Irritable

It is gorgeous out today, the dogs are out in the yard just sitting in the wet grass and leaves. I wanted to try to take a picture, but the moment I get out the door, they are up and at the gate. Half an acre of lawn, and they wait to tear about until they are IN the house. As they are soaked (and smelly) I make them wait in their kennels until they are dry.

I've moved the kennels downstairs. I do not know what my mom is going to do with that, but hey ~ I'm trying to make this room here alll my own, and the kennel was in the way. I do not know that it will necessarily stay down there, but for now? **shrug** it needs too.

I'm still very down on myself. I lost yesterday to a migraine/sinus headache, today the sinus part continues. As I owe the doctors somewhere over 30 grand, I am loathe to go back for the sinus infection that I know is brewing in my head.

I hope to get some help with the medical now, I have no income, only outgo. Maybe THAT will qualify me for SOME kind of help??

Probably not. **sigh** The way the government here in the states works is completely screwed up. I should pose as a foreign and then maybe I could get some help.

**sigh** Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are from Mexico, they work as hard as I do ~ but they still get help for the medical... so ... whats up with that?

**sigh**

**shrug**

yeah, the system is kind of odd. It is presumed (I think) that they have nothing, where it is presumed that I have things... a car, a house, etc etc... I don't. If it weren't for my mom, I'd be out on the street. Lord knows my children won't take me in!

**sigh**

yes, that makes me feel the loser, especially the kid part. I feel rejected by my own girls...

what did I do wrong? What did I do that was so bad, except do my best? I think I did to much actually, and did not make them feel the pain of having to do whatever you have to to make ends meet ~ I went without so they could have, I did not use "their" money for anything but them...

Self sacrifice is WAY OVER RATED. Do NOT do it!!! NOBODY GIVES A SHIT WHEN YOU DO.

*sigh* I probably won't ever figure it out. It's not THAT important, but there is a part of me that is turning quite cold. The way I feel right now, I do not think I will lend any more money, or "loan" any of the things I value to them... by and large it is not taken care of, and is ruined by them and their dogs...

yeah.

So. why do I feel so bad about myself? WTF is up with that?

It makes me irritable...

:p