandson...I have no human grandbabies. :) He goes everywhere t1k goes, and last night he attended the concert at the highschool. Most people did not even notice he was there. With the weather the way it is right now (-9 F) and this time of year, he can not be left at home, he is too small. If the power went out while no one was home, the other dogs would fine... Rascal would freeze to death in very short order.

What breed of horse are you? Find out!

off to the hinterlands

yes, I am off to the middle of nowhere.

Winter concert is tonight, and I need to get going before the cold REALLY sets in.


stay warm!!

Come on Viggo, we should not have slept in this morning!!

heh...

:*

**YAHHHWN**

Sorry about that! I am still having a hard time with going to bed at 11:30 or so, then getting up at 6:30 to go take care of the horses. I can not speak to anyone elses' horses, but mine expect to be fed at about the same time every day... and they are not so grumpy when I do, ya know??? That said, I managed this morning to crank myself out of the warmth of quilt cocoon by 7:15 and get on the road by 7:25.

the ten minute delay was the dogs ~ it is to cold to leave them in the yard while I feed.

**YAHWN**

Two standard cups of coffee and an hours worth of emails later, I am STILL not completely awake, and it is nearly time to go put the beasts out in the big pasture. There is not going to be much to eat/do up there today, the snow is about eight inches or so. Under the trees should be fine I think, though dry and pine needle-ee. needly? Needlely?

**snort** I just freaked the speel check out. :)

I don't think I will do much today in the way of things here at the house. We've one more show tonight, so I will need to take a nap this afternoon I imagine ~ then I've three days off. (YAY!!) Tomorrow (monday) I need to go to the city for animal stuff, then I will go on up to the hinterlands to see T3k in her Christmas concert tomorrow night ~ but I will stay up there for the night. The cold will be intense, and they are expecting wind ~ blizzard conditions are particularly nasty in the dark, and up on the Waterville Plateau there is nothing to stop the wind ~ I've seen it look like a completely flat white plain, it can fill in some of the smaller coulees, making it doubly dangerous to drive. I find it cool, (though odd) that our school up there has plans in place for the outlying students to stay in town if the drifts get to big.

Cool, but scary at the same time, ya know? One of those "it makes me nutz" things, because I live so far away.

Got to go put my pony out in his field.

:*

10:30 p.m the same day...

I am home for the evening now, it is a whopping 9 degrees outside, and I got sooo cold at work ~ I am on my third cup of cocoa, and the dogs are lying ON my feet, and the cats are trying to share my lap. the goofy things.

I hope the Budman is okay for the night ~ he has his barn and all, but still. 9 degrees!!! that is what... minus 12 or something centigrade...

erk.

so. see you in the morning, bright and early to feed the horses...

**shiver** I am going to suit up completely for that!!!

:*

Tis snowy at last ~ we've had a heat wave going ever since the middle of November, and I was wondering if it would EVER snow. I have only had Budman since May, so I was interested to see how he reacted to the white stuff...

Grumpily. Maybe he was just in a bad mood, yesterday, but he surely looked grumpy to me.

I'm tired today, to many nights up late, and still getting up to feed the horses at 6. I generally do not go back to sleep in between, which may be the reason why I am getting tired. I do nap in the afternoon, but it is not a good thing, it leaves me kind of cranky. So I have been staying awake instead, with bad results.

Only six more shows, counting tonights. Some of it might be that I have done this every night since Sunday last, which will make it seven in a row. NOT a good thing, eh?

The kid has a christmas concert on Monday night, so I needs be in the hinterlands on Monday night ~ getting home on Tuesday to put away the things I buy on Monday before I go to the hinterlands...

**sigh**

In a major bummerly, I am not getting Christmas gifts, unless you count the feed for the pigs. I am buying animal food, fodder and other sundrie things.

**shrug** at least the pigs will be happy right? And I shall get myself some bacon in the spring. :)

The wind has begun here, it is from the south, the side that my bedroom sits on. That is the side the barn door is on too, so I am going to fashion a wind break on that end for under the big door. The Weather channel is saying in the minus's over the next couple three or four days ~ especially with the wind chill factored in.

Nasty nasty. I hope that t1k has a handle on T3k ~ t3 does not like to be responsible for her things, so she does not like to wear heavy coats and things. She HAS to next week ~ if anything should happen to the bus/EK's car, she would be in serious trouble.

Freeze to death in the name of laziness and fashion. What a way to die.

:p

Called the hinterlands, everyone is in a bad mood. There is enough snow that they are stuck in the house ~ and the SIL and T1 are at odds as to how to spend the leisure time. SIL went to get fuel, and now? I think he and nephew are hunting.

O.O blowing and freezing out, and they are driving about on the plateau.

duuuuuummmmmmb!

okay, off to feed the ponies, and snug them in the barn for the night. I am going to put the long underwear on ... NOW.

:*

Friday for the rest of the world

today is the 12th, and it is Friday...or so they tell me. They as in, "they that care about such things" ~ meaning my girls, who still live from Monday to Friday in their lives.

I do not miss it to much if you want to know the truth.

It has begun snowing, it actually started right around 10 this morning, and now there is the sum total of 3 inches on the yard stick.

Oh whee. Like that is anything huge, eh? I suppose if you live where there is never any snow maybe? Last year it did this very thing... began snowing on the second weekend of December, and did not stop until about the end of January. I am just happy that it IS snowing, and that it is not an ice storm like they had over night in New York state and areas there abouts. We do not have any problems when the power goes out, we just keep the wood stove going all the time, and cook on the coleman stove out on the front porch... pretty funny to see, and we've not had to do this in a very long time.

Speaking of wood, I need to get on my sister about getting some more. She has a "guy" that does this for us ~ kind of like a gardener type person that moonlights with a chain saw.

The powers that predict our weather say that Monday night it is going to be bitterly cold... in the minus' areas of the Fahrenheit thermometer. THAT is not cool, I am considering shutting Bud and his friends in their stalls for that night. We shall see how cold it actually gets. I up the amount of hay for those hours too, and hopefully it won't last more than that night. :) It will be a true test of the watering trough heaters, too ~ I've never had to worry about it before, it is a weird thing.

So... work for the theater tonight, last night was opening night. Could have been better, but it was okay. I hope that someone irons out the glitches... :) I doubt it though, sometimes, it just is "let it go" ~ makes me uncomfortable, but hey... I haven't ANY control over it.

Gots to go feed the pony, and give him his scratches for the night. I bet they are waiting by the fence to be let in the barn when I get there.

Goofy things. :)

OOPS

Lost a day. That is the "fun" of having CFS... some days go past you in a complete and total fog, and you wake up on the other side of next week wondering what you did that could compromise your reputation...

**sigh** would that I could do something to compromise myself. At least then I would have the energy to do something (read: anything) else!

Did not go to the doctor, I can not bring myself to do it. I owe so much money now, and yes, I am going to have to bankrupt on it, but... until I can actually SEE the paperwork that says I am filing, I stress VERY badly about the money. It is not just the clinic here in town, it is the big one in the city also. It makes me NUTZ.

The ex is going to be in for a surprise when the papers finally go through. Many of the bills should have been paid by him (per divorce decree) and here in Washington State both parents are responsible ~ if I go under on them, then the ones that pertain to the girls will come back to haunt him. **shrug** it is soooo not my problem. He should have done something with them instead of putting them in the junk because they came from me.

Yesterday sucked, t2k called to inform me that she would not be over here for Christmas. While I do not mind that she will not be here, (family feud)I don't not like how she informed me... and yes, it hurt my feelings. It would have been far kinder to tell me ages ago that she was considering staying at her dads this year, and that she would let me know when she had decided. But NO. We have to drop this shit on mom at the last minute and it is up to mom to conform and accept and fuck how mom feels...

Oh whatever... welcome to motherhood of teenagers that are the typical self centered that were treated like all their friends at the expense of my health...spoiled rotten rich little shits...

Yes, it really is all my own fault, ya know?

Still, I am thinking about changing my phone number, and NOT giving it out to them, pretending to be busy when they call, and all that...

**sigh** no, I won't. But it is DAMNED tempting.

come on vig, time to go put the horses out in the field for the day.

:*

Can't make up its' mind

It is cold this morning, after raining last night ~ the road was a bit slick this when I went over to feed the horses. I was late because I did not sleep so well, I woke up in pain, and still have not had it go away. I may just have to bite the bullet and go to the doctor. I do not want to, but this is ridiculous, this constant pain, and not sleeping ~ No wonder I feel worn out, eh?

SO! maybe it is time to bite the bullet.

coffee first though...always, coffee first.

:*

Randomness while I drink my coffee...

It is an el Grosso day here in the PNW. Raining, and though not to cold, the clouds are sitting right at ground level. Fortunately, they ARE clouds, and my poor head/pysche can tell the diffrence.

I am sooo going to have to speel check this entry, Baby Kitty is climbing all over me this morning, making it hard to type.

Went to listen to my moms' group sing last night, it was nice. I always forget just how much talent there is locally ~ and I do wish that the summer months were less hectic for people ~ then they could be in the shows with "my" theater. :) It would not work out to well as the summer is high and busy season for nearly eveyone that lives here. **sigh** My older sister took us out for pie, but the restaurant was out of pie... so we had hot fudge sundaes instead.

Kitty is making this nearly impossible to do ~ Makes me understand how Old Cat must feel about this here furry dynamo. I know that O.C is not happy with me about this kitten, but O.C makes some pretty silly decisions, even when she KNOWS that what she is doing will attract unwanted attention. Like... moving the slightest bit. A hairs twitch, and Baby Kitty is ALL over her. Then "we" (in the royal sense) play chase...Old Cat is fat and more than a bit out of shape, so Chase does not last to long.

I'm feeling alright this morning, I had my coffee as usual, and while it did not bother me yesterday, today it seems to be upsetting me. Verry strange. I may just need some more sleep, though I only got up once last night? **shrug**

who knows. I'm so out of balance in all areas of my life that I would not know if I were having a good day or a bad day ~ they just all string together in one huge fog.

Dense fog.

Very dense fog.

AAAAAAAH OOOOOOOOOOOOGA!!

get it?

fog horn???

heh...

:*

:)

I'm up! I'm UP!!!!

I Love my animals, but sometimes... DANG! This morning they MADE me get up, quite literally. I wasn't even late or anything ~

**heh** can't complain about my children, so I complain about my animals instead. Sometimes, I boggle my own self, ya know?

Lets see... I've begun a story (points at link to the left of screen ... over there!) and I am the main person in it ~ I do not know of any other way to let all this crap I carry about with out. Not without this blog becoming a whining icky place to read...

SO! **cringe** In conjunction with my posts here, I am going to write a fictitious account (using real facts and feelings) of how things work in my life... and I do not know for sure where exactly it will go.

As with all things in my life, it is a work in progress, I'll try not to make it too sappy, or ... whatever other words that mean stupid.

It is a gorgeous day here today, the sun helps everything that is wrong with me. I know I am getting depressed, because it is hard to function at all sometimes. The old body is getting to the point where it just wants to sleep ~ which in itself is okay, but the bills do not get paid by my sleeping. ( you know, I DO wish that I could get paid while I sleep!) I got three turn down emails this week alone... and I am now behind in EVERYTHING I owe anything on. I need to go to a doctor, and be under SOME kind of continual care, but all I do is run up another bill I can not pay. The local clinic is so bad with that ~ now all the receptionists do is have the doctors call me...

**sigh** so... meanwhile, I get worse and worse, and no one seems to give a rats patooie.

No wonder I get depressed, eh?

I have pretty much decided that I am going to go bankrupt on it all, and let the chips fall where they may. Sadly, in Washington State, I have to go through credit counselling before I can even FILE for bankruptcy ~ so, I shall begin that process as soon as possible. Means finding/getting copies of all my outstanding medical bills, and I HATE talking to the people at the various offices. They are NOT nice about any of this, and though part of me understands, the other part can not help but think that they are being un-necessarily assholish. (is that a word?) I am NOT doing these things on purpose. Nor did I not have a plan...

Plans have a way of getting screwed up, ya know?

so...

off to write the first page of my story.

:*

Poo Hockey

One of the things I must do as the owner of a hay munching fart machine... oh wait. Kinda sounds like I am talking about a cow, doesn't it? Honestly, some days I would rather HAVE a cow, at least I could get something in return for all the hay... :)

At any rate, one of the things I must do is clean up after all the hay has been well used by Mr. Shitzalot. It is not to bad as long as I keep up on it on a daily basis ~ I only get one wheelie (wheelbarrow) full.

The days I do not get to it? It multiplies ten fold, and grows. One would think that two days would be two wheelies... but NOOOOOOOOOO. Two days of used hay is at minimum THREE wheelies.

**sigh**

Yesterday was one such day... I'd missed the clean up on the Tuesday so had more to do, and the dogs finished up with their searching the pee mails and other doggie things faster than I could scoop.

So, I'm cleaning along, but it is not to bad as we have gotten into the cold season now. everything is pretty much frozen solid, making a "thunk" noise as I toss it into the barrow.

The thunking noise brings the dogs ~

They are watching with great interest, looking in the wheelie, sniffing about it, trying to figure out the odd noises...

**scoop... THUNK(s)**

**scoop... THUNK(s)**

On the second scoop, one of the little muffins misses, and goes skittering across a frozen p ... er...puddle. (the ground is frozen solid, it sounds like a wood floor when you walk on it and any water just freezes in place.)

Dogs chase said muffin and after a bit of a game at the end of the "rink" one of them brings it back to me...

I flick it across the expanse of the frozen puddle, it skitters the length, and stops.

Dogs give chase and bring it back...

I flick it with the manure fork and it skitters away...

We continued our game of poo hockey until the puck thawed enough for someone to decide that it tasted pretty good...

(yes, BLEAH!!)

Fortunately I had the truck, THEY rode home in the BACK.

Viggo? Would you please bring home some more toothpaste tonight? I used the whole tube on the dogs...

:*

Insomnia returns...

**shrug** I haven't any idea why either, well... kinda not anyways.

Mostly it is the aches and pains of this damn disease I haul about with me. Fortunately yesterday was a sunny-ish day, so I was in a better mood than I would have been, and it carried over to this morning.(yay me!!)

Did the theater gig last night, it was rough because it was just a run through ~ but it is looking really good. I wanted to help set up the sets and things, (called load-in) but I hurt to bad to do it, and I did not want to get to tired, because then I REALLY hurt. I feel very much the loser when I can't do what I consider part of my job, but I do my best not to let it get to me. I have discovered that I have some serious limitations on what I can do ~ it is nice that I am not totally incapacitated.

My spine is clicking as I move this morning, this can not be good. Doesn't hurt really, just kind of...well... clicks. Annoying if you want the truth. Riding helps ALL the aches and pains in my person,I just have to figure out how to do it every day. I haven't been on the Bud since August, he is going to need a lot of re-respect training before I get on him again.

Much coldness outdoors this morning, and I could see stars when I put the dogs out. All signs say that it is going to be a lovely day again today. I am going to wear my thermals over to feed the Budman, the barn is not heated. Last night will have been the first test of the new tank heater ~ it will be interesting to see how it looks this morning.

Oh crap. I left my insulated gloves in the car last night. Poop and poop again. :p

Coffee tastes so lovely (**AAAAAAAHHHHHH**) for some reason. I shall soon stop drinking it ~ and yes, it IS yet again. I really need to wait until the days get longer, as there is something in my head that says that I MUST have some kind of hot beverage in the mornings in order to wake up... and I have yet to find a tea that I like as well as I like coffee. Mate is okay, but... the coffee addiction runs strong.

The news is babbling in the background, nothing has changed since the five o'clock hour last night. I suppose that is good, right?

Off to feed the horses, and maybe start my day...

Come on viggo, up & at 'em.

I ain't gonna be the onliest one to freeze this morning!

:*

Todays Tip

I have very few things I do that I would consider "tips" or "tricks" ~ I just DO things, ya know? I (quite honestly) do not pay to very much attention to how I do stuff, I only think of getting things done in the shortest amount of time possible, with the least effort on my part. I chalk this up to the facts ... Fact number one is that I tire so easily, and Fact number two is because I am inherently lazy. I just want stuff finished, and as long as it is done right, I do not really care how the process works.

There is one thing in this life that I do, that I have not seen on any tip or trick space ever. I do not flatter myself to think that I am the onliest one that has thought of this ~ I recommend this for anyone that has a washer and dryer...

You know how socks never seem to come through in pairs, seemingly to drop off the face of the earth?

Easy and quick to fix solution is to take whatever singles you have, and throw them back into the dirty laundry with the next days laundry, doing this over and over.

Eventually you will end up with a pair. Doesn't matter if one of another pair is lost, nor does it matter if the original was found. It will end up as a pair.

Saves trying to keep track of the loose clean socks, and when you, your spouse/other or your children finally clean out the respective hiding spaces (car, bedroom closets, the winter boots not worn since last winter, underneath the dog beds) there is sock mate waiting for all the lonely lost ones.

Course, it only works if your dogs don't raid the laundry for things to chew on...

:*

i don't know where this came from

I thought it pretty good ~ if anyone knows who/whom it belongs to, let me know.

Thanks whoever you are, it is wonderful fun to watch.

Sue

**YAWN**

typical title for a typical night, eh?

yeah. **shrug**

It is just wrong when a body gets up, and feels tired the whole time they are out of bed. All I wanted to do all day was go back to bed.

bleah. :p

I have decided that I dislike HD television, I will have to buy a new telly even though I have cable. Most of the picture is gone off the sides of my screen, and it makes me mad. I just BOUGHT this one.

another BLEAH.

Took today off, did not do a stinking thing. I am to tired. Ate only bland things... cream of rice cereal, applesauce, and plain white toast with only butter. B.O.R.I.N.G.
But! I don't feel half bad... only three quarters bad. I was going to go help with the load in for tonight, but... **sigh** yeah.

whine whine, moan moan.

stick a fork in me viggo, I'm done...

:*

Day light is here, but you'd never know it. This gray schtuff that is hanging over the house is like ... making me insanely tired. I am worn out from it actually, makes it hard to get my rear end in gear. It is hard when one begins the day with mostly yawns.

Baby kitty has taken up the really bad habit of biting my hands when she is on my lap ~ (or any OTHER part of my anatomy for that matter) She won't jump up either, she feels she has to climb my legs... I have to make a point of wearing long pants ALL the time now. SHEES! no amount of flicking her nose is helping either. I have actually resorted to putting her in the sleeping kennel so I can do things... NOT good, but I have no other solutions at this point.

I need a spray bottle too. It works with our other cats, so hopefully it will work with her. She isn't used to baths yet, I've only given her one ~ the vet was unhappy about that because the kitten wasn't the strongest when I found her. SO... this will change as soon as POSSIBLE. She smells pretty bad to me.

Everyone is asleep but me, and I just now realized that it is nearly noon. Wow. I wonder where the morning went? I know I spent a good hour or so with the horse this morning, so that would be some of it, and I was on the phone with t1k for a goodly portion, so that would be another hour...

okay, don't feel so badly about the time, I was doing things besides sitting on my butt.

Had a good Turkey Day, an okay weekend, and now... I must be on the ball for the maids job. Wells Fargo is hiring again too, maybe a resume for this one would help? **shrug** I have done a LOT in my years, it is hard to put it all on a resume, and keep the resume short and sweet.

yes, I am old gonedaft.

Into the day, even though I am late.

:* mwah!!!

mogsies

nearly December??!!

Sometimes, the days catch me unawares ~ like this morning, it dawned on me that the Christmas season truly is upon us now.

**sigh** and it is going to be a slim one for us. I am desperate for a job, so now? I shall become a housekeepers assistant...

yes, I shall be a maid at one of the motels. Viggo ain't coming through with his marriage proposal, so... **sigh** eyp. I HAVE to work. ;)

Honestly, I'd work anyways, but I am not looking forward to chemicals and all that. I am SO allergic to them, I can look forward to being sick most of the winter.

:p

other than that? I am still full from Thursday.

:)

off to put up the Christmas tree. My mom uses a fake one, which is JUST fine, as she is prone to fire type accidents with a real tree.

one year, I put it together upside down...

From the north

I am at t1k's house... YAY!

so far, I've eaten to much, and currently the family is trying to pull quills out of the most timid dog they own...

the poor girl. She won't mess with a porcupine again.

:) Hope your turkey day was a good and fat one.

:* mwah!

I keep animals because...???

It is cold, but absolutely gorgeous out this morning. Good thing, or I might be in a grumpy mood.

For some odd reason, I have been getting waking up at six every morning for the past two weeks or so. Like, just spontaneously going **POOF** and there I am. Ponit of fact, I'm so awake, that most mornings I have crawled out of bed before the animals are up.

Not so this morning. I took something last night to "help" me sleep (I did sleep, but had nightmares... yuk) and so this morning, my body missed the six a.m wake up.

The dog and cats? They do not have such problems. But I lay there, in a half awake state, dreaming...

I'm laying in my nice cozy bed, and the world is all about me, a fuzzy, though indistinct loveliness. I've a servant to bring the java, hot and tasty, along with my toast and fruit...

The servant, with his (yes, his) gentle servant attitude, taps me gently on the shoulder, saying,

"Mums, it is time to get up" (wait, MUMS??)

I snooze on...brain fog still intact.

Another tap.

"Mums?" (what is WITH this MUMS thing??)

Apparently out of patience, my lovely servant goes;

**BAM!** and delivers full slap, right across my nose.

I open my eyes, brain fog totally gone, to find that on one side, Baby Cat is sitting on my pillow ~ her paw in the air, as though preparing another swing at my nose. On the other side is Old Cat, her paws tucked neatly under her bosoms ~ only to keep her innocence in this whole thing intact.

They look at one another, and satisfied that I am awake, stick their tails in the air and walk over to sit patiently by their food dishes.

Old Dog, taking the cue from the cats, (my bed is on the floor) comes over and wags her body, breathing in my face and farting the whole time...

eesh.

I have animals because... ????

**YAWN**

I wish that I could say everyone is fed, but I still have to drive across and feed Bud.

**yawn**

I don't think I slept to well last night ~ kinda like every other night I suppose.

:p I have the stupid rash thing on my face (the one that says "LUPUS") today ~ I am U.G.L.Y.

I tell you ~ being ill and not having any kind of health care does not make ones self esteem any easier to recover.

So... even while I am trolling about for my lost esteem, occasionally good things do happen.

Yesterday, it being Monday, was not expected to be of any good consequence. BUT!!!

After t1k called and said she was on her way to the city with a new tire for the SIL's truck, I figured... why not go meet her? I could see the house that SIL is building, and maye t1k and I could go out to lunch...

We had fun. We wandered around Wal Mart, and after an hour of just looking at things, I was running out of gas, so we went to Arbys for food ~ then I took her back to her truck (parked at the job site) to head home.

I got to look at the house, SIL really is gifted at building. I was TOTALLY amazed at the quality of what he has done! The roof shingles arrived while I was touring the frame, I got to see how they put them up on the roof ~ (has a little conveyor type belt thing on an extend able boom)

The house owner was there ~ and he, while being a bit nosy about my religious beliefs, seemed really nice.

AND!

He gave each one of the guys on the crew an entire Thanksgiving dinner.

O.O

Made me cry all the way home, cuz I barely make the payments on the horse and his accrutrements, let along having any way to buy a Turkey Day feast for 6 people.

Guess God really does care sometimes, ya know?

So... thanks to all that share over the holidays ~ and any other time of year for that matter. Does not count how big or small the gift, it all makes a difference.

:* MWAH!!!

later this morning, and I am back...

well, the self esteem thing did not work out to well. Bud is pushing through the fence again, and now, I feel that if I am going to keep him at this place, I am going to have to hot wire the fence.

Granted, the fence is old, and the whole place has been neglected, but DAMN it MAN! WHY does he have to do this?

It is because people fed him over the fence last summer, and now? Things are always better on the other side. **sigh** STOOPUD PEOPLE!!!!

So... SWEAR WORDS!!!! **sigh**

Enough of that, on to better things!

Baby Cat has discovered a new game. Inadvertently, but now it has become regular thing.

I have a chair in the front window, it is one of those that spins about on its feet. (annoyance, but the chair was free) One day, Old Cat was sitting in the chair, snoozing in the sun ~ her tail flipping a bit.

Baby Cat, fascinated with the tail movement, stalked the chair and for some odd reason, thought seriously that she could make it from the bed to the chair. With a mighty LEAP through the air...

She missed, but landed on the side of the chair ~ and even with her slight weight, the chair made a slow turn around its' axis.

Her baby eyes got wide, and she looooked at me... Of course, I thought it funny, and said "good kitty! you made the chair move!"

(Old Cat looks over at me, it is apparent that she can NOT believe that I would say such a thing. She glares at me, I can see my impending doom written on her face...)

About half an hour later, bored with all her toys, Baby Kitty is on the end of the bed again.

Same spot as before, looking at the chair.

(Old Cat is still in repose within the depths of said chair. With the strange abilities that all cats have, she watches Baby Cat closely, without seeming too...)

Baby Cat, concentrating very hard from the end of the bed, goes;

**LEAP**

**CATCH**

The landing is to high on the side of the chair, it turns, but not as well.

So! Back to the end of the bed...

**LEAP**

**CATCH**

Landing is to low, the chair did not spin at all.

Back to the end of the bed...

**BUTT WIGGLE**

**pause**

**BUTT WIGGLE**

**pause**

**BUTT WIGGLE, LLLLLEEEEEEAP!!!!**

**SUSPENDED, SUSPENSEFUL MOMENT**

**CATCH**

and the chair does a perfect pirouette, a full 360 degrees.

Was it a fluke? Was it a plan?

Back to the bed to find out!

**BUTT WIGGLE**

**pause**

**BUTT WIGGLE**

**pause**

**BUTT WIGGLE, LLLLLLEEEEEEAP!!**

**CATCH**

Perfect again, the chair slowly turns all the way around.

After two more perfect leaps and catches by her new nemesis, proof that indeed it is not a fluke, Old Cat no longer seems to like the chair.

Maybe I will have pity upon her and move the chair somewhere else...

Nah... I'll wait until I meet my doom.

:D

to damn early

dunno what the heck is up, but I woke up at five on the nose this morning ~ after dreaming for a bit about Viggo.

**sigh** no, did not want to get up after that!!

Nearly time to run across to feed the horses, I am trying to get myself to the point where I do that early, and then feed them later in the day. I am hoping that a job will present itself (all the applications, no bites yet!! DAMMIT) one day this week. I want to begin working ON December first if at all possible.

I am going to try to afford the gas to get to t1k's house for the Holiday. None of us have any money, so there isn't going to be much of a "dinner" ~ which is okay I suppose, it is more a day to spend together than anything, ya know? t3k is coming back down with me on Friday, and I may have to drive her back up on Sunday ~

**shrug**

help me viggo! **sigh**

It is hard to keep the chin up sometimes ~ I have been looking for work for three months, and nothing is to be had. I'm down to doing maid housekeeping, which in itself is not a bad job... I am just allergic to all the chemicals used to kill things in the rooms. Add a horrific dustmite allergy, and it is a pretty safe bet that I am going to be sicker than I am now.

**shrug**

ya gotta do what ya gotta do, ya know?

:p

Running low on the self worth this morning, so I am going to go see my horse, and hope that cheers me up.

Racks

I've a smallish kitty, she was a rescue (another one... **sigh**) and she is older than her size says. That being said, she is more agile than a kitten her size would be, right?

yes, it makes sense.

Now. In no particular order, here is a list of things that run/ruin her life...

1)Mamma is the human lady.
2)Big Cat is NOT The mamma.
2.5) Big Cat exsists to be a thorn in my side.
3)The dogs are things that smell bad, make me sneeze and get in the way of running madly about when ever the mood strikes. More commonly known as the "rips"
4)If it will support a slight weight, I can will climb it.
5) If it moves, I shall do my best to stop it from moving ~ even if it might cost me my life...
5.5) well, not really, but you know what I mean...
6) learn the word NO.
6.5) If only so you know when to look at your human with blatant disregard and do whatever it was you were not supposed to do.
7) purr loudly at all times, the human mamma thinks it is endearing.
8) chase your own tail when you are bored...it is a great way to guilt the human in to making the **flippy toy move.
9) make rules up all the time, adding them to the lists and things as you go.
10) if as a small animal, (or a large one for that matter) you must get lost, make sure you do it close to my moms' house, you will have a good life from then on in.

eyp. **sigh**

All of our cats are taught to balance on shoulders ~ she has learnt quicker than most.

Only thing is... she has also learnt to walk across the FRONT of me ~ the rack is plenty big, so she takes advantage of it.

See viggo? You don't know what you are missing...

:*




**flippy toy ~ plastic flexible rod with a fleece strip attached to the end.

to much time on my hands

WAY to much. I am waiting the two hours I normally wait for the Budman to finish up his breakfast so I can run back across to put him out in the big field.

I am tiring of this trip, it is harder and harder to do. I've not a choice, as the LL isn't to good at consistency. Her hubby is here, and she does not trust him, which translates to me not being there as much, and her keeping an eye on him all the time.

SO!

Things go apace. I will spend today taking things to the storage, and getting more/most of the stuff out that I do not absolutely need here. If I am not using it, it goes buh-bye to the place of lost things. :)

I'm in no hurry to do this though, I know that I must make room as I go, or it will come back to haunt me sooner than later, as in: frustration and stupid decisions.

The saddles, the blankets, the coats that I can not get rid of, and ... maybe the things from the top of the refrigerator. Then, the gardening things, and pots, and then... ME!

**sigh** don't I wish. the big things are the saddles and the like, they are truly in the way out in the garage. My mom was MORE than pleased about the thought that I was moving MY things out of HER way.

She is like that. Says "oh, you can keep it in the garage" and then "OH I am SO glad you are getting that out of my way..."

My mother is not a very nice woman. Selfish and self centered, everything is about her...

**sigh**

yeah yeah I know. Git mah azz in gear and move away.

I'm WORKIN' on it!!!

m'kay, loser girl has to go put her horse to field, then run her self to death getting things out of here.

:*

later dudes

Friday

Spent the morning on the phone with tk1, she needed to vent about the girl that lives with them. It has become a problem ~ she wants to be treated like an adult, but does not want to make adult decisions...be responsible for them type thing. T1k and her hubby do not charge her any rent, pay all the gas and food, and while I think the young lady in question is grateful, when it comes to following the rules, it is hard for her ~ because the rule of the day might not be convenient for her.

**sigh** welcome to motherhood, eh??

It was gray and nasty out, the fog was at ground level. Made me want to cry the whole morning away actually. A HUGE part of that is living here ~ it frustrates and makes me angry most of the time ~ my mother is very blatant about things. I mean ~ to have everything I do either REdone, or put down when mom does not acknowledge that I did something, or that I know something...(long story, has to do with the windows)

I want to move away from here so badly, I can't even express it in words. I know that I can not afford to, and that makes it even worse.

So how do I work around the fact that everything I do is worthless (read: I am worthless) and try to get some semblence of life, to get to the point where I CAN move out, and feel as though anything I do has merit? How do I blow off my mother, still being nice to her, and get past all this shit? I don't even want to have anything to do with her any longer ~ understandable, eh? **sigh**

Not being able to find work doesn't help at all, and only increases my sense of hopelessness...something I know I have carried for the past many many years, and will get better with time, IF I can find a way to give myself the time I need.

All I need is a place to live with my dogs and kitties, and I would be okay.

Finding that? Impossible. So...

what do I do?

**sigh**

Icky

it is cold out this morning, my new long undies are not here yet. Got the rain gear, have yet to try it on ~ Probably won't need it now though, just because I went to the expense to buy it... Fortunately, rain gear never goes out of "style".

Been to feed the horses, Bud is cribbing now. He makes me nutz sometimes, I can not keep up with his boredom. I can not find the time to ride him, and to be honest, I have not the confidence to ride anyways, so... **shrug** I dunno. Maybe it is time to sell him back to the lady I bought him from? She is terrified of the dude, so... yeah.

He will need a lot of round pen work before I put my butt back on him ~

I need some kind of break here Lord, Or I am going to just give up!

**sigh**

No word from anyone, nothing to do today that is important. I will sort, and bring home my work table to begin to make things whilst I am sitting on my ass waiting for SOMETHING to happen.

Stupid president. I wonder how it feels to be the worst man in the history of the united states?

:p

yeah, treason. but hey. It is true. His decisions have sucked bollocks from day one...

off to the day.

whee.

transitioning

I amaze myself some days, with the crazy swings of feelings that I go through. Mostly they are innocuous, but some days, I (quite literally) hate myself.

**shrug** no, I do not know why, nor can I afford someone who can "help" me figure out why...so shut up and do not even go there. Sadly, there are many like me in this world, so ... :P

I hate myself for being stupid most of my life. I hate myself for thinking of other people first, I hate myself for not being somewhere in my life at the age I am now and liking it. I hate myself for hating myself. I hate myself for hurting because my children are all assholes. I hate myself for obviously fucking up and not raising them right. I hate myself for loving my ex when he was clearly an asshole. I hate myself for living with my mom.

Mostly, I just hate everything that I am now...and ever have been. I kind of feel as though I've never ever had anything worthwhile in my life, and that everything I did love is now nothing but gone, and I hate it...

**sigh**

obviously I do not take transitions well, eh?

:p

nothing

yet.

**sigh** somehow, I have to remain positive, and have faith that SOMETHING will come through before to long...

spent the day just "doing" so far. I went down and rearranged things in the storage, it is now ready for me to begin repacking the things I would like to keep, and sorting through the things I do not remember I have...

I am lonely today, I miss my girls. I had hoped that I could adjust, and have something to do before now, but no such luck.

:p

Life bites sometimes, dudnt'it??

moving on...

I must needs be off to finish with the things I brought home, I think I am going to set up my paint table ~ don't know that I can keep the cat off of it, but hey... footie prints on the project might not be to bad, might just make the whole thing better.

:)

But then, maybe I'll just take a nap...

damn

it is 7 p.m. and all I want to do is go to bed. I am (sorta kinda) watching RFDTv ~ it is about horses...

But I do not really want to watch. It makes me mad, sick, sad, and over all angry.

No, I do not know why?!

**sigh**

I'm tired, guess I really should go to bed.

mini rant

M'kay... I live with my mom, out of choice currently... I want to pay up on the bills that I have not been able to do, and the only way I can do this is to stay here.

While I doubt my sanity will stay intact (yeah, I know, WHAT sanity) there are days where I just can not BELIEVE the things that come out of my mothers mouth.

She had the BALLS to say (within my hearing) that her skylights were not leaking... oh wait. She actually said "To MY knowledge, they are not leaking"

Now, I TOLD her that the big one here in the room was leaking a bit. She did not "have" the time to come in and look... I know why now.

She is in denial as usual.

**shrug** makes me feel pretty lousy that NOTHING I say is taken with any kind of credit.

So? I feel no remorse about not telling her what the problems are that I find with the place, and I feel nothing about the fact that when asked, I will say "do not ask me, go figure it out for yourself."

I'm done, ya know? I can not help her any more, not at the cost of my own worth.

My mom is really actually a nice person.

Except to me.

so... **shrug** she is so on her own now.

end of rant... continue on with your regular day...

:*

and the week begins...

**yawn**

Slept in my own bed last night ~ actually went to bed around 8, though I did read for about an hour. I was a bit put off to find out that I'd screwed up and the book I chose last week from the library was one I'd already read.

Light From Heaven by Jan Karon ~ but that is okay, really. I like the Mitford books, and it wasn't anything I had to actually THINK about while I read ~ relaxed me enough to fall asleep.

I love the mail order library. :) This week I (re)read the above book, and then read Rakkety Tam by Brian Jacques. It was good, though I did skip parts... Mr. Jacques books all read the same, which is fine, but I can only read them occasionally now because of it.

Now? I'm reading a book loaned by my other mother, by Jasper Fford callled the Eyre Affair. Hard to begin ~ but I shall see. Most of the time M.O.M knows what she is talking about with books, I just take a bit of get into them, then they are pretty good. My O.M is a former librarian... :)

My O.M is at the Ex spouses' this week ~ so I am not having to worry about her at all until next week. We finally talked her into a second opinion on her medical stuff ~ thank the powers that be! She can be the most ornery of people, but even she knows now that the stuff she is going through can NOT be "normal".

Go My O.M!! heh... 84 years old.

So, with third back to her abode in the North, my day/week returns to the mundane and normal. I get up, feed my pony, feed his buddies, come home, eat breakfast, type on here for a bit, read email, send email, think about giving Harley a bath, watch the Baby kitty go berserker for a bit, look about for work, fill out applications, turn in applications, and then go let Budman back out into the big pasture for the day.

Lather, rinse, repeat...

**sigh**

I lead a boring life. Today though, I've some excitement... Bud gets his hoof trim ~ all four! ... WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

**sigh**

I need a place for me to ride Bud ~ I need a house of my own, with a bit of a barn for Bud and a friend... I really really want to ... what?

**sigh**

viggo? help? You love me right? At least enough to buy me a bit of a place?

**sigh**

Honestly, I do not think that I am going to make much progress on me until I can get away from my mom, and all the shit that goes with her. God knows SHE isn't going to change, and I am finding that she does all in her power to keep me from changing.

So!

yeah.

off to fill out applications, and maybe use my resume software...

:*

asdf jkl;

dude, like... I can't believe that I have survived a weekend with Third. **sigh**

Not done yet. She is currently getting dressed, and then we will go downtown so she can see one of her friends from this school district.

so. off to be B.O.R.E.D

:*

half done

Just getting my butt in gear, and the horses are paying the price. I hope the LL gets out to put them out in the big pasture ~ though I AM going over as soon as I finish my coffee.

The youngest of my three is here this weekend, and it is interesting. She has not changed one iota in the months she has been living in the north. Makes me glad, but it is kind of weird at the same time?! I don't know exactly what I expected, but it was not this. Her dog is here too, she is a crumbling mess of nerves that gets on my nerves easily. She is just a naturally hyper mutt, (border collie... ERK!) and ... yeah. :p

The Dogs are are adjusting to the hyper one okay. Old Dog does it with the "I'll ignore it and pretend she doesn't exist" attitude that only flies just a little bit with Hyper Dog (YngDg) ~ Hyper one will see that Old one is walking away, and then... BOOM! will hit Old Dog broadside with her body ~ though it is a gentler hit than Hyper one uses on Harley Dog.

As the youngest, (and dumbest) dog in the lot, Harley gets pretty bashed up. He does not listen to any of the known species on the planet, including his peers... and so they have a tendency to pick on him a bit. I mean seriously. How many times can you ask nicely for someone to leave you alone before you have to hit them over the head with a BRICK???

With Harley? Even the bricks do not work.

**sigh**

Time to go shovel manure.

oh the joy of having horses.

WHEE!!!!

:*

back on track

got up at 6, made the coffee, put the dogs out for their morning yard check, fed the kitties (Old Cat doesn't like her own food) and am watching Baby Cat chase the cursor across the screen here.

Good thing that blogger has speel chek...

Cold this morning, and will be nice today for weather I think. I've about an hour to wait until I go feed the ponies ~ I will know then.

I left Budman in the main pen with Angel and Ruby ~ hope that was okay. I'm going to feed him this morning in his own stall, I am not sure that he is allowing the other two to eat enough.

It was LLadys' choice to do it that way, though when she figures it out, she will be mad at the horse, so... **shrug**

Today, I shall go apply at places like... McDonalds. If I were to be hired, I would be the only white person, and as I only understand a bit of Spanish, it would be... interesting.

Took the time yesterday to search about online to find a resume program ~ it was free, so I am quite sure that I am going to get what I paid for. That sucks but I kind of figured I needed new rain gear worse than I needed a resume program. I have NO idea how to build said resume, I am not very good at selling myself ~ I'd be a lot better off if I could, ya know? (bad joke, yes)I've applied for a lot of jobs on line now, and each of them wants a resume ~ no face to face meetings to turn in applications, no first impressions in person, no chance to have a chance because someone likes how you look. That is so... cold, and digitized. Like some kind of horror movie in the works. Soon I shall be nothing but a sign in number from a home that monitors everything I do so the government can send my monthly check to watch where it goes too.

icky thoughts.


The news says that Monitceto ~ Santa Barbara area is going up in flame and smoke. The estimate is that at least 100 homes are gone. I can't imagine having a house of my own to live in, let alone having one that costs a million or more, and has enough room to put six or seven families in. O.O

off to feed myself, finish the coffee and wake up completely.

**yawn** I'd rather just go back to bed.

EDIT

Bud cut his leg, I freaked out... so now, I'm all "GAAAAAAH" ...

**sigh**

noon thirty. off to eat lunch

heavy rain, and working out in it...

To anyone that has been watching the news, this is no news. The PNW was hit very hard in the past 24 hours with the pineapple express out of the sea of japan ~ Means that moisture from an old typhoon rode in on the jet stream, directly over the top of the Cascade Mountains.

It was UGLY. We got 4+ inches of water in 24 hours, something we usually do in January every year, not November. Fortunately, it is warm outside so the ground is soaking up what landed on it, and the rivers have already crested ~ neither of the local ones at or above flood stage. Working out in the downpour to make sure everything was winter ready soaked through every coat I own ~ my rain gear has finally given up the ghost, (note to self... order new) and I got wet through the seams on my shoulders. I've only had that particular set since 1977, so I can not figure out why it would be worn out??

O.o **shrug**

heh... :p

It is still kind of ugly, everything dripping wet, water standing in the low spots still. The horses had to spend the night in the big field with just the lean to ~ the barn (75 years or so old) sits in a low spot, and there is always a chance that the river will go through ~ so, we transfered the beasts, filled the spare feed trough in the lean to with enough hay to feed twice the amount of horses that were there, and then opened up the barn ~ picking up everything on the lower floor, leaving the stall gates open for any debris to flow right through.

The barn didn't flood, so this morning I let everyone back in the main field, and now they are eating in the regular manager, on the side of the barn away from the wind. I didn't have any carrots this morning, so I was a bit snubbed... brats. ;)

Took landladys' mother to the airport in the city last night, it was a tiring and a SHIT drive. Glad to do it though, it left my landlady free to wait the arrival of her spouse... they've not seen one another in about a month, he drove in from AK arriving last night while I was taking the mom unit to fly home to AK. :)

They were not even out of bed this morning when I called to let LL know that I'd put everyone back where they belong.

heh... I can't blame them, a month is a very long time!!!

So, the mini crisis has passed, and I must get on with the work situation. It is more for my own sanity than anything, my mother ticked me off for the very last time. She can now stew in her own soup, ya know?

I'm tired, maybe me and the dogs will go for a walk, then a nap.

Wish I knew what was wrong with me, this constant tiredness can not be right.

But then, it has been like this for a LONG time... just is bothering me today, ya know?

off to the races.

:*

veterans day

I wish that I could say in mere words, how much Veterans Day means to me. It saddens me that through out the years the emphasis has fallen off, which is just like normal for humans... take for granted what one has, eh?

I hope that no one will ever forget completely, and that when I am gone, my own children will remember, even if no one else does.

So I want to say thanks to every single one of the men and women that have served in the past years, and to everyone else that is out there now...

Even though we will never meet, I send my love and eternal gratitude to you all, and I appreciate you more than you will ever know.

(hugs) and loves

sue

cranky

I must be extra tired or something, cuz I feel very cranky. After I feed the horses this morning I am going to go back to bed!

would that I could...

I didn't do much yesterday, just helped my sister finish the fence here at my moms house, then I shoveled poo for Mr Shitzalot, and spread some straw on the worst of the wet spots. I was going to spread some in the stall itself, but I am going to wait and see what he does with the straw that is out in the yard. I THINK he has it figured to poop in the straw... If my theory proves out, I will have to find something else for "bedding" in the stall area. Currently it is just dry dusty earth ~ but it sucks the extra moisture out of his hoof and frog, so... it is okay for now.

It is odd that I do not mind doing things for my critters, but I hate doing things for people. I kinda figure that this is because critters don't hurt my feelings, nor my psyche intentionally ~ like people do. I find myself drawing inside me, and not wanting to come out. Of the jobs that I can do, most of them involve customer service of some kind, meaning people contact, and the stupidity that comes with that...

Humans are (by and large) self centered, and I find that pretty much all I come across think that they deserve my best efforts without ever saying thank you, or screw you for that matter... to most, I am a non entity... there for decoration and to whine at about how bad their husband treats them.

**sigh**

I do NOT want to work in anything that has to do with the public right now ~ I want to work behind the scenes, in a cubical somewhere, where I can get paid, and be under appreciated by the company without having to be noticeably treated like crap all the time.

**sigh**

I find myself wanting to hide from the world, and everyone in it.

**shrug**

went out with a gentleman I have known since we were kids together in the first grade... I was hugely disappointed when at the end of the night, he wanted to come in... for the night!

Safe to say I will not go out on date anyone from here anymore! Only once did I have fun with anyone on a date ~ that person didn't want to come in, didn't want a kiss on the first date ~ I didn't kiss him for an entire month of dates, and when we did, it was on a rock in the middle of noplace, with just the horses lookin' on ~ actually, the horses didn't give a crap, they were eating new grass...

Sadly, he lives in Maine now. (i.e. he isn't from here...)

so...yeah.

It is about time to go feed the ponies ~ they do not get to get out until this afternoon today, the vet is coming at noon ~ or one thirty, I don't know which.

As I read back through this for mistakes, all I see is the cynicism that is taking over my life...

bad news.

**sigh**

I think I need more coffee...

day is done

thank the powers that be. I am sooo tired from yesterday still! I didn't do much, just ran errands the hadn't been done, did laundry, waited for a doc appt. did the dishes....wait. Guess I DID do something after all.

Today, I got up, fed my horse, fed my kitties, put my horse out to pasture, tried to nap, went to the city with my mom to get bedding straw, we fought our way through walmart, and then? I got home.

and then?

Fed my horse, put him to bed, then came back here to the house, fed the Baby Kitty, fed Old Cat, started my laundry, and as soon as I am done here on the computer, I am going to feed my dogs.

Then?

I am DONE.

Done done done done done.

Seems awfully early to be done, but hey, it isn't MY fault that standard time is soooo weird that it is nearly dark by 4:30 in the afternoon! I blame Benjamin Franklin!!!

heh...the man was a genius! We all know why he'd want darkness earlier...

oh come on, I'm talking about the PUBS! He wanted to hit the PUBS early!!

Some people...shees!

;)

Holy moly batman...!

wow. It is 8 of the evening, and I am MORE than ready for bed tonight! On a whim, I went by my other mothers ~ turns out it was more than fortuitous.

She has been having dizzy/lightheaded problems yet again, (long story) and I MADE her go to the doctor ~ so we spent the after noon visiting the doctor, eating lunch, and doing her errands.

I think that we have it down that she is not eating correctly again ~ and the food she has is not a complete meal, she has to heat/microwave/back/scorch more than one time, which she is generally to tired to do ~ so she just eats a bowl of soup (mostly broth) or a roll of biscuits, or some other stupid thing. Makes for a bad thing for her ~

Now, she has some telly type dinners, and they aren't to high in sodium, and complete meals ~ one serving of at least a vegetable, and protein on the thing. I've got her some of the microwaveable veggies from Birdseye, and so she can add those for variety ~

I do not know that I care for her physician ~ but at least she had some blood drawn to be sure her potassium isn't all messed up again.

I have no thoughts to add for myself tonight, the day wore me out.

:)

icky snowy rainy gray dull drippy morning...

Budmans new digs :)


the dark days make me grumpy ~ I have those fancy schmancy light bulbs that are supposed to simulate the sun, but I think that someone sold me a bunch of hooey. They are all on at any rate, so... yeah. Maybe it will help.

I have a few things to do outdoors, today, as yesterday I went with my mom and we did her shopping and chores in the city ~ The main thing was to get the snow tires on the big truck ~ that included sitting and having breakfast (oh bummer) and then finishing the wait quite pleasantly visiting with a wonderful woman I used to work with (another long story)so today, I will get the tires into the shed, fill the shed the rest of the way with the rest of the yard stuff that has been waiting for the tires to be done so they could be put away for the winter...

and then??

I will be stone cold and have to spend the rest of the day indoors.

Oh wait, I have to take the rest of my "horse" accoutrement's to the barn where Bud is now living. :) Should not be TO hard, but I never know how much work something is until I get on it. I feel a bit achy this morning, but not like "normal" ~

I am seriously grumpy though, so that is not good.

Starting to snow now. Time to get my butt moving.

:)

now what

???

End of the day, I was with my mother all day... I am happy that I only do this once every TWO weeks with my mom ~ My other mother (my ex's mom) I do it every week.

**sigh**

I happy that the election is over, it is hard not to catch "obama" fever, ya know? Whilst I have my reservations about how good of job he is going to do, I have my hopes now too.

I was so tired of the whole thing that I shut my telly off, and I didn't know who one until my mom went to bed at 10 o'clock ~ so.. Yay! we start a new era now.

I'm feeling lousy, so I am off to bed.

:*

wisdom

"Don't part with your illusions. When they are gone you may still exist, but you have ceased to live."

Mark Twain 1835-1910

morning is half gone...

or do I have the two-thirds of the day left?

**shrug** I do not know the answer to that. I am worried, worn out and edging toward angry.

Some of my anger has to do with the weather, I was an idiot and got myself thoroughly chilled this morning while feeding the horses. Some of it has to do with the worry that I will not get a job in time to continue paying my mom for that stupid stupid stupid purchase I made in May... Part of it is being so worn out and tired and not understanding WHY I am this way ~ though I am fairly certain that it has to do with my physical self not having any reserves, and I can not bring myself to run up more in the way of medical bills at places I already owe thousands of dollars.

**sigh** yeah, I get the "whatever" thing going, and while I do know that someone out there cares ~ not in my immediate realm mind you ~ I can't care. I can't care that I do not have medical help. I can not care that I do not have a job.

If I did, I'd worry myself to death over it all.

yes, I know I am weird. I don't care.

Time to ignore the pain, the tiredness, and keep going. I resent that in a way, but if I drop dead, who cares?

I can't.

I mean... I don't, not really. Because all the pain would be gone, all the hurt would be gone, all the loneliness would be gone...

**sigh**

Do not judge, lest ye be judged by the same ruler.

WHAT is the matter with me? Why this funk? when will I get out? HOW will I get out?

there is no who. I haven't a who. I could use a who. *sigh*

Guess I had better figure things out. :p

First Sunday

Here it is, only 7:15 in the morning and I've already been up for an hour. Do not know why, but I am always surprised at how easy it is to sleep the "extra" hour. I got up at 6:30 still, but with the switch, it was MUCH easier. :) Of course, I went to be an hour earlier too, without meaning to, so ... yeah. The easy won't last.

I can take THAT to the bank.

Gray and ugly outside, it rained off and on all night. The Weather Channel says that it is going to be okay this week, local forecasters say that it is going to get ugly on this side of the cascades. As nearly all things are finished here at the house, that is fine with me. Since we will finish the fence today, whats' left would be to tarp up the camper and the spare truck, and a new cover on the old boat. I suppose we could rake the leaves, but... if it snows first, that it a moot point. (**thinks snow, thinks snow**)

Off to feed the pony.

:*

and today...

We got most of the holes dug for the fence, put the poles in and back filled them with cement, and moved the camper so that the tongue is facing the wrong way so that people can't just pull in and drive away from the house with the camper...

of course, I was the muscle to pick it up, and my sister was the power. Sister was hilarious, she says "who needs men?" when we were done. :) She, just so you know, is happily married...

man, I am so tired. I am going to take a LOT of ibuprofen this evening, and I am going to sleep well. My barn landlord put my critters in for me, so I am home for the night.

**does a happy dance**

I love my barn landlord...

Speaking of barns, t2k's horse is now residing in a barn close to the ex spousal units. Actually, the barn is the rental for his ex girlfriend ~ I hope that goes okay for everyone. T2k horse is a crippled up old man, and we are hoping that some good care, good food, and proper exercise will help him out. Joint supplements are in order I think, and if they help? great. If not? he isn't any worse than he was this time last week/month/year.

I feel ... lost still today, though it was a full and busy day. I'm cold, and that is not a good thing, but my tea is helping. I don't like to think that I am getting old, but I AM... **sigh**

Now that Halloween is over, the Christmas shift begins. I like Christmas, but I would like to see that Thanksgiving got more attention ~

I have some harvest things up, and will enjoy them whilst it is the Turkey season.

**yawn** I'm tired, I want to go to bed.

Happy Halloween!!

so, what exactly is my problem?

I am quite sure that I have no clear idea.

my back hurts, my head hurts, all my joints hurt, it hurts to touch my skin to ANYTHING... and this all because I was stupid and went to see t3ks' volleyball game.

**sigh**

ah well, so it goes, eh?

other than that, my psyche takes a beating nearly every day when I get "turned down" yet again for a job...I am just not what people want.

one, I am to old.
two, I don't have enough work experience in the job applied for.
three, I do not have any steady work experience, as my daughters always came first... (I am sad that no one seems to give a shit about that part, all they see are the "gaps")

four?

I don't think I made a four today, I'm to tired. With the weather change, my headache won't subside, so I take more ibuprofen, which makes my stomach worse, which makes me sicker and makes...

OH WHATEVER.

I am SOOOO TIRED OF ALL OF THIS SICKNESS CRAP.

**sigh**

yeah.

:P

waiting...

for what, I do not know.

I'm tired, and need some sleep, but responsibility kicks in with a pretty good punch every time I try to rest.

**sigh**

how am I going to work feeling like this? All it took was driving to a volleyball game, and I am sick, and it will take WEEKS for me to get over it.

Fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue stinks so bad...

**sigh**

another blessing of being an only parent for 16 years ~ he gets the girls when they are interesting, I get to be sick.

ah well.

to damn early to be awake

up with the cows this morning, and I do not even HAVE cows...

woke up at 3, I seem to be doing that a lot lately. Sometimes, I just get to thinking, and then that is it for sleep ~ Couldn't turn the mind off this morning, so here I am.

**sigh**

the main thing going on in my head is self doubt. Nothing like having your whole world change suddenly to trigger such a thing. The abrupt change from having all the responsiblity to being totally alone and being told I am stupid, seeing others having the happiness that I had, the joy I felt at doing and going and being with my girls... it is all just GONE...and I feel... like shit. I feel used, I feel like no one cares, I feel like the world just shit a big load on me, and I have no way out from under it. It is like no one cares either ~

Guess that is what I get for expecting the best ~ I always do that to me, I think everything will work out, that it is all for the good...

FUCK THAT. Life hates me, and I am beginning to hate life.

**sigh**

yes, really.

I hate the feeling that I have no one to talk to, no one to listen, no one to give a shit about ME.

**shrug**

ah well. caring about it wont' change a thing, so why should I care?

yeah.

anyone want to buy a horse?

not yet

October is nearly over, and I am not yet employed. I have to admit that my trying is pretty half hearted, I just want "anything" and not any one thing, which I do realize is totally backward. I am not going to be able to settle for "anything" and have to be specific and DO something.

**sigh** ah well. At least I am able to be specific now without the girls living here with me.

My Ma nearly made me insane today, she got into the "normal" mode and moved everything around and about, without regard to the fact that I live here too. She does this, and then wonders why I do not sit with her downstairs ~ um... DUH??!!??

Um... HELLO? **does the knock on forehead thing** I can not keep my handwork any place handy down there, I have to carry it up and down the stairs. I can not leave my dog toys and things down there, I have to carry them up and down the stairs. I can not have my dogs on the rug, because they shed, (sorry, not to good at levitating things any more) and you don't like how I vacuum...

I can not eat while sitting on the couch, because you have to have the telly at decibels that deafen my ears worse than they already are. Oh, and you have covered the tray tables with extraneous crap, so I have to set my food in my lap, which always ends in you being mad at me because I have dropped something on my jeans...

Which brings me to the point where I must ask... as you don't like anything I do, why should I want sit with you at all?? Talk to you? Take the time to say hello, and ask about your day? Why, why, why??

Do you not understand that this is merely a small stopping place in my life to sort and toss, and figure out where it is I want to go from here? That I will not be here forever? That you are driving me away on a daily basis with your uncaring actions?

**sigh** of course you don't. No one exists in this world except you. you and only you have feelings, and needs and whatever else crap that the psycho analyzer types say there is...

**shrug** ah well. So it goes. My mom is pretty clueless, and she will end up alone. I was the only one that could stand her, but that is rapidly coming to an end.

I am nearly fed up.. but not yet. I have a few things to get done, THEN I am gone.

:) I can do this... it isn't time to go... not yet.