is it Friday yet?

I miss the view from my 'office' already...

I am getting a cold, so I took some nighttime stuff to be able to breathe all night... while I slept okay, I am now groggy, and grumpy as I imagine the devil to be when he has a headcold...

No, not h1n1 ~ I live to far out in the sticks for that. Though I DO live in a tourist town...

**shrug** at any rate, I am dragging really bad this morning, all I want to do is crawl back in bed. Can't do that, or I won't sleep tonight, mores the pity. The cats are arrayed in their usual places, Leedle One on the back of my chair, and Old Cat in the dogs' bed. So very tempting to join them...

My room/work space are a mess, I've not taken a lot of time here at the house. I plan (yes, the dreaded P word...) to at least put the clean clothes away ~ then?

Probably a nap.

yes. a nap would be good...

**yawn**

I suppose I'd better get going before I lose all motivation...even the coffee is not helping today.

~:-)

two in a row...

Today is the second day that I have managed to be up and moving before 7 ante meridiem (a.m.) I was actually smart, and got the coffee machine all ready to go last night before I went to bed

yes, I amaze myself with my cleverness sometimes... o

Oh shush you!














Walk this morning was foggy, I made a whole quarter of a mile before I got tired... means half mile in all, right? Don't laugh, that is pretty good for the old lady here.

Fall really seems to be on its way now, though the weather man says that it will warm up by the end of the week ~

I have to finish moving stuff this week, then next week I will be busy trying to find work that does not tire me out, that pays enough to make all the bills and maybe can work into something with health insurance...

HA! yes, I laugh insanely at myself too ~ I do have a tendency to wish for the moon these days.

Off to the Farmers Market now, I hope to get enough fresh stuff to last until Thursday ~ when the next group of Farmers comes through.

I love this time of year.

:*

waking up

This












is what I wake up to each morning...
As I become more coherent...













I just want to close my eyes and hope the day goes away... but no, I get up ~













"gosh mom, you are actually kind of TALL"
And once I am standing...













SHE curls up someplace and goes back to sleep.

Sunday, and for most people in this world, the beginning of a new week.

I skipped church today to have the house to myself... it was a good thing to do. I made it through todays NYTimes, and I did not once lose my coffee cup!

For the first time in a very long time I actually had a cup of HOT coffee.

yes, I amazed myself with that little feat...well, two feats actually.

I am currently doing laundry, and oh how I hate laundry... I have a tendency to wait until every last wearable thing is in the pile before I'll do it.

**sigh** I really do need to work on that little flaw in my life, but as that is the only one I have, I am doing JUST fine!

**snort** delusions intact! :)

off to chat, I miss everyone. It has been nine years since I met everyone over LOTR ~ time to catch up.

~:-)

so...what IS today?

Without a way to mark time, it kind of loses its' meaning around here. I get up, do the days schtuff, and then go to bed. The only difference is that I am now doing more things in the daylight... like a "real" human being.

:)

Raining today, it is lovely. Though, the kids are coming to get t1ks' things, and now they will get ruined... it will all be thrown away anyways, and t1k has no balls to stick up to the SIL to say "no, my things count too"

They don't. NOTHING t1k owns counts for ANYTHING with the SIL. I wish she'd leave the man, but hey... she is a good little co-dependent person, and her life doesn't count for shit...

yeah. I raised HER badly. :p

My mom just informed me that t2k does not intend to come back here, her dad has offered her a job over on the west side... it would be nice to know these things in advance...

I can't care, it hurts to much. Once the things are gone that are t1k's, I am done with that... I have my own life now.

**sigh** sucks to feel as though I have put so many years into things that I did not need to do... I could have had my own life, but for some STUPID reason I put the girls first...

VERY STUPID.

so... yeah. this post has gone to hell.

off to do other things...

ah yes... My happy place!

New Month

four months left in 2009 ~ wow.

no, I've not a clue in this world where the year went. For the past three months straight I was involved in the theater gig ~ loved it, and feel a bit lost tonight without it... I suppose I shall survive, and get on with my life...

Today was spent sorting things out ~ I packed two different boxes, and then took a bunch of loose things to the storage. I have all month to finish it all up, but it will take time, energy, and a LOT of gas.

**sigh**

I feel like writing tonight, but I will do it long hand. Listened to a song on a web site (JoeNichols.com) and it put me to thinking ~ so I shall jot down a few words of the story that the song suggested.

feels good to begin to get the half done projects restarted ~ Live theater is time heavy, and it takes a lot of energy also. I don't do the stage thing, but it is just as bad to have to feel the whole works all night, to make the sounds and lights mean what they should.

I'd love to direct something one of these days.

**sigh**

SO!

I'm off to write, or fall alseep in the chair, depending on the mood when I get done with my tea.

today was my last day of eating whatever I want ~ If I am going to get a handle on my health, I gotta begin now.

Stargate ~ the movie is on AMC. Uh oh. need to write fast... ;)

'til tomorrow...

:*

half an hour

oops, been a week since my last time on here.

Bad Sue!

Again with the turning point thing in my life... I am getting a bit tired of momentous type decisions. Okay, so I am more tired of things being thrust upon me than I am of actually MAKING the choices I must make.

Today is my last day with 'my' theater ~ tear down this morning for the last show. While I am sad that we are finished, I am happy that it is over. All three shows was a bit much, and in the end, I barely made it...

when I get this tired, and I am in this much pain, little things upset me... VERY little things. Okay, the STUPID little things ~ **sigh**

Blake Shelton in the CD player, it is my first music CD purchase in a long time. Was a very good purchase ~ up until now, I've only heard him on the radio... his voice is a nice one to listen to.

Just figured out that Blake is going to be at the Evergreen State Fair... **sigh** tickets just cost way to much for this girl ~I'd love to go, but there isn't any way.

**Shrug** I have the CD, and intend to get more as time goes on. That is just going to have to be good enough.

Speaking of time, it is marching on, and I must be to work in about 15 minutes. Not much to do, but I have to do my part.

this post didn't even take me half an hour! wow. has to be a record.

**yawn** need more coffee, and now... I am off.

Positive Attitudes are a pain sometimes....

Today is honestly Sunday, but it is my Saturday. That being, I get to tear about like a mad woman and try to get a ton of things done... I am pretty sure that I will settle for getting some things done, ya know?

Listening to Pandora Radio (<<-- see the links on the left there) feeling a bit guitarish this morning. I have a nice guitar, though I can not remember how to play it really. If I pick it up, my fingers sometimes will do things on their own ~ its fun, but weird at the same time.

Been over to feed Budman and his cronies, we've a bale of nearly straight alfalfa ~ they were happily munching it when I left.

Kitties are sitting in the window watching the crazy dogs go running by while pulling their people. 'Tis a beautiful day out there today, typical of fall and not middle summer, and I've been able to leave the windows open this morning. As it is Sunday for reals, the car traffic is not as high as normal ~ tolerable noise levels there.

With only one more week of work with the theater, I am getting that funny feeling of worthlessness again. It is in the pit of my stomach, churning up the acids, making it a chore to eat, and brain numbingly terrifiying. It is hard to not be wanted for anything, ya know? It is harder to know that I can not really pay my own way in this world despite all the things I try to do. Sometimes, quite honestly, it comes down to the "why the hell do I even try" feeling, and it is hard not to give up.

So, with this thought in the back of my head, I know that I must try very hard not to give up to soon... have not give in yet, and the bills just keep piling up, and my health just keeps going to hell... but I can at least have a positive attitude about it all, right?

Right.

**sigh**

my Friday

though in the real world it is Saturday ~ I've mere hours before work.

My Friday includes matinees for the month of August ~ very hard on moi at this time, but I wouldn't change it for anything. I really like live theater, and want to learn more about the things I do...or am at least attempt to do anyways.

I must do what I do in a fairly decent manner, as no one tells me anything ~ could be that they are just putting up with me but hey... the only two that actually count (for me) say I am doing fine, so I go with that. I do know that they have had a lot worse than me...my insecurity in myself is showing, is it not?

**sigh** how DO I change that?

I've applied to Montana State, (Bozeman) though I do not know that I will have the money to go, it would be Fall of 2010. I have four classes that I must get out of the way here before I actually transfer there ~ I want to do the School of Film and Photography ~ though I find myself doubting that I have the talent to do it. My other thought is Native American studies ~ **shrug** going to have to firm up the thing in the next year.

I have to pay my mom back before I go ~ and with no child support any longer, I am really going to have a struggle. I find myself stuck in that weird place where I have to much or not enough education for local jobs ~ drives me insane. More than once in the past year I have also been the victim of racial discrimination ... something one does not think would be an issue, but it is alive and well.

as a side note, I am white, non-hispanic... :)

Time for brunch with the girls, for the first time in many many weeks we (all four of us) are all in the same place at the same time. Tomorrow we again scatter to the winds... one as far as Priest River in Idaho.

Thank the powers that be for the internet, eh? All now have small digital cameras for posting pictures, and cell phones for texts and tweets, wireless internet access for remote river children ... the split isn't quite so hard with such things, ya know? :)

How the hell did moms manage before such things? What did they do... **gasp** WRITE?

**falls over in a dead faint**

I don't know that I can actually use a pen anymore... hmmm... I wonder where my address book is...

:*

Saturday

argh.

Twitter is down again ~ silly thing. I am NOT addicted, no sirreeeeeeeee!

I must be off to the city now, I have things to get for the aminals, and my BigR is having their sale today. I was going to do the storage thing, but it is not working out easily ~ I have laundry to do, and someone else started theirs, even though I asked for the washer duties...

**sigh** living here is to much of a strain, I must go. I shall miss the perks (internet, and heat) but hey... one has to do what one has to do.

The ex called... no money this month for the kid.

AND he has a "sure fire" investment... WTF? so...

I'm off to the city. Later taters.

:*

Rose Stains...

forgive me for I have sinned...it has been three days since my last bit of nonsense...

**sigh**

busy three days too. At least I THINK it has been three days? Today IS the 13th right?

I think the biggest news is the trip to the Hinterlands ~ I've gone ahead and registered t3k (the third kid) in school up there ~ t1 and SIL are moving to Idaho, so I must needs get a place for the school year ~ do not know the feasiblity of such a thing, but I think I need to try. As long as I have sirius radio reception, snail mail for the netflix and internet access, I shall be okay.

LOL! I don't need my phone much anymore, it has become yet another thing to misplace. I think perhaps that once I live away from t2k I will use it more...

Now if only viggo would call... (please read this) ;)

Seems that Miss Piggy and Rose are all set to farrow, and Rose has decided that she does NOT want to farrow in her pen...

So, one night, SIL and T1k and visiting citified genetics researcher friend have to try to get Rose back into her pen.

Rose says, "No"

chase ensues. three normal sized humans chasing a three hundred pound pregnant pig around a one acre enclosure...

The horses line up on the fence, watching, snickering at the puny human efforts... they are busy taking bets on who is going to win this little rumble...

Each human now has a prodding tool ~ board to protect themselves, and a stick affair to poke.

thirty minutes into the fight, the humans are tired...

Rose is tired...

Rose gets angry when she is tired, and doesn't care who knows it.

Rose growls at the humans, challenging their puny efforts to cage her. She is PIG, hear her ROAR...

thirty minutes later, after many laps by pig and human around the field, the horses, bored, begin grazing about...still watching to see who wins the bets...

Rose, tired, and REALLY angry now, begins to drool...

**growl, drool, growl, drool**

Then Rose makes a mistake. She stops to rest in the entry to the pen. SIL grabs the fence, and literally bends it around her. (wire affair)

Rose, undaunted, hooks her nose under the panel and flips it, and SIL into the mud and other things that would make Mike Rowe very happy...

**growl, drool, sling drool all over the place**

T1k and citified genetics researcher friend laugh very very hard...

SIL vows to win... chases growling drooling spitslinger pig all over field...by himself.

T1k and citified genetics researcher friend laugh very very very hard...

Rose makes second mistake. She again stops within the bent fence.

SIL hooks the fence (no idea how) and stomps the lower edge into the mud/pig poo.

Citified genetics researcher friend has a flash of brilliance, and throws her board over the top of Rose.

Rose stops, and goes "OH!" ...

Citified genetics researcher friend, wondering what Rose is doing, lifts board... staring into little beady eyes of growling, drooling, spitslinging pig, she slams the board back down...

Rose tries everything after that.

Through the fence, under the fence, anywhere but IN her pen...growling, drooling, slinging spit everywhere.

after 90 minutes, the humans win ~ well, relatively speaking.

Pig Poo stains are hard to get out of clothing.

NOW I am in a bad mood (foul language alert!!)

I got up this morning, I was okay. I'm still feeling the cranky brought on by living here, having flareups, and all that, but I was dealing...

then, the incredible shit shifting† house did its' thing, and I can not find anything... my current project has vanished into a box somewhere, and I do not feel like looking for it. (sorry, bad attitude)

Then, t2k comes home with some kind (okay her normal) excuse for missing work this morning (she does this every time she spends the night with her paramour) and I LOST IT.

AT HER.

**sigh**

I wouldn't want her working for me either, ya know?

Now, I suppose I should be more paitient, she is 18 (nearly 19) and has the emotional state of a 14 year old... but DAMN.

I am NOT paying her bills any longer. Nadda, zip, fergetting it totally. **sigh**

Right now, I hate their dad. Stupid fucked up bastard.

**sigh**

**sigh**

foul mood, foul language, irritation beyond what I can handle today...

world, just freaking GO AWAY.



†my mom shuffles the things here in her house on a regular basis, it is so that she feels like she is "sorting" things out, and getting rid of the excess. Any projects/sorting/work I am doing goes along for the ride... she pays no attention to what others might be doing with things...

And yes... I pay rent.

**THIS SPACE FOR RENT**

all I can do is yawn today, I can't figure out why .... well, not exactly.

It has been a very long week for me... again. **insert swear words here**

I've decided to take the day off, and no one is home to tell me different... the girls are at work. :)

I have to clean my bedroom ~ it is BAAAAAD news. I hate vacuuming though, the damn thing weighs a ton, and I think it would be easier to carry the washing machine about... the vacuum is truly a dinosaur. something called a "rainbow" I have to put water in it?

yeah, I was serious when I said it was easier to carry the washing machine.

**sigh* *can't put off chores to much longer, the laundry basket is full, I've no clean towels, and I am out of socks.

I know... it was a terrible shock for me this morning to open the sock drawer and find there wasn't even a pair of mismatched ones to wear in my riding boots.

I do, however, still have clean underwear...

yeah, yeah, I know... TMI!

Weeeeeeeeeeelllllllllll.... lots to do, no will to do it.

**sigh**

I SERIOUSLY need help with this procrastination problem... I find one, but I'm to busy procrastinating...

what day is it again???

woke up "early" today ~ relatively speaking ~ and couldn't figure out what day it was to save my life. I knew the date, but (yet again) I had no idea of the day of the week. Had to LOOK at the calendar.

Guess life is busy enough that I can not be arsed to remember what day of the week I am on. My life is not a 9-5 five day a week thing ~ has not been for a very long time, and with no way to mark days (school for the girls type thing) I find no reason to actually CARE what day of the week it is.

Besides... I suffer from CRS†

We had crepes for breakfast, homemade, so they are a bit thicker than "normal" ~ freshly smoked salmon, shrimp, someone had some crabmeat, (I think... ) some compotes, and fresh berries with new cream. (I LOVE the farmers market) and lovely coffee from a trip by T3k to Starbucks. Breakfast these days is the only time we see one another ~ :-)

Occurs to me that I am happy that the girls drive... makes the trips I must make much easier to handle.

Oh lovely... fighting downstairs. just what I need to make the day go better ~ my mom is suffering from CRS † for real, and she does not see it ~ sadly, we all get impatient with her sometimes ~ because I do think that if she would actually pay attention to what any of us were saying, it would help. Sometimes, it feels as though she only talks to hear her head roar, and if she would just think before opening her mouth... she'd figure out what is going on before she repeated the questions that she had already asked, irritatiing the hell out of everyone...

Did that make any sense at all? SHees... I'm confusing myself now. **sigh**

I'm going to go across to the barn to see Bubba and to get away from the crap ~ I just do not feel like dealing with it today.

**yawn** then again, maybe I will just take a nap.

whatcha think vig? nap or horse?

yeah... horse wins.

:*





†(Can't Remember Shite)

it isn't Friday yet...

Waiting for the kid to come home, she should be here by now...

Theater was okay tonight, the show felt long, but we made it. Sell out crowd, they loved all the corny jokes and silly lines.

I don't know what it is about this year, but I lost another friend to cancer this week. That makes four since February.

I am to the point where I do not know what to feel, and it really no longer helps to cry. I don't know that I am sad, because it is horrible to watch someone you love waste away , even though they are fighting with everything they have in them ~

So, I think that I'm happy when the fight is over... but sad, because I shall miss them beyond what words can describe. I am glad that they no longer hurt in anyways, but I am angry as hell that I am now bereft of their friendship...

Now I probably AM going to cry. Guess maybe it is time ~ again.

Off tokiss my precious girls while they sleep, marvel at them with their healthy tans and perfect skin, and then come back here to cry ~

yeah.

That is the plan.

night

:*

a normal day

I have hay in my hair, and horse snot on my shirt...and I went back to bed this morning that way...

Probably a good thing I currently do not have a significant other, eh? I think that it is going to take an amazing man to toler...er... love me. **sigh** I find myself wondering if such a man exists...

my work for LST goes apace. I am down to 8 shows for the sound board op, and 15 for the light board.

In an odd way, I am happy that it is half over, and in an even odder way, I am sad that it is almost finished.

**sigh** I love what I do for them ~ and I think I do it well?? **shrug** I do my best, and if that isn't okay, then...

oh well. In the end ~ one, I get paid, ~ two, my immediate boss likes what I do, and three ~ the lighting designer likes what I do, and so... yeah. :) Is all good.

My eardrum hurts today, I've a wee hole in it. No swimming/rafting/riding for a bit I'm afraid.

I love the free clinic on Monday nights ~ can't afford the antibiotics I was prescribed, but hey... at least I know not to duck my head underwater for a bit.

I'm out of Cheerios, (my absolute favorite cold cereal) so had to substitute with something the girls eat ~ breakfast today was Cap'n Crunch and a pot of ambition... neither are doing much for my energy levels. I probably had a whole bottle of coca cola for breakfast, just not in what would be considered the normal form ~

bleah ~ :-p

I suppose I need to be off to my day ~ I work lights tonight... Pirates of Penzance. :) Turning out to be my favorite this season.

If you are in town, come see me in the booth!!!

:*

its my "sunday"

today, I made the epic journey to see the eldest daughter... they are about to lose their house, like so many others they fell behind on their house payments, (he is in construction) and ... yeah...

**sigh**

The house is nearly ready for the bank to take it over. This means that everything is now finished (or being finished) up, and the remodel will be all done.

they have put about 100,000 into the place, SIL has done much of the building, t1k the finishing.

would that everyone whom(who?) is going to lose their place would do such a good job... then the banks would actually MAKE money on the things, maybe so that they would not fail so badly, so that all of us would be a bit better off now...

I am going to miss that place, it was the closest thing to home anyone has had for a very long time.

**sigh**

SO!!!

lets see.

um...

yeah. I'm going to watch movies, and use up my two weeks free from Netflix ~ I've a project to finish by the end of the week (mine, not the "normal" end of the week) and then... maybe I will go riding or something.

August is beginning with a bang.

okay, not really a bang, but a *poof*

heh...

Hey viggo...wanna share my headphones?

:*

to begin with...

August did not begin auspiciously for me, I woke up yesterday morning with a headache…

Normal situation… but as the day progressed it went into a full blown migraine ~ then, after a bit, went into a barfing migraine…

yeah. WHEEEEEE!!!!

I have not felt so bad in a very long time. the stuff I take for the brain aches of that kind kept coming back up… fortunately, about 11 yesterday morning, one stayed down long enough to work, which got me through my second show last night.

**shrug** I dunno. Seems like all I do is push myself until I nearly drop to do stuff… I am getting so very tired of having to do this to me...!

At work last night, I had tunnel vision from the stupid headache… good thing I only have to use my ears for that particular gig, eh?

Came home, took a BIG painkiller (on the last of them here…) and passed out. I’m feeling goopy this morning, but as long as I don’t move to fast, and get off this here thing soon, I should be alright.

don’t work today, so I can sleep until it gets hot… yesterdays’ high was 107F…. YEESH. Fire danger has gone through the damn roof.

sorry for the disjointed post, like I say, I feel… goopy. loopy. weird. icky almost. BUT!!!

the headache is nearly gone, and I can see straight.

I’m off to make coffee ~ though I am nauseous at the thought of drinking/eating anything.

Maybe I’ll just go back to bed.

hmmm… yes. Bed is a very good idea.

Move over viggo…you’re hogging the bed!

Odder Still

It is now afternoon ~ I did go back to sleep... for quite awhile actually.

I guess acknowledging that I have this "feeling" allowed me to relax enough to sleep ~ I got up at eleven ~ just in time to say good bye to T3k. She gets to use the car today, I have to run to Wenatchee for some hay, the tonnage will not arrive for a few more days ~ I use the Ford for that.

I still can not place the feeling I am having. It is not clear enough yet for me to figure out what it might be...

**sigh**

Hopefully, someone or something will trigger an epiphany...

Oddly enough, I find that I am not really in any hurry to find out what this might be...

Perhaps... I've hit an equilibrium point?

Now that would be Odder Still.

Odd...

it is five thirty in the morning, and I am already up and out of bed…my brain turned on this morning when I woke up to a cat sniffing my face ~ I didn’t make the same mistake as last time though. I didn’t bother to find out who it was, I just…

**sigh**

I dunno about my cats. The Little One has been very good for the Old One…but still. SOME dignity should remain when you are nearly 9 years old, right?

Old Cat is lying on her back on my bed, (which is off to the right as I face my computer here) Belly up, and her head is tipped back so she is looking at me. Totally relaxed, her middle age spread is… well… spread out all over the place.

I wonder how I look to her ~ what I look like upside down? She is just staring steadily at me, blinking once in a while…

Most likely doing the “If I squint my eyes just so, the human looks like she is going to get up and feed me…”

Her comfort won’t last, because Little Cat is beginning to wind up. When I pushed my quilt back this morning, it formed this cavern ~ a dark spot in the middle of the bed.

Little One is currently diving (literally) in and out of it.

First cars on the road this morning, interrupting my peace…I feel resentful about it ~ I suppose that the rest of the world did not get my memo about staying home for the day.

:P

I’m not sure what I am feeling today, I do not know what woke me up ~ I feel as though … eyah.

Whatever is going on here is eluding me ~ guess it is time to crawl back in bed for a bit of a cat nap to see if that helps, eh?

**sigh**

yeah, that is a good idea.

Scootch over viggo, I’m coming to bed…for now.

Tuezday

taking a few moments here before I venture out into the heat to take care of the horses ~ they are in the small pasture still, there is shade and plenty of water ~ though they are eating a bale of hay each day now for the three of them... I am not allowed to use the big pasture, which is a royal pain in the ass ~ with that in mind, as soon as I possibly can, I am going to move Bud and be done with all the drama and shit that goes with the people that own the barn

I feel no better today, I just ate a bowl of cereal, and feel as though it is going to come back up. Means my system is worse off than I thought, and I am more upset than I thought ~ I guess I should have cried myself to sleep last night like I'd originally planned...

**sigh**

**shrug**

not much to be done about it, so... yeah.

98F for the hourly official temp, with about 30% humidity ~ ugh. It feels much worse for me in humidity over 20%.

With that in mind, I'd better get my backside over to the horses ~ so I can cool off in the sprinklers or something before I go to work tonight.

Viggo? In our new house, I would like to have A/C okay?

thanks love.

:*

cranky

well, for one thing, it is really hot here right now, and I do not do well in the heat. It makes me cranky...

**sigh**

I hurt everywhere again, it is the usual problem I have when the stupid flare ups happen... I'm fine when I'm busy, but if I am too busy I get 0verly tired, and then everything is so much worse ~ I feel out of control, I want to yell scream and maim myself...

dammit.

I feel like ranting about the unfairness of life, about my life being forever altered by something I have no control over, by something I did not do anything to deserve...

so where the fuck is the sense in doing that?

there isn't any. not a lick of it. I can't change it. I can't even control it... I'm at the whim and mercy of tide of crap that doesn't follow any cycle ~ at least not a regular one.

Life sucks, you cry, and you move on.

I have a hard time because I feel better for awhile, and about the time I forget that I am "sick" I get slapped, and slapped HARD. I fall down, and I can't get up ~

**sigh**

yeah, I'm whining again.

sorry.

so...

Life sucked today, and now I am going to cry... and after I get some sleep, I'll move on.

~:-(

mondays suck

Everyone is gone but me today... they work the daylight, I work the night...

LOL! now there is a loaded comment, eh?

**sigh**

I often do not know what to do with my girls, they are both doing just fine with most things... they are mostly level headed and do the "right" things...

So... here I am thinking about leaving Der Towne, thereby basically leaving all that I have tried to begin to build for myself here ~

Which, in all honesty is not very much. I have not bothered to even try in the recent years to get out and be ... well... yeah. I can not be myself, people don't seem to know what to do with me.

Hell, I seldom know what to do with myself. I'm all bottled up ~ Most of the time that doesn't bother me, but I have noticed recently that I feel like blowing up at the oddest times. (can't be good, right?)

**sigh** If I base a decision purely on the romantic front, there isn't anyone worth my time around here... all I get is the drunks and those that want to exchange dinner for a quick bit of sex ~ though after my latest relationship fiasco, I won't ever bother even thinking about the whole marriage thing EVER. Gimmee a sugar daddy, and I could be very happy, ya know?

**sigh** yeah, I'm afraid bitterness abounds with that last bit... sorry about that.

**Mogsie goes to her happy place**

okay, all better now.

:p

I suppose that I should quit my damned whining and get on with the day... I have a lot to do, and don't know if I feel like doing ANY of it.

**sigh**

Saturday morning still...

I am just now moving, I slept all night, and well into the morning ~ it is becoming a regular occurrence for me actually. Nothing suffered to much because of my sleep over, but hey... I feel better.

Though I do seem to have a kink in the left side of my neck..dammit.

Someone else made the coffee this morning (YAY) It isn't to very bad either. I appreciate it, whomever you are. :*

I've a long day today, the third show opens on Wednesday, and "tech week" begins at 12:30 this afternoon. I won't have anything to do until tomorrow, but the more I see a show, the easier it is for me to get my timing right. I get to hear the orchestra with the cast for the first time today, I'm not sure... and I am to lazy to go get the sheet that tells the order of the day...

Guess I'd better get my butt in gear, and get some food in my tummy. I'm hankering for crepes this morning... the girls will love that.

All of us work all day today ~ t2 is on the river until 6, t3 is on until 6, and I am going until at least 11 tonight...

Not quite sure why I do this to myself... low pay, crappy hours... good friends, and bloopers to remember and tell...

:P

My poor critters. I see them long enough to throw food at them, and a scratch on the neck, and am off again...

They aren't missing me to badly yet, no one is climbing up on the bed to sleep with me at night.

**yaawn** off to finish the coffee, and make food.

See you after work tonight viggo ~

:*

So many things, and nothing to write about...

Or maybe a more appropriate thing would be to say that I haven’t the gumption to write…

And I truly do not. To many things, to much stuff, to hard to put to words… I live by my emotions these days it seems, and they have me frazzled to the very core of my person.

Lets see….

**SPOINK**

ooops. Gasket blew… guess I had better just set it all down to words instead of thinking.

I’m working hard for the theater, I do not like the job any longer though. It has become a ghastly chore that I must do to earn the pittance they pay me.

That said, I still do my best, and try to keep out of the politics and alll the crap that goes on. Honestly, I thought I could handle it, but last evening I could tell I was slipping ~ the control is slipping away, and I am concerned that I will blow up at the next whiner that comes along…

I still have my horse, I can not bear to part with him. Every once in awhile, one connects on the most basic level with something, and it becomes a vital part of who you are… such it is with Budman. I will sell the car if I have to, and live in the barn with him if I must…

I still can’t find a real job, and I have come to the point where I do not look any longer. I do not want to live here, in my moms place any more… I can not handle it. I MUST LEAVE to stay sane…

I have applied to a few schools, two of them came back positive ~ IF I can only get some money to go now. They are both away from here, and… yeah. I do not hope for either right now, I do not want to be disappointed when I can’t get it together.

Have returned, after nearly 9 years, to the childrens book. Someone had “Clyde” sitting about, and wants to see more of it…

Again, I can not bring myself to hope.

**sigh**

The girls are in the Hinterlands, I told them to come straight home…and did they? No. They went out of their way to visit t1k and her hubby, and probably t3k’s boyfriend…they must stop in Wenatchee to help their other Grandma with an A/C unit ~ if they forget, I will come unglued on their little stupid backsides…

**yawn**

EVERY time I’ve tried to nap today, someone has called, or knocked on my door or…

dammit. Gonna be a very long night.

If the people I was watching were at all good, it would be so bad, but… BUT!!!

yeah. Amateur theater. **sigh**

off to the funny farm.

**poke** Come on viggo, lets go see Bubba.

:*

the morning

though I see by the clock on the computer, it is no longer truly morning ~ I've been up for a fair bit, and catching up on all the correspondence and work and...

I am sooo full of shite. I have done nothing but play on FB since I got on this thing, and though I really have read my emails, I have yet to answer any.

Of course, it is hard to answer someone that tells me how to enlarge my male organs, especially since that department is not mine...and even harder when I send said email to myself! I don't know how they do it, but somehow, the mass mailers of all products sexually enhancing seem to be using my own email to send ~ makes me insane actually. I thought for awhile that someone had hacked my email, but it has slowed down now ~ no one has let me know if/when they get shit from these people any longer, but I have changed all the passwords, and done what I can there.

:D

**shrug** ah well ~ at least I can say I get email this way. If I go on the amount of junk mail I get, I would say I am THE most popular person on the planet...

work tonight is the sound, at the hottest venue we have. I do not do well in the heat, so I will again drive up, and then drive the car back down when I am finished with the sound checks ~ then I will ride the bus back up the hill for the actual show ~

I dunno, I'll work something out, I just know that I can not walk up the hill to the venue and survive in this heat.

Went to see HP6 last night, it was only theater types in the theater ~ it amounted to a "private" showing for us. (one of the cast is related to the owner, and we basically rented the theater) It was fun, I appreciate the group we have this year more and more. They are all... weird like me! ;)

Though, I am not to sure I liked the movie. I mean... it was okay, but it appears to me to be a bridge to the last episodes of the HP movie dynasty ~ which isn't bad, but in two and a half hours, one would think that there would be more of the book in the movie... THIS movie. It seemed to cover only the relationships, and those just barely.

I don't think I will watch it on the screen again, though I will buy it because I have the rest of them, and don't want to break up the series... :)

t2k had a slap in the face yesterday, it appears that she was being a bit to... friendly...for the lady that runs the rafting company she worked with. It hurt her pretty bad, considering that she only actually "slept" with one guy, and she figured that they were serious (him and her) ~ turns out the rumour mill said she slept with everyone, and the lady (runs the company) tossed her out on the the "fact" that "she knew for a fact that t2k was having sex with EVERY ONE OF THE GUIDES"

**sigh** hard lesson learnt (I hope) . She has a back up plan, and is already employed with another company, but it hurt her feelings pretty badly that the guy she liked (and now dumped) was telling stories. **shrug**

It isn't that I did not see it coming, and there not a thing I can do now, ya know? Totally was one of those things that she had to learn on her own.

it is one in the afternoon already...wow. Guess getting up at 11:00 a.m makes the daylight hours feel like they are flying past.

I'm off to hang the gate, and hope it stays up. I have decided that I no longer owe anyone anything, and if they can bailing twine the fences together, so can I.

**yawn** maybe I will just take a nap instead...

~:-)

hey

It is nearly 11:00 a.m as I begin to type this, and I have (yet again) no motivation to do a damn thing this morning.

Oh, I have lots to do, just no urgency to do anything... at all. This is one of those days where I am happy to not be working a full time job ~

Finished up the last "fill in" job I was doing ~ now I am down to just the theater work. I hope to keep it this way while we open the next (and last) show for the summer ~ a 40 hour week, on top of the theater gig, the animals, my moms stuff, my other mother, the kids and all their angst would probably be more than I could handle.

No, not probably... it would be. Of course, I would not turn down work if it does come up, but **crosses fingers** I hope that my bad luck with real world work holds, and I don't have to think about it until after August first.

The list today is simple ~

Laundry ~ seen through to the end of the cycle, and not left sitting in the basket.

Cleaning the house ~ nah... I ain't EVEN going to attempt that, as it does no good right now. Four active people in the place, with an average of three dogs, four cats, and the regular expotitions (winnie the pooh) to various places with said animals... scratch clean the house.

Fence ~ have to measure for replacement/repair. I'm moving Bubba, so... not sure if I will do this or not. To keep with the nature of the place, I am thinking that I will go with baling twine repair instead...

Groceries ~ we've only been home for breakfast these days, so the list will be light ~ though expensive because it is basically all fresh stuff. I will be hitting the fruit stands today too, there should be some really good fruit coming on.

okay... that is enough.

Going to see Harry Potter 6 today tonight~as it is my only night off for the next 13, I may as well fill it with something theatrical, eh?

M'kay viggo, we must be on with the day... would you go tie the gate together while I do the laundry???

thanks dearest ~ heh...

:*

m'kay....

Suddenly it appears to be Sunday afternoon...

**yawn**

after a week of insomnia type symptoms, I came home last night, had my breakfast, and lay down, fully clothed on my bed...

The lights went out, and nary a dream was heard. AND!!!

From the way I ache this morning, I don't think I moved very much either...

**stray-eeeeeetch**

Had a minor emergency upon awakening though, the drip coffee maker was OUT OF COFFEE...the thing can NOT seem to keep up with it self, it has a terrible memory and when ever it is at the grocery store, it forgets to buy the stuff it eats...

okay, that is kinda "ew"... if I'd kept going, I'da been drinkin coffee maker pee...

**sigh** yeah, I know, I know... EW...

Tonight is tech/cue to cue/run through night for Pirates of Penzance ~

I was given a copy of the score, (bless you maren!) to read off, and it makes it a WHOLE lot easier... the thing is a musical for pities sake...

I wonder how my sound guy is going to do ~ I din't think that there was anyone that was more easily frustrated with things than me... but here we are, with someone that has a flatter learning curve than I do...

Wait... is flatter slower? or is steeper slower?

**shrug** ah well... which ever it is, he is more easily frustrated than me. I honestly do not think that he is going to be able to manage it ~ not the way that our sound man wants him to do at least. Okay... the way I think our sound man is going to want him to manage it... :) which, pretty much amounts to the way I think it should be done ~

Oddly enough, once I figured out the sound board ~ which I did not think I would be able to do ~ I now hear alllll the things that could sound better. Voices, timing, musical notes, pitch... everything. Things I didn't pay very much attention to before ~ and all of the sudden, I relate to our sound man on a completely different level... I find myself wanting to reach over and turn mic's down when the sound board op forgets, and push them up when he doesn't get the levels right in the first place... erk.

**slaps self on hands** NOT a good thing mogsie, NOT a good thing... **sigh**

My Old Cat is sitting here, chillin' out... whilst Little Cat has the freakin' rips, and is tearing about like she's got a fire under her butt...

I may have to cage L.C to get my nap.

Which I might add, me an viggo are going to take right now.

**yawn**

:*

Saturday, the 18th of July, the year 2009

this year is soooo...Half OVER.

I am so very tired. So very, very tired. Spent half the day doing nothing, the other being so busy and on the go that I feel like sleeping from now until Thanksgiving!

Show went fine last night, I THINK I got most of the videos right. It was good to find out that I was not totally at fault, the DVD is all screwed up, making the timing pretty bad. Our stage manager figured it out for me, as I was a bit late...

I dipped in the horse trough I was so late... luckily, I cleaned the thing out once this week already!!!

My girls are every whicha way right now. t1k and her hubby finally got their papers for the foreclosure, it is officially official. **sigh** I have hope that they are young enough to begin again, and make things better this time, ya know? The process now is to begin to sell the horses away, then the other animals ~ the pigs are farrowing now, so that will be a bit of money before the end of the 90 days.

**sigh**

t2k is working ...for real now. She went to another rafting company, and they took her on ~ gladly it seems. I am hoping that she will be getting paid now, the gas money is killing me!!!

t3k got her first pay check...

and I was, yet again, politely told I am not being hired...

**sigh**

I feel so old, and so... worthless.

**sigh**

I've got to run take care of the horses, and then I have a run through for the third show this afternoon ~ then sound board tonight, and TOMORROW I DO NOT WORK!!!

Of course, I have to do all the things I haven't gotten done up 'til now too, so... eyah. Some day off. :p

erg. I hope thid heat wave goes away soon, it is going to kill me.

I think I am going to go sit in the horse trough now, before I have to sit in a hot building for two hours ~ heh... eyp! The horses always think I am insane when I do it though, they stand and stare at me like "WHY would someone get IN the water on PURPOSE???"

~ :)

off to the afternoon, and I already need more coffee...

er... Thursday Morning Post...!

According to all things prediction-able, it going to be very hot the next two days here in the PNW. 100+ F

**sigh** I do not do well in the heat, one of the things that is malfunctioning is my ability to cool myself off, I do not sweat as I should. Last week in the heat I threw up my dinner ~

Ever thrown up in a porta potty? I totally, without reservation, recommend NOT doing so. Go find a nice convenient bush somewhere and... yeah. Seriously. Someones shoes, their car tire...whatever. Porta potty smell makes it oh so very much worse ~ once you start, it is hard to stop... Bleah :p

Did the my opening night for the second show ~ it went well. There is this video thing that I am supposed to run during the show... It is no trouble, I just do not quite have the timing right. If I add a light cue, and a line cue from someone on stage into the mix, then it becomes even more problematic to achieve the timing... AND we have to raise and lower a "flap" to avoid the little go arrow/pause sign dealies... yeah.. timing is huge in all of this.

Now, I know how to do it, I just...er... didn't try too hard. While somewhere, deep within me I know that this is wrong, I can not bring myself to be contrite about it ~ at ALL.

Such an attitude, eh? I will do it properly ~ as long as I am allowed to just DO it, and not be pressured. Set me loose on the problem, and let me be. I'll get it done. :)

Except in my own life that is... **sigh**

Both my girls are home today, they are on the PS2 ~ odd to hear them playing together again, it is like old times. They really do like one another, they just can not stand being around each other?

**shrug** I watch, and hold my tongue.

I've been awake for all of two hours now. As per bodily functions there is only one reason I got out of bed before noon today ~ that and the cats insisted that they needed feeding. Not sure why they would want to eat? Old Cat could be used as an anchor for a crab boat, and Little Cat could be the engine... serious energy from that girl. She gets her baby makin' parts yanked the first of next month ~ the only thing I am scheduling with my first pay check of the 2009 theater season. :)

Fading fast, it is time for a nap. I have to run across and feed the horses, I am having an issue with the folks that water the big field. THEY have extra pasture for their horses (four of them) we do not... but they want me to keep Bubba and Angel off the big pasture for TWO WEEKS...

this is not really possible, but until I talk to my barn land lady, I am going to go with it.

Not much else I can do.

**yawn**

Hey viggo, would you please run across and feed the ponies?

I'm going back to bed.

:*

Listening to the radio, being... what? Depressed isn't exactly the word, but I am not feeling up to much right now. I have to go to "work" tonight, and for the first time in a VERY long time, I do not want to go ~

I mean... my boss means the world to me, and I will do nothing to let him down, but... the air of the show is just awful.

I don't know how to make it better either. I can't change the basic problem that causes this "air" though I would do anything in my power to do so...

**sigh**

I shall go and do what I can to counteract the badness... I don't know how though, I just don't know.

I wish I had a knight in shining armor to come rescue me... I am so tired, and so ... tired.

**sigh**

viggo, PLEASE come get me???

:*

Hugs by the ton

I don't have any nights off until this coming Monday... then we begin the final push for last show...

Man, I hope I make it.

Had a wonderful call (please read with all the sarcasm intended) ... T1k has let me know that they are going into foreclosure on their land/house. They are lucky that they stayed this long I guess ~

**sigh** I do not know what they are going to do ~ and while it really isn't my problem, I am not going to stop worrying, ya know? My biggest worry is T3k... she was so set on going back to Mansfield for the school year.

Unless a miracle happens, this will not be coming about. Dammit.

Work last night left me in a bitchy mood. **sigh** Being an empath type person sucks, and I feel more connection to some people than others ~ which is fine, but when I am in a situation where everyone hates the situation as much as I do, sometimes it gets overwhelming... everything gets magnified for me ~ and sometimes, I feel as though I am losing it.

And dislike the situation we are in - I do. I mean seriously. What is wrong with saying "good job" when folks are trying their hardest? Would it kill you to boost them up a bit?

I find myself wondering if I am treated "oddly" due to my personal connections within the show...

hmmm... this just occurred to me ~ makes me think even LESS of certain people, ya know? Judge on a persons merits, NOT on their associations with people...

**shrug** Ah well...

At any rate, last night I made a swift right turn (away from home) and went to see my Budman. I probably gave my landladys' caretaker a heart attack because I was at the barn so late, but I don't care a whole lot. Bud was waiting at the fence when I pulled up, curious ~ I could tell by the greeting nicker. We communed for a bit, and I did something totally dangerous... I got up and laid out on his back, in the dark without anyone knowing I was there. Was a first for him, and he managed just fine. :)

I love my horse ~he is fast becoming the fine line that keeps me from feeling completely pissed off at the world, and angry all the time at the way things go ~

My hugs by the ton.

Come on Viggo, we've a gate to repair...

What? you want to go out to breakfast first?

I can do that...Eggs Benedict?

:*

odd ball

m'kay... today I feel the odd man out ~ I'm sleepy, but wide awake, grumpy, but not cranky...yet.

I let the girls go camping with their friends last night, and t3k managed to screw that up too. t2k came down for work, and t3 did not come down with her... so she has to have a ride down from someone else...SO!

I am off to make sure bubba and angel are doing fine, switch some sprinklers, and contemplate the grounding of my third child...

She is in SOOOO much doo doo... she just pretty much screwed up any chance she had of returning to Mansfield school district.

**sigh** if she loses her job, there is going to be BIGGER hell to pay.

off to the ponies.

:*

New Post

HA! I can tell that I use the keyboard more than my girls do ~ the chair is always pushed all the way in when I sit down to use the computer. I have to pull the chair back a ways to get the keyboard out.

Day 2 of light board duty went okay... I didn't do anything at all... **sigh** I KNOW this is boring, I have done this for MANY years.

Still, it bugs me to just sit around so much, and listen to the director types yell at people ~

I like the guy that I am working with ~ he is doing the sound board, and it sounds (get it??? SOUNDS??? Heh...) like he actually may know what he is doing, way more than I do. I am happy that he is there, now... if he can only do the mic's in and out like he is supposed to. I am quite sure that he is better than me! :) We share a common interest in writing, books, screen plays, theater... I think we shall have to work very hard at not talking to much!

My only real thought on this production of SITR is that it is trying to be to much like the movie, I think it would have been better if they could have made it an actual PLAY. That has everything to do with the directors...we shall wait and see how it works.

I have decided that I am going to wait to see what will happen in the month of July ~ I figure I have until the first of August to make any kind of actual decisions on my life ~ I do feel that I need to do for t3k what I did for Ts' one and two... stay where I am for them to finish schools. Makes me insane when they say "but I didn't want you too" when that is THE furthest thing from the truth... **shrug** I don't worry to much about it any longer, they are on their own.

There is a trip to the city in the morning for hay ~ though I do really need to do that now ~ today, if only because of logistics with the busy weekend schedules. But the house is empty, I'm alone in the silence... I don't WANNA go any place. I think I shall run across and feed the horses, and besides... I've enough hay to last until Monday.

SO!...Whats for lunch there Viggo?

What? you are taking me OUT to lunch?

No wonder I love you...

:*

HUMP day...

OI! I am soooo tired.

Not physically tired really, at least not any worse than normal. I am tired in my brain, my center of being, that little dudette that makes me stay sane when all other about me are not…

Staying sane can be pretty difficult, ya know?

the theater goes apace. I began my next 13 nights (12 left) straight last evening, and it was totally boring for me to a large extent. Once things kind of got rolling on the second run through, it was better, but by then I just wanted to go home. I like what I am doing, though in the next show up, I do the lights…. should be interesting, but in a VERY dull way. Now that I have done the microphones on one show, I am fearful of the boredom that may set in…

**shrug** I am so easily bored these days, I scare myself.

Today I begin in earnest to find a new place to put my Budman. I am tired of the politics required to care for him where he is. The owner of the field is senile, the Land Lady (daughter of owner) tells me one thing, tells the other residents of the neighborhood other things, and the other residents (as far as I can tell) feel that they have first dibs on the good stuff, and they can make decisions without asking what is good for me and the horses that are in my care…

SO! **shrug** (again) Budman and I are moving on, the sooner, the better. I’ll give until the end of July… and that is it. By then I will know if I am keeping Bud or not. I most likely will ~ I hate giving up my baby.

though he IS terribly expensive to feed.

My girls are up to many things these days, t1k and SIL are talking about moving to WV. He has applied to a small company out there, and I (for one) am hoping that this works out for them. They need to be away from here ~ I shall miss them, but hey…if it will help them, it needs to happen.

t2k is “working” for a rafting company ~ I used to think that this company was fairly reputable…Not thinking that so much anymore. They are SOOOO using the kid, and it is beginning to piss me off. They are in a “win win” situation with her, free labor, lots of extra people coming in to ride “her” boats… the boats that she does NOT get to guide, even if she tries…

t3k is moping about. She went on the river yesterday with t2, and is exhausted still ~ she was sent home from work early on Sunday, then asked not to come in on Monday because the tourist business is so slow… poor thing. She was hoping to make enough money to buy a car this summer. So far she has made about $200.00.

All this leads up to one thing.

Yet again, I feel caught in the middle. I had figured out what I want to do, though nothing is ever cast in stone for me, it was a good thought, and a good way to go…now? I suffer from “not so sure” again. I’ve only the one kid that I have to worry about, but… still. Her sisters were allowed to do what they needed to make it through their teens, why shouldn’t she????

**sigh** I’ve reached, yet again, the ‘damned if I do, damned if I don’t” stage…

Dammit!

**Sigh**

Come on viggo, you are taking me to lunch.

I really need to get my backside in gear...

I was going to the city today, but got up feeling lousy, so it can wait until later... I can always go this afternoon, ya know? t2k is taking a boat out as guide for the first time, and t3 is going along for the ride, so...

I may not have any children at the end of the day. ;)

I'm coming down with some kind of chest/throat thing, I am sure it is something from the crowd I work with. I've had trouble with asthma for the last two years, and the heat makes it worse ~ but it is not hot today, not sure why I am so wheezy.

Once again, I find myself at a point where I am not sure of what to do ~ should say ~ what I want to do. I just get to the point of a decision, and things happen that don't make sense, or it is stuff that I feel that I have to balance into whatever equation that I am working with.

Part of that is the youngest child. She has a school where she is happy, and I THINK she has friends there, but there is NOTHING for me to do up there ~ I am not doing anything down here either, so...

**shrug** Therein lies the rub. I don't know that I want to (or if I am even willing) to do nothing for two more years. I can work, but up on the plateau, there isn't anything for me to do...

**sigh**

Tonight begins a 13 day straight run to the opening of the next shows. There are three for the summer, and only one is going ~ The techs week for the next two shows kind of run together, so... yeah. I am going to have to be VERY careful and not get to tired, stressed or anything else...

It's a good plan, but I do not have much faith in it ~ I am always stressed out by SOMETHING.

I must needs be off for the day, I have to get things paid, cash a check by the ex for food, and...other things that I didn't write down.

Come on Viggo, lets go see the horses...

Happy Fourth of July!!!!

Live in ... 5...4...3...

2...1...

cue the Nuns!!!

:)

Had my first fun with microphones last night, it won't be bad... nope! not bad at all... it is going to be AWFUL.

WHAT have I gotten myself INTO?????!!!!

Other than a that little wiggly concern about the complexity of the project I have undertaken, I think it is going to be an absolute blast. The hours go by quickly when there is something to do!!!! :)

My mom comes home today, the house is okay, pretty much just as she left it. Except I let the lawn get longer than she cares for it to be ~ I am hoping that I can convince her to keep it taller than she has been, though I know, pretty much as fact, that she will not...

And, if that is the case, I will just let her mess with her own lawn, and it will not be my problem.

**sigh**

I seem to be doing that "not my problem" thing a lot these days. Such a huge switch in attitude for me, because I used to take on things that had nothing to do with me ~

I'm learning! Slowly, but still... I am figuring it out.

Going to take things to storage today, I am going to see if they have a unit that I can get ~ never should have given up the side by sides. My mom did not keep her word, and is shuffling things around badly ~ I should have known that 'her space' and her 'need' for that space would take precedence. I was an total fucking idiot...

Actually, I'm to the point where everything can just go away ~ and it just might. I'm to much of a loser to get my own house... so I surely do not need any of it.

Someone out there can use it!

Off to face the day, I've got things to do, gas tanks to fill.

:P

holy zoomers batman, it is Sunday already!!!

I am still trying to figure out if Sunday should be the beginning of my week, or the end... it changes from week to week, and totally depends on the week that proceeds it ~

Intuitive of me, eh?

**sigh**

Live theater production is rolling, I am not sure that I am happy with this. I nearly didn't take the gig, as I was not sure I would have any fun ~ And thus far... I have fun when I am there, but!!!! It is pure hell in the time leading up to it... I dread going, and do not want to play anymore. I am quite sure that this is my clue that this will be my last summer helping out at the place.

I think if I understood more about what I am doing I would like it more ~ *shrug* ~ at this point, I don't care, I am just there to push the buttons, and make it all work.

t3k has a job, she began work today. She is only busing tables and keeping water glasses full ~ but hey...it is a place to start. She has never wanted to work up until now, so I am pleased that she has something. It will be interesting to see how she is doing when I pick her up later this afternoon. :)

And I DO have to pick her up. t2k left here in the truck yesterday morning, and I've not seen her since. I am quite sure that she is avoiding me... and this is actually a good thing. I am a bit past angry ~ I am in that calm spot that a person does when they have had enough of all the crap that someone else (or situation) has dished out, and they no longer care to much what the excuses, reasons, arguements, justifications, whys' and wherefores might be.

In other words, I have had it up to HERE (hand above the head thing) with all her "stuff"...

**sigh** apparently, I am trying to control her life, and she is making a statement...by avoiding me, and making sure that I know (through her sister) that SHE is capable of making her own choices... well, I suppose that is valid, but you know what?

She is driving MY car, and using MY gas, and eating MY food, and I am taking care of HER animals... I find it mildly irritating that it is okay to make said statement as long as she can use my resources to do so...

**sigh**

eyah... so! Her status as daughter has now changed, she has attained the status of tenant...I really doubt ~ no, I know for a fact ~ that she is not ready, nor capable of maintaining the status of tenant.

I wonder where she is going to live now?

**shrug** while I care, it really is not my problem any longer. She chose her way, and now... lets see if she can stay on the path.

Come on viggo, we've got to go put Budman out in the big field...

:*

Hump Day, one million and nine...

seems that this week is flying by too… **sigh**

it is the hormonal week here at our house ~ everything and everyone seems to follow the same moon cycle.

Even the ones on birth control. :P

No word on jobs yet, and I’ve applied for five in the past seven days. I do not have the gas money to run to the city today, in fact, I am out of money period. There isn’t any more to do anything with at all.

Time once again to apply for public assistance, eh? At least now I won’t feel guilty about it, as the girls are living with me again, ya know?

The second kid (t2k) is off to “work” for the day. I do not know how long it will last, as she is well on her way to borking the whole rafting gig.

For as long as I have known her, she has had control issues. The dad in our family turned out to be an ass, and through no fault of t2k’s own, he disappeared at a crucial place in her life. I tried, honestly, but I could not fill the void ~ and he was not allowed to try to see her to explain that it was not her fault and all that… (not that he would have bothered to try) But it left her with a need to control EVERYTHING.

So… the first week that she worked with the rafting company, she was fine.

The second week, the water was higher, and she was in a boat that dumped twice in one trip. Both times, she came up under the boat the first time ~ not an unusual occurrence.

She came home, was fine… or so I thought.

From there, things went downhill for her. She has become terrified of going down the river ~ not of water per se, but just rafting the river. She is soooo bad that she passed out from the fear last week, and had an ambulance ride to the ER to be sure she was okay.

She was a bit dehydrated, and hungry, but other than that? It was all in her mind, and she knows it.

**sigh**

now, I have NO idea what to do. I appreciate that she keeps trying, but there are times when one can not handle things on ones own…

At any rate, the owner may not let her back on the river, and I (for one) hope that he does not. She has to learn to control her fears within herself… and it ain’t gonna be easy, nor short, nor… anything. She can not ignore this control freak thing any longer.

**sigh** so…two screwed up now, neither beyond redemption, but out of my hands. Kind of frustrating.

All I can say to them now is good luck, and God speed.

Come on viggo, lets go make breakfast.

:*

CAn't wait for something to feel as though it is going right...

okay, I'm tossing it in... already had a turn down call today, though it WAS for a job I gave up on months ago. It felt like the woman was calling because they found my application in the bottom of a drawer some place and she felt guilty that I'd not even been considered and...

yeah.

so.

second on the poohy agenda is a horse matter... I had a line on a mare, one that is exactly what I am looking for, and *POOF* ~ my fields are gone. I don't even have much of a place to keep Bubba now...

that means that I need to very seriously consider selling him now. I don't want to, but I will.

**sigh**

yeah.

I wish I could feel like SOMETHING in my life is going right...

Saturrdayyyyy

Slept in just a bit this morning, it is nearly 9 of the a.m ~ it always take me at least half an hour to post, with all the interruptions ...

Happy Summer Solstice!!!

I wonder how I have gotten to the middle of this year, without knowing where the year has really gone?!

Been an eventful half year ~ for someone I am sure... :P

Today, I am going to do silly things, like... laundry, dishes, pot plants, start a second crop of flowers, and put up the "outdoor bedroom" ~ reminds me, I need to get my sleeping bag out of storage so I don't freeze to death tonight. I am not sure the tent is waterproof any longer, so I have to be sure to have a tarp handy in case it begins to rain ~ Can I redo the waterproofing on nylon? I am pretty sure that I can... hmmm....

My mother is going to see her younger sister this coming week, the house will be very quiet ~ Sadly, my mom is suffering from her usual malady of "gotta get it alll done before I go" which is really quite a foolish thing to do, as she leaves here exhausted, and always, ALWAYS has a lousy time traveling.

*shrug* I can not make this my problem, as she has jumped my ass about the stupidest things already this morning... I am avoiding her like I would the plagues.

Her being gone will help me out a lot, I will be able to finish up a lot of loose things. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I seldom have the time to finish what I start ~ it always ends up back in the boxes I got it out of... rather odd phenomenon actually...

Kitties have had their morning tear about, and are napping ~ I envy them actually. I must be off to do things now, and I don't want to... I want to hide until Monday night when mom is actually GONE.

**sigh**

yes, it will do her and I good to be away from one another, ya know?

come on viggo, I'm ready for breakfast now... are you buying??????

:*

day of rest

I seem to be getting a lot done these days, I am sleeping better at night too. I find it hard to keep going through the afternoons, but so far, I have slogged on through them.

Dealing with both girls being here is ... interesting. While they are both a bit more mature, every once in awhile there is a slip up and things go awry...

**sigh** to be expected I suppose.

so, today ~ I had myself a day of rest. I did accomplish things, like... two different cover letters, and a "Functional" resume... (more later on this) but I think I really really needed to be still ~

That, and the car had to go back to the city for a First Aid/CPR class. Gas is at 3 bucks a gallon here now, so I have curtailed my driving. I go to the barn, and that is pretty much it unless I have a job interview.

Speaking of which, I must get myself to the city, as I have (as I said) a cover letter for two potential employers.

I find it sad in that I do not really want to work for anyone else, I want to work for ME. I want to get myself in a place where I can do what I love, and make some pennies at it... enough for hay, vet, and some left over to pay the rents.

**sigh** BUT! I also have to get to a place where I CAN work for pennies. I've horses to pay off, and I know that I will never see a single copper cent in money for the storage unit I've kept for the extra stuff... so...

eyah. Off to get a job. I've laundry to finish too, my good jeans are in the machine ~ I have to buy laundry soap...

no, I don't think I will. One of the blogs I read regularly (HI Suzanne!) gave me a good idea ~ I am going to try to make my own laundry soap.

I have everything here to do it already ~ it is made from stuff I already use daily, so why buy?

**shrug** guess I am just slow that way, eh?

So... viggo? we've got to get it in gear. I've things to drop off, showers to take, babies to see... yes, we've a new gran babie!!!

now, don't get excited... he was born in the middle of a field up in the hinterlands...means, I've no human grandbabies yet.














no name , and this is when he was just hours old.

off to the day now...

:*

late

well...off to the day ~ its a weed :)

randomness

Seems all things happen in threes at my house ~ the good, the bad, the weird, the unexplainable, the ugly...

t2k is off on her rafting adventure, she is lovin' it so far. Today she is on the "main event" ~ means she is not doing the big rapids above town ~ because she didn't get herself on "the board" soon enough.

It is thundering a bit outdoors, I am home alone except for the dogs... I don't care for thunder when I am by myself ~ yes, yes, I am what one could call a "wuss" ~

**sigh** I wish I really had me a viggo, ya know?

Today also begins the theater season ~ there is a picnic scheduled this afternoon. I have never attended this particular picnic in all my years (9 now) with the company, so... why should I now? It would be the right thing to do, but ... I dunno if I want to go. Not only am I in a terrible bah-humbug mood today, I just do not want to go anyplace where social interaction may be required.

**shrug** yeah, I am in THAT bad of a mood.

so, I am now off the computer to work on a few things while I can lay them out without interuption. I sit and watch the telly while knitting lap robes/prayer shawls ~ it keeps my hands busy so I don't eat... and when my hands hurt, I read ~ a lot. I'm on a fourth-sixth grade level kick right now, including Fablehaven, Artemis Fowl, and Septimus Heap ~ :)

I am going to get myself a small point and shoot camera I think ~ the one my dad left me is hard to use ~ how is that for a random thought?

HMMMM?????

so viggo, I think it is time for a nap. **yawn**

eyp, definately.

:*

Happier than flies on cowpies....

Sometimes, in the midst of alll the stuff that happens to a person, life throws in a little sommat that makes the time and effort worth the while.

This weekend, my middle daughter (OCD one) is officiallly finished with High School. It has been a very long year...

But now, she is off and doing things that I never thought she would be able to do, she was always tied up in knots about so many things that were beyond her control...

so... again with the weekend here ~ she is going to be working for the river raft guide folks that I learned from many many many millions of years ago...

I'm so ... I dunno. I am proud of her, happy that she has a way in life now, that she is at the point where she will be living her life on the terms that she wants.

Two down, and one to go... kinda. We'll see what happens now, eh?

I so need a place, a job, and a life... where do I want to be now?

**sigh**

I oughta be smacked for letting myself get lost in my kids, ya know?

Come on viggo, we've some booties to order for a graduation gift. I think she wears size 8 in womens...

:*

Fourth

And so, it is the sixth month in the year two thousand and nine...

six months in, and I do not have work to speak of, and bills up the hiney. Okay, so I do have a job coming up, but the pay is lousy, and I signed the contract so that I had SOMETHING coming in for the summer.

**sigh**

Today, am forcing myself to sit down and build a real live resume ~ I don't have a lot to go on it, but what I have will do, right?

Right!

Can I put down things that involve taking care of children and their care? Is there any way that I can say "domestic goddess" and get away with it? Can I say "I need a job so badly I will sell everything except my soul" for it?

I'm so frustrated I feel like crying ~ it totally sucks to be so broke I can't pay for help, but not be in dire enough straits that I don't qualify for any help from any federal or state agencys.

*sigh*

Guess I will just plow on through, and hope for the best.

I hear there is a housekeeping job open downtown...would it be pretentious to have a resume for that???

erk.

On with it...

help?

anyone?

pleez?

**sigh**

June oneth, the year 2009 ~ and in 9 days, I will celebrate the day I first became a mom...

Can't believe my oldest daughter is going to be 26 years old in nine days.

That means I am now older than most dirt ~

**sigh**

Tonight I FEEL old. I didn't feel this way until I arrived home here to find that yet again, my mother had shoved things around... without regard to what was where, and who needed what to stay where it was, and which ever she ...

yeah... yet again, my mom has lived up to the reputation she has long cultivated, and decided that her things are more important than ours, and that she can just shove our stuff to the side, without regard to the consequences...worse still, she does not see the damage she causes, and even worse than that, she does not WANT to understand what she is doing ~ the irrepairable damage she does to relationships, and humans...

**sigh** to put it bluntly, I do not think that my mom gives a shit about anyone BUT herself.

SO! now I am faced with a dilemma ~ I feel that it would be a good thing to move ALL my stuff out again ~ after many months of trying to get stuff ready to sort out and sell, box and give away, and I've most of my craft things here at the house now ~ but I can't afford to pay her rent, and pay a storage for too. SO!

do I pay a storage (I'm thinking that I should) or do I pay rent to someone that ... **sigh**

My mom just took three months worth of work and jumbled it all back into what amounts to one big pile. Broken parts, lost parts, pieces of things everywhere... my sewing machine bobbins are now all in a ziploc bag, most of them are unraveled and the thread on them useless... means I have to remove what is left, and start over.

What a waste of my time, not to mention my resources...

Sadly, I am not surprised.

I am just sad, and at this very moment, angry with myself for believing (yet again) that she would follow through with her promise to leave everything alone until I had it settled.

guess I am the stupid one here, eh?

**sigh** yeah. I'm dumb.

so, with that cheerful thought, I am going to bed so that I can begin the process of getting another storage, and getting myself moved back out completely from this hell hole, keeping only my bed, and my dresser for my clothes here ~ Though I've not signed my contract with the theater yet, so maybe it is time to simply leave...

I'm going to bed now.

night viggo, I'll see you in the morning.

:*

off into the sunset

It is time to go feed the horses, feed being a relative term... I don't mind so much, but I have to put on SHOES...it is to hot for anything but flip flops...













(omg, I have HUGE feet!)

and I have to put on my jeans also...













and I can't ever remember where I put my barn shoes...













oh duh... downstairs, turn left twice, and trip over them...
and then...













off to the barn!
on our way there, Old Dog is attacked by a monster ~













From INSIDE the car...
Now, the reason I wear shoes and jeans would be...













...the Budman.
now, he doesn't look so bad...
Until you get up next to him...













Or, BEHIND him...













Like I say, he's not so bad...













you just gotta wear your shoes ~













At least until you ride off into the sunset.













:*

Beauty

this is my younger brothers work ~ go check him out at his website!