Live in ... 5...4...3...

2...1...

cue the Nuns!!!

:)

Had my first fun with microphones last night, it won't be bad... nope! not bad at all... it is going to be AWFUL.

WHAT have I gotten myself INTO?????!!!!

Other than a that little wiggly concern about the complexity of the project I have undertaken, I think it is going to be an absolute blast. The hours go by quickly when there is something to do!!!! :)

My mom comes home today, the house is okay, pretty much just as she left it. Except I let the lawn get longer than she cares for it to be ~ I am hoping that I can convince her to keep it taller than she has been, though I know, pretty much as fact, that she will not...

And, if that is the case, I will just let her mess with her own lawn, and it will not be my problem.

**sigh**

I seem to be doing that "not my problem" thing a lot these days. Such a huge switch in attitude for me, because I used to take on things that had nothing to do with me ~

I'm learning! Slowly, but still... I am figuring it out.

Going to take things to storage today, I am going to see if they have a unit that I can get ~ never should have given up the side by sides. My mom did not keep her word, and is shuffling things around badly ~ I should have known that 'her space' and her 'need' for that space would take precedence. I was an total fucking idiot...

Actually, I'm to the point where everything can just go away ~ and it just might. I'm to much of a loser to get my own house... so I surely do not need any of it.

Someone out there can use it!

Off to face the day, I've got things to do, gas tanks to fill.

:P

holy zoomers batman, it is Sunday already!!!

I am still trying to figure out if Sunday should be the beginning of my week, or the end... it changes from week to week, and totally depends on the week that proceeds it ~

Intuitive of me, eh?

**sigh**

Live theater production is rolling, I am not sure that I am happy with this. I nearly didn't take the gig, as I was not sure I would have any fun ~ And thus far... I have fun when I am there, but!!!! It is pure hell in the time leading up to it... I dread going, and do not want to play anymore. I am quite sure that this is my clue that this will be my last summer helping out at the place.

I think if I understood more about what I am doing I would like it more ~ *shrug* ~ at this point, I don't care, I am just there to push the buttons, and make it all work.

t3k has a job, she began work today. She is only busing tables and keeping water glasses full ~ but hey...it is a place to start. She has never wanted to work up until now, so I am pleased that she has something. It will be interesting to see how she is doing when I pick her up later this afternoon. :)

And I DO have to pick her up. t2k left here in the truck yesterday morning, and I've not seen her since. I am quite sure that she is avoiding me... and this is actually a good thing. I am a bit past angry ~ I am in that calm spot that a person does when they have had enough of all the crap that someone else (or situation) has dished out, and they no longer care to much what the excuses, reasons, arguements, justifications, whys' and wherefores might be.

In other words, I have had it up to HERE (hand above the head thing) with all her "stuff"...

**sigh** apparently, I am trying to control her life, and she is making a statement...by avoiding me, and making sure that I know (through her sister) that SHE is capable of making her own choices... well, I suppose that is valid, but you know what?

She is driving MY car, and using MY gas, and eating MY food, and I am taking care of HER animals... I find it mildly irritating that it is okay to make said statement as long as she can use my resources to do so...

**sigh**

eyah... so! Her status as daughter has now changed, she has attained the status of tenant...I really doubt ~ no, I know for a fact ~ that she is not ready, nor capable of maintaining the status of tenant.

I wonder where she is going to live now?

**shrug** while I care, it really is not my problem any longer. She chose her way, and now... lets see if she can stay on the path.

Come on viggo, we've got to go put Budman out in the big field...

:*

Hump Day, one million and nine...

seems that this week is flying by too… **sigh**

it is the hormonal week here at our house ~ everything and everyone seems to follow the same moon cycle.

Even the ones on birth control. :P

No word on jobs yet, and I’ve applied for five in the past seven days. I do not have the gas money to run to the city today, in fact, I am out of money period. There isn’t any more to do anything with at all.

Time once again to apply for public assistance, eh? At least now I won’t feel guilty about it, as the girls are living with me again, ya know?

The second kid (t2k) is off to “work” for the day. I do not know how long it will last, as she is well on her way to borking the whole rafting gig.

For as long as I have known her, she has had control issues. The dad in our family turned out to be an ass, and through no fault of t2k’s own, he disappeared at a crucial place in her life. I tried, honestly, but I could not fill the void ~ and he was not allowed to try to see her to explain that it was not her fault and all that… (not that he would have bothered to try) But it left her with a need to control EVERYTHING.

So… the first week that she worked with the rafting company, she was fine.

The second week, the water was higher, and she was in a boat that dumped twice in one trip. Both times, she came up under the boat the first time ~ not an unusual occurrence.

She came home, was fine… or so I thought.

From there, things went downhill for her. She has become terrified of going down the river ~ not of water per se, but just rafting the river. She is soooo bad that she passed out from the fear last week, and had an ambulance ride to the ER to be sure she was okay.

She was a bit dehydrated, and hungry, but other than that? It was all in her mind, and she knows it.

**sigh**

now, I have NO idea what to do. I appreciate that she keeps trying, but there are times when one can not handle things on ones own…

At any rate, the owner may not let her back on the river, and I (for one) hope that he does not. She has to learn to control her fears within herself… and it ain’t gonna be easy, nor short, nor… anything. She can not ignore this control freak thing any longer.

**sigh** so…two screwed up now, neither beyond redemption, but out of my hands. Kind of frustrating.

All I can say to them now is good luck, and God speed.

Come on viggo, lets go make breakfast.

:*

CAn't wait for something to feel as though it is going right...

okay, I'm tossing it in... already had a turn down call today, though it WAS for a job I gave up on months ago. It felt like the woman was calling because they found my application in the bottom of a drawer some place and she felt guilty that I'd not even been considered and...

yeah.

so.

second on the poohy agenda is a horse matter... I had a line on a mare, one that is exactly what I am looking for, and *POOF* ~ my fields are gone. I don't even have much of a place to keep Bubba now...

that means that I need to very seriously consider selling him now. I don't want to, but I will.

**sigh**

yeah.

I wish I could feel like SOMETHING in my life is going right...

Saturrdayyyyy

Slept in just a bit this morning, it is nearly 9 of the a.m ~ it always take me at least half an hour to post, with all the interruptions ...

Happy Summer Solstice!!!

I wonder how I have gotten to the middle of this year, without knowing where the year has really gone?!

Been an eventful half year ~ for someone I am sure... :P

Today, I am going to do silly things, like... laundry, dishes, pot plants, start a second crop of flowers, and put up the "outdoor bedroom" ~ reminds me, I need to get my sleeping bag out of storage so I don't freeze to death tonight. I am not sure the tent is waterproof any longer, so I have to be sure to have a tarp handy in case it begins to rain ~ Can I redo the waterproofing on nylon? I am pretty sure that I can... hmmm....

My mother is going to see her younger sister this coming week, the house will be very quiet ~ Sadly, my mom is suffering from her usual malady of "gotta get it alll done before I go" which is really quite a foolish thing to do, as she leaves here exhausted, and always, ALWAYS has a lousy time traveling.

*shrug* I can not make this my problem, as she has jumped my ass about the stupidest things already this morning... I am avoiding her like I would the plagues.

Her being gone will help me out a lot, I will be able to finish up a lot of loose things. Due to circumstances beyond my control, I seldom have the time to finish what I start ~ it always ends up back in the boxes I got it out of... rather odd phenomenon actually...

Kitties have had their morning tear about, and are napping ~ I envy them actually. I must be off to do things now, and I don't want to... I want to hide until Monday night when mom is actually GONE.

**sigh**

yes, it will do her and I good to be away from one another, ya know?

come on viggo, I'm ready for breakfast now... are you buying??????

:*

day of rest

I seem to be getting a lot done these days, I am sleeping better at night too. I find it hard to keep going through the afternoons, but so far, I have slogged on through them.

Dealing with both girls being here is ... interesting. While they are both a bit more mature, every once in awhile there is a slip up and things go awry...

**sigh** to be expected I suppose.

so, today ~ I had myself a day of rest. I did accomplish things, like... two different cover letters, and a "Functional" resume... (more later on this) but I think I really really needed to be still ~

That, and the car had to go back to the city for a First Aid/CPR class. Gas is at 3 bucks a gallon here now, so I have curtailed my driving. I go to the barn, and that is pretty much it unless I have a job interview.

Speaking of which, I must get myself to the city, as I have (as I said) a cover letter for two potential employers.

I find it sad in that I do not really want to work for anyone else, I want to work for ME. I want to get myself in a place where I can do what I love, and make some pennies at it... enough for hay, vet, and some left over to pay the rents.

**sigh** BUT! I also have to get to a place where I CAN work for pennies. I've horses to pay off, and I know that I will never see a single copper cent in money for the storage unit I've kept for the extra stuff... so...

eyah. Off to get a job. I've laundry to finish too, my good jeans are in the machine ~ I have to buy laundry soap...

no, I don't think I will. One of the blogs I read regularly (HI Suzanne!) gave me a good idea ~ I am going to try to make my own laundry soap.

I have everything here to do it already ~ it is made from stuff I already use daily, so why buy?

**shrug** guess I am just slow that way, eh?

So... viggo? we've got to get it in gear. I've things to drop off, showers to take, babies to see... yes, we've a new gran babie!!!

now, don't get excited... he was born in the middle of a field up in the hinterlands...means, I've no human grandbabies yet.














no name , and this is when he was just hours old.

off to the day now...

:*

late

well...off to the day ~ its a weed :)

randomness

Seems all things happen in threes at my house ~ the good, the bad, the weird, the unexplainable, the ugly...

t2k is off on her rafting adventure, she is lovin' it so far. Today she is on the "main event" ~ means she is not doing the big rapids above town ~ because she didn't get herself on "the board" soon enough.

It is thundering a bit outdoors, I am home alone except for the dogs... I don't care for thunder when I am by myself ~ yes, yes, I am what one could call a "wuss" ~

**sigh** I wish I really had me a viggo, ya know?

Today also begins the theater season ~ there is a picnic scheduled this afternoon. I have never attended this particular picnic in all my years (9 now) with the company, so... why should I now? It would be the right thing to do, but ... I dunno if I want to go. Not only am I in a terrible bah-humbug mood today, I just do not want to go anyplace where social interaction may be required.

**shrug** yeah, I am in THAT bad of a mood.

so, I am now off the computer to work on a few things while I can lay them out without interuption. I sit and watch the telly while knitting lap robes/prayer shawls ~ it keeps my hands busy so I don't eat... and when my hands hurt, I read ~ a lot. I'm on a fourth-sixth grade level kick right now, including Fablehaven, Artemis Fowl, and Septimus Heap ~ :)

I am going to get myself a small point and shoot camera I think ~ the one my dad left me is hard to use ~ how is that for a random thought?

HMMMM?????

so viggo, I think it is time for a nap. **yawn**

eyp, definately.

:*

Happier than flies on cowpies....

Sometimes, in the midst of alll the stuff that happens to a person, life throws in a little sommat that makes the time and effort worth the while.

This weekend, my middle daughter (OCD one) is officiallly finished with High School. It has been a very long year...

But now, she is off and doing things that I never thought she would be able to do, she was always tied up in knots about so many things that were beyond her control...

so... again with the weekend here ~ she is going to be working for the river raft guide folks that I learned from many many many millions of years ago...

I'm so ... I dunno. I am proud of her, happy that she has a way in life now, that she is at the point where she will be living her life on the terms that she wants.

Two down, and one to go... kinda. We'll see what happens now, eh?

I so need a place, a job, and a life... where do I want to be now?

**sigh**

I oughta be smacked for letting myself get lost in my kids, ya know?

Come on viggo, we've some booties to order for a graduation gift. I think she wears size 8 in womens...

:*

Fourth

And so, it is the sixth month in the year two thousand and nine...

six months in, and I do not have work to speak of, and bills up the hiney. Okay, so I do have a job coming up, but the pay is lousy, and I signed the contract so that I had SOMETHING coming in for the summer.

**sigh**

Today, am forcing myself to sit down and build a real live resume ~ I don't have a lot to go on it, but what I have will do, right?

Right!

Can I put down things that involve taking care of children and their care? Is there any way that I can say "domestic goddess" and get away with it? Can I say "I need a job so badly I will sell everything except my soul" for it?

I'm so frustrated I feel like crying ~ it totally sucks to be so broke I can't pay for help, but not be in dire enough straits that I don't qualify for any help from any federal or state agencys.

*sigh*

Guess I will just plow on through, and hope for the best.

I hear there is a housekeeping job open downtown...would it be pretentious to have a resume for that???

erk.

On with it...

help?

anyone?

pleez?

**sigh**

June oneth, the year 2009 ~ and in 9 days, I will celebrate the day I first became a mom...

Can't believe my oldest daughter is going to be 26 years old in nine days.

That means I am now older than most dirt ~

**sigh**

Tonight I FEEL old. I didn't feel this way until I arrived home here to find that yet again, my mother had shoved things around... without regard to what was where, and who needed what to stay where it was, and which ever she ...

yeah... yet again, my mom has lived up to the reputation she has long cultivated, and decided that her things are more important than ours, and that she can just shove our stuff to the side, without regard to the consequences...worse still, she does not see the damage she causes, and even worse than that, she does not WANT to understand what she is doing ~ the irrepairable damage she does to relationships, and humans...

**sigh** to put it bluntly, I do not think that my mom gives a shit about anyone BUT herself.

SO! now I am faced with a dilemma ~ I feel that it would be a good thing to move ALL my stuff out again ~ after many months of trying to get stuff ready to sort out and sell, box and give away, and I've most of my craft things here at the house now ~ but I can't afford to pay her rent, and pay a storage for too. SO!

do I pay a storage (I'm thinking that I should) or do I pay rent to someone that ... **sigh**

My mom just took three months worth of work and jumbled it all back into what amounts to one big pile. Broken parts, lost parts, pieces of things everywhere... my sewing machine bobbins are now all in a ziploc bag, most of them are unraveled and the thread on them useless... means I have to remove what is left, and start over.

What a waste of my time, not to mention my resources...

Sadly, I am not surprised.

I am just sad, and at this very moment, angry with myself for believing (yet again) that she would follow through with her promise to leave everything alone until I had it settled.

guess I am the stupid one here, eh?

**sigh** yeah. I'm dumb.

so, with that cheerful thought, I am going to bed so that I can begin the process of getting another storage, and getting myself moved back out completely from this hell hole, keeping only my bed, and my dresser for my clothes here ~ Though I've not signed my contract with the theater yet, so maybe it is time to simply leave...

I'm going to bed now.

night viggo, I'll see you in the morning.

:*