31 July 2009

Odder Still

It is now afternoon ~ I did go back to sleep... for quite awhile actually.

I guess acknowledging that I have this "feeling" allowed me to relax enough to sleep ~ I got up at eleven ~ just in time to say good bye to T3k. She gets to use the car today, I have to run to Wenatchee for some hay, the tonnage will not arrive for a few more days ~ I use the Ford for that.

I still can not place the feeling I am having. It is not clear enough yet for me to figure out what it might be...

**sigh**

Hopefully, someone or something will trigger an epiphany...

Oddly enough, I find that I am not really in any hurry to find out what this might be...

Perhaps... I've hit an equilibrium point?

Now that would be Odder Still.

Odd...

it is five thirty in the morning, and I am already up and out of bed…my brain turned on this morning when I woke up to a cat sniffing my face ~ I didn’t make the same mistake as last time though. I didn’t bother to find out who it was, I just…

**sigh**

I dunno about my cats. The Little One has been very good for the Old One…but still. SOME dignity should remain when you are nearly 9 years old, right?

Old Cat is lying on her back on my bed, (which is off to the right as I face my computer here) Belly up, and her head is tipped back so she is looking at me. Totally relaxed, her middle age spread is… well… spread out all over the place.

I wonder how I look to her ~ what I look like upside down? She is just staring steadily at me, blinking once in a while…

Most likely doing the “If I squint my eyes just so, the human looks like she is going to get up and feed me…”

Her comfort won’t last, because Little Cat is beginning to wind up. When I pushed my quilt back this morning, it formed this cavern ~ a dark spot in the middle of the bed.

Little One is currently diving (literally) in and out of it.

First cars on the road this morning, interrupting my peace…I feel resentful about it ~ I suppose that the rest of the world did not get my memo about staying home for the day.

:P

I’m not sure what I am feeling today, I do not know what woke me up ~ I feel as though … eyah.

Whatever is going on here is eluding me ~ guess it is time to crawl back in bed for a bit of a cat nap to see if that helps, eh?

**sigh**

yeah, that is a good idea.

Scootch over viggo, I’m coming to bed…for now.

28 July 2009

Tuezday

taking a few moments here before I venture out into the heat to take care of the horses ~ they are in the small pasture still, there is shade and plenty of water ~ though they are eating a bale of hay each day now for the three of them... I am not allowed to use the big pasture, which is a royal pain in the ass ~ with that in mind, as soon as I possibly can, I am going to move Bud and be done with all the drama and shit that goes with the people that own the barn

I feel no better today, I just ate a bowl of cereal, and feel as though it is going to come back up. Means my system is worse off than I thought, and I am more upset than I thought ~ I guess I should have cried myself to sleep last night like I'd originally planned...

**sigh**

**shrug**

not much to be done about it, so... yeah.

98F for the hourly official temp, with about 30% humidity ~ ugh. It feels much worse for me in humidity over 20%.

With that in mind, I'd better get my backside over to the horses ~ so I can cool off in the sprinklers or something before I go to work tonight.

Viggo? In our new house, I would like to have A/C okay?

thanks love.

:*

27 July 2009

cranky

well, for one thing, it is really hot here right now, and I do not do well in the heat. It makes me cranky...

**sigh**

I hurt everywhere again, it is the usual problem I have when the stupid flare ups happen... I'm fine when I'm busy, but if I am too busy I get 0verly tired, and then everything is so much worse ~ I feel out of control, I want to yell scream and maim myself...

dammit.

I feel like ranting about the unfairness of life, about my life being forever altered by something I have no control over, by something I did not do anything to deserve...

so where the fuck is the sense in doing that?

there isn't any. not a lick of it. I can't change it. I can't even control it... I'm at the whim and mercy of tide of crap that doesn't follow any cycle ~ at least not a regular one.

Life sucks, you cry, and you move on.

I have a hard time because I feel better for awhile, and about the time I forget that I am "sick" I get slapped, and slapped HARD. I fall down, and I can't get up ~

**sigh**

yeah, I'm whining again.

sorry.

so...

Life sucked today, and now I am going to cry... and after I get some sleep, I'll move on.

~:-(

mondays suck

Everyone is gone but me today... they work the daylight, I work the night...

LOL! now there is a loaded comment, eh?

**sigh**

I often do not know what to do with my girls, they are both doing just fine with most things... they are mostly level headed and do the "right" things...

So... here I am thinking about leaving Der Towne, thereby basically leaving all that I have tried to begin to build for myself here ~

Which, in all honesty is not very much. I have not bothered to even try in the recent years to get out and be ... well... yeah. I can not be myself, people don't seem to know what to do with me.

Hell, I seldom know what to do with myself. I'm all bottled up ~ Most of the time that doesn't bother me, but I have noticed recently that I feel like blowing up at the oddest times. (can't be good, right?)

**sigh** If I base a decision purely on the romantic front, there isn't anyone worth my time around here... all I get is the drunks and those that want to exchange dinner for a quick bit of sex ~ though after my latest relationship fiasco, I won't ever bother even thinking about the whole marriage thing EVER. Gimmee a sugar daddy, and I could be very happy, ya know?

**sigh** yeah, I'm afraid bitterness abounds with that last bit... sorry about that.

**Mogsie goes to her happy place**

okay, all better now.

:p

I suppose that I should quit my damned whining and get on with the day... I have a lot to do, and don't know if I feel like doing ANY of it.

**sigh**

25 July 2009

Saturday morning still...

I am just now moving, I slept all night, and well into the morning ~ it is becoming a regular occurrence for me actually. Nothing suffered to much because of my sleep over, but hey... I feel better.

Though I do seem to have a kink in the left side of my neck..dammit.

Someone else made the coffee this morning (YAY) It isn't to very bad either. I appreciate it, whomever you are. :*

I've a long day today, the third show opens on Wednesday, and "tech week" begins at 12:30 this afternoon. I won't have anything to do until tomorrow, but the more I see a show, the easier it is for me to get my timing right. I get to hear the orchestra with the cast for the first time today, I'm not sure... and I am to lazy to go get the sheet that tells the order of the day...

Guess I'd better get my butt in gear, and get some food in my tummy. I'm hankering for crepes this morning... the girls will love that.

All of us work all day today ~ t2 is on the river until 6, t3 is on until 6, and I am going until at least 11 tonight...

Not quite sure why I do this to myself... low pay, crappy hours... good friends, and bloopers to remember and tell...

:P

My poor critters. I see them long enough to throw food at them, and a scratch on the neck, and am off again...

They aren't missing me to badly yet, no one is climbing up on the bed to sleep with me at night.

**yaawn** off to finish the coffee, and make food.

See you after work tonight viggo ~

:*

23 July 2009

So many things, and nothing to write about...

Or maybe a more appropriate thing would be to say that I haven’t the gumption to write…

And I truly do not. To many things, to much stuff, to hard to put to words… I live by my emotions these days it seems, and they have me frazzled to the very core of my person.

Lets see….

**SPOINK**

ooops. Gasket blew… guess I had better just set it all down to words instead of thinking.

I’m working hard for the theater, I do not like the job any longer though. It has become a ghastly chore that I must do to earn the pittance they pay me.

That said, I still do my best, and try to keep out of the politics and alll the crap that goes on. Honestly, I thought I could handle it, but last evening I could tell I was slipping ~ the control is slipping away, and I am concerned that I will blow up at the next whiner that comes along…

I still have my horse, I can not bear to part with him. Every once in awhile, one connects on the most basic level with something, and it becomes a vital part of who you are… such it is with Budman. I will sell the car if I have to, and live in the barn with him if I must…

I still can’t find a real job, and I have come to the point where I do not look any longer. I do not want to live here, in my moms place any more… I can not handle it. I MUST LEAVE to stay sane…

I have applied to a few schools, two of them came back positive ~ IF I can only get some money to go now. They are both away from here, and… yeah. I do not hope for either right now, I do not want to be disappointed when I can’t get it together.

Have returned, after nearly 9 years, to the childrens book. Someone had “Clyde” sitting about, and wants to see more of it…

Again, I can not bring myself to hope.

**sigh**

The girls are in the Hinterlands, I told them to come straight home…and did they? No. They went out of their way to visit t1k and her hubby, and probably t3k’s boyfriend…they must stop in Wenatchee to help their other Grandma with an A/C unit ~ if they forget, I will come unglued on their little stupid backsides…

**yawn**

EVERY time I’ve tried to nap today, someone has called, or knocked on my door or…

dammit. Gonna be a very long night.

If the people I was watching were at all good, it would be so bad, but… BUT!!!

yeah. Amateur theater. **sigh**

off to the funny farm.

**poke** Come on viggo, lets go see Bubba.

:*

21 July 2009

the morning

though I see by the clock on the computer, it is no longer truly morning ~ I've been up for a fair bit, and catching up on all the correspondence and work and...

I am sooo full of shite. I have done nothing but play on FB since I got on this thing, and though I really have read my emails, I have yet to answer any.

Of course, it is hard to answer someone that tells me how to enlarge my male organs, especially since that department is not mine...and even harder when I send said email to myself! I don't know how they do it, but somehow, the mass mailers of all products sexually enhancing seem to be using my own email to send ~ makes me insane actually. I thought for awhile that someone had hacked my email, but it has slowed down now ~ no one has let me know if/when they get shit from these people any longer, but I have changed all the passwords, and done what I can there.

:D

**shrug** ah well ~ at least I can say I get email this way. If I go on the amount of junk mail I get, I would say I am THE most popular person on the planet...

work tonight is the sound, at the hottest venue we have. I do not do well in the heat, so I will again drive up, and then drive the car back down when I am finished with the sound checks ~ then I will ride the bus back up the hill for the actual show ~

I dunno, I'll work something out, I just know that I can not walk up the hill to the venue and survive in this heat.

Went to see HP6 last night, it was only theater types in the theater ~ it amounted to a "private" showing for us. (one of the cast is related to the owner, and we basically rented the theater) It was fun, I appreciate the group we have this year more and more. They are all... weird like me! ;)

Though, I am not to sure I liked the movie. I mean... it was okay, but it appears to me to be a bridge to the last episodes of the HP movie dynasty ~ which isn't bad, but in two and a half hours, one would think that there would be more of the book in the movie... THIS movie. It seemed to cover only the relationships, and those just barely.

I don't think I will watch it on the screen again, though I will buy it because I have the rest of them, and don't want to break up the series... :)

t2k had a slap in the face yesterday, it appears that she was being a bit to... friendly...for the lady that runs the rafting company she worked with. It hurt her pretty bad, considering that she only actually "slept" with one guy, and she figured that they were serious (him and her) ~ turns out the rumour mill said she slept with everyone, and the lady (runs the company) tossed her out on the the "fact" that "she knew for a fact that t2k was having sex with EVERY ONE OF THE GUIDES"

**sigh** hard lesson learnt (I hope) . She has a back up plan, and is already employed with another company, but it hurt her feelings pretty badly that the guy she liked (and now dumped) was telling stories. **shrug**

It isn't that I did not see it coming, and there not a thing I can do now, ya know? Totally was one of those things that she had to learn on her own.

it is one in the afternoon already...wow. Guess getting up at 11:00 a.m makes the daylight hours feel like they are flying past.

I'm off to hang the gate, and hope it stays up. I have decided that I no longer owe anyone anything, and if they can bailing twine the fences together, so can I.

**yawn** maybe I will just take a nap instead...

~:-)

20 July 2009

hey

It is nearly 11:00 a.m as I begin to type this, and I have (yet again) no motivation to do a damn thing this morning.

Oh, I have lots to do, just no urgency to do anything... at all. This is one of those days where I am happy to not be working a full time job ~

Finished up the last "fill in" job I was doing ~ now I am down to just the theater work. I hope to keep it this way while we open the next (and last) show for the summer ~ a 40 hour week, on top of the theater gig, the animals, my moms stuff, my other mother, the kids and all their angst would probably be more than I could handle.

No, not probably... it would be. Of course, I would not turn down work if it does come up, but **crosses fingers** I hope that my bad luck with real world work holds, and I don't have to think about it until after August first.

The list today is simple ~

Laundry ~ seen through to the end of the cycle, and not left sitting in the basket.

Cleaning the house ~ nah... I ain't EVEN going to attempt that, as it does no good right now. Four active people in the place, with an average of three dogs, four cats, and the regular expotitions (winnie the pooh) to various places with said animals... scratch clean the house.

Fence ~ have to measure for replacement/repair. I'm moving Bubba, so... not sure if I will do this or not. To keep with the nature of the place, I am thinking that I will go with baling twine repair instead...

Groceries ~ we've only been home for breakfast these days, so the list will be light ~ though expensive because it is basically all fresh stuff. I will be hitting the fruit stands today too, there should be some really good fruit coming on.

okay... that is enough.

Going to see Harry Potter 6 today tonight~as it is my only night off for the next 13, I may as well fill it with something theatrical, eh?

M'kay viggo, we must be on with the day... would you go tie the gate together while I do the laundry???

thanks dearest ~ heh...

:*

19 July 2009

m'kay....

Suddenly it appears to be Sunday afternoon...

**yawn**

after a week of insomnia type symptoms, I came home last night, had my breakfast, and lay down, fully clothed on my bed...

The lights went out, and nary a dream was heard. AND!!!

From the way I ache this morning, I don't think I moved very much either...

**stray-eeeeeetch**

Had a minor emergency upon awakening though, the drip coffee maker was OUT OF COFFEE...the thing can NOT seem to keep up with it self, it has a terrible memory and when ever it is at the grocery store, it forgets to buy the stuff it eats...

okay, that is kinda "ew"... if I'd kept going, I'da been drinkin coffee maker pee...

**sigh** yeah, I know, I know... EW...

Tonight is tech/cue to cue/run through night for Pirates of Penzance ~

I was given a copy of the score, (bless you maren!) to read off, and it makes it a WHOLE lot easier... the thing is a musical for pities sake...

I wonder how my sound guy is going to do ~ I din't think that there was anyone that was more easily frustrated with things than me... but here we are, with someone that has a flatter learning curve than I do...

Wait... is flatter slower? or is steeper slower?

**shrug** ah well... which ever it is, he is more easily frustrated than me. I honestly do not think that he is going to be able to manage it ~ not the way that our sound man wants him to do at least. Okay... the way I think our sound man is going to want him to manage it... :) which, pretty much amounts to the way I think it should be done ~

Oddly enough, once I figured out the sound board ~ which I did not think I would be able to do ~ I now hear alllll the things that could sound better. Voices, timing, musical notes, pitch... everything. Things I didn't pay very much attention to before ~ and all of the sudden, I relate to our sound man on a completely different level... I find myself wanting to reach over and turn mic's down when the sound board op forgets, and push them up when he doesn't get the levels right in the first place... erk.

**slaps self on hands** NOT a good thing mogsie, NOT a good thing... **sigh**

My Old Cat is sitting here, chillin' out... whilst Little Cat has the freakin' rips, and is tearing about like she's got a fire under her butt...

I may have to cage L.C to get my nap.

Which I might add, me an viggo are going to take right now.

**yawn**

:*

18 July 2009

Saturday, the 18th of July, the year 2009

this year is soooo...Half OVER.

I am so very tired. So very, very tired. Spent half the day doing nothing, the other being so busy and on the go that I feel like sleeping from now until Thanksgiving!

Show went fine last night, I THINK I got most of the videos right. It was good to find out that I was not totally at fault, the DVD is all screwed up, making the timing pretty bad. Our stage manager figured it out for me, as I was a bit late...

I dipped in the horse trough I was so late... luckily, I cleaned the thing out once this week already!!!

My girls are every whicha way right now. t1k and her hubby finally got their papers for the foreclosure, it is officially official. **sigh** I have hope that they are young enough to begin again, and make things better this time, ya know? The process now is to begin to sell the horses away, then the other animals ~ the pigs are farrowing now, so that will be a bit of money before the end of the 90 days.

**sigh**

t2k is working ...for real now. She went to another rafting company, and they took her on ~ gladly it seems. I am hoping that she will be getting paid now, the gas money is killing me!!!

t3k got her first pay check...

and I was, yet again, politely told I am not being hired...

**sigh**

I feel so old, and so... worthless.

**sigh**

I've got to run take care of the horses, and then I have a run through for the third show this afternoon ~ then sound board tonight, and TOMORROW I DO NOT WORK!!!

Of course, I have to do all the things I haven't gotten done up 'til now too, so... eyah. Some day off. :p

erg. I hope thid heat wave goes away soon, it is going to kill me.

I think I am going to go sit in the horse trough now, before I have to sit in a hot building for two hours ~ heh... eyp! The horses always think I am insane when I do it though, they stand and stare at me like "WHY would someone get IN the water on PURPOSE???"

~ :)

off to the afternoon, and I already need more coffee...

16 July 2009

er... Thursday Morning Post...!

According to all things prediction-able, it going to be very hot the next two days here in the PNW. 100+ F

**sigh** I do not do well in the heat, one of the things that is malfunctioning is my ability to cool myself off, I do not sweat as I should. Last week in the heat I threw up my dinner ~

Ever thrown up in a porta potty? I totally, without reservation, recommend NOT doing so. Go find a nice convenient bush somewhere and... yeah. Seriously. Someones shoes, their car tire...whatever. Porta potty smell makes it oh so very much worse ~ once you start, it is hard to stop... Bleah :p

Did the my opening night for the second show ~ it went well. There is this video thing that I am supposed to run during the show... It is no trouble, I just do not quite have the timing right. If I add a light cue, and a line cue from someone on stage into the mix, then it becomes even more problematic to achieve the timing... AND we have to raise and lower a "flap" to avoid the little go arrow/pause sign dealies... yeah.. timing is huge in all of this.

Now, I know how to do it, I just...er... didn't try too hard. While somewhere, deep within me I know that this is wrong, I can not bring myself to be contrite about it ~ at ALL.

Such an attitude, eh? I will do it properly ~ as long as I am allowed to just DO it, and not be pressured. Set me loose on the problem, and let me be. I'll get it done. :)

Except in my own life that is... **sigh**

Both my girls are home today, they are on the PS2 ~ odd to hear them playing together again, it is like old times. They really do like one another, they just can not stand being around each other?

**shrug** I watch, and hold my tongue.

I've been awake for all of two hours now. As per bodily functions there is only one reason I got out of bed before noon today ~ that and the cats insisted that they needed feeding. Not sure why they would want to eat? Old Cat could be used as an anchor for a crab boat, and Little Cat could be the engine... serious energy from that girl. She gets her baby makin' parts yanked the first of next month ~ the only thing I am scheduling with my first pay check of the 2009 theater season. :)

Fading fast, it is time for a nap. I have to run across and feed the horses, I am having an issue with the folks that water the big field. THEY have extra pasture for their horses (four of them) we do not... but they want me to keep Bubba and Angel off the big pasture for TWO WEEKS...

this is not really possible, but until I talk to my barn land lady, I am going to go with it.

Not much else I can do.

**yawn**

Hey viggo, would you please run across and feed the ponies?

I'm going back to bed.

:*

15 July 2009

Listening to the radio, being... what? Depressed isn't exactly the word, but I am not feeling up to much right now. I have to go to "work" tonight, and for the first time in a VERY long time, I do not want to go ~

I mean... my boss means the world to me, and I will do nothing to let him down, but... the air of the show is just awful.

I don't know how to make it better either. I can't change the basic problem that causes this "air" though I would do anything in my power to do so...

**sigh**

I shall go and do what I can to counteract the badness... I don't know how though, I just don't know.

I wish I had a knight in shining armor to come rescue me... I am so tired, and so ... tired.

**sigh**

viggo, PLEASE come get me???

:*

14 July 2009

Hugs by the ton

I don't have any nights off until this coming Monday... then we begin the final push for last show...

Man, I hope I make it.

Had a wonderful call (please read with all the sarcasm intended) ... T1k has let me know that they are going into foreclosure on their land/house. They are lucky that they stayed this long I guess ~

**sigh** I do not know what they are going to do ~ and while it really isn't my problem, I am not going to stop worrying, ya know? My biggest worry is T3k... she was so set on going back to Mansfield for the school year.

Unless a miracle happens, this will not be coming about. Dammit.

Work last night left me in a bitchy mood. **sigh** Being an empath type person sucks, and I feel more connection to some people than others ~ which is fine, but when I am in a situation where everyone hates the situation as much as I do, sometimes it gets overwhelming... everything gets magnified for me ~ and sometimes, I feel as though I am losing it.

And dislike the situation we are in - I do. I mean seriously. What is wrong with saying "good job" when folks are trying their hardest? Would it kill you to boost them up a bit?

I find myself wondering if I am treated "oddly" due to my personal connections within the show...

hmmm... this just occurred to me ~ makes me think even LESS of certain people, ya know? Judge on a persons merits, NOT on their associations with people...

**shrug** Ah well...

At any rate, last night I made a swift right turn (away from home) and went to see my Budman. I probably gave my landladys' caretaker a heart attack because I was at the barn so late, but I don't care a whole lot. Bud was waiting at the fence when I pulled up, curious ~ I could tell by the greeting nicker. We communed for a bit, and I did something totally dangerous... I got up and laid out on his back, in the dark without anyone knowing I was there. Was a first for him, and he managed just fine. :)

I love my horse ~he is fast becoming the fine line that keeps me from feeling completely pissed off at the world, and angry all the time at the way things go ~

My hugs by the ton.

Come on Viggo, we've a gate to repair...

What? you want to go out to breakfast first?

I can do that...Eggs Benedict?

:*

11 July 2009

odd ball

m'kay... today I feel the odd man out ~ I'm sleepy, but wide awake, grumpy, but not cranky...yet.

I let the girls go camping with their friends last night, and t3k managed to screw that up too. t2k came down for work, and t3 did not come down with her... so she has to have a ride down from someone else...SO!

I am off to make sure bubba and angel are doing fine, switch some sprinklers, and contemplate the grounding of my third child...

She is in SOOOO much doo doo... she just pretty much screwed up any chance she had of returning to Mansfield school district.

**sigh** if she loses her job, there is going to be BIGGER hell to pay.

off to the ponies.

:*

09 July 2009

New Post

HA! I can tell that I use the keyboard more than my girls do ~ the chair is always pushed all the way in when I sit down to use the computer. I have to pull the chair back a ways to get the keyboard out.

Day 2 of light board duty went okay... I didn't do anything at all... **sigh** I KNOW this is boring, I have done this for MANY years.

Still, it bugs me to just sit around so much, and listen to the director types yell at people ~

I like the guy that I am working with ~ he is doing the sound board, and it sounds (get it??? SOUNDS??? Heh...) like he actually may know what he is doing, way more than I do. I am happy that he is there, now... if he can only do the mic's in and out like he is supposed to. I am quite sure that he is better than me! :) We share a common interest in writing, books, screen plays, theater... I think we shall have to work very hard at not talking to much!

My only real thought on this production of SITR is that it is trying to be to much like the movie, I think it would have been better if they could have made it an actual PLAY. That has everything to do with the directors...we shall wait and see how it works.

I have decided that I am going to wait to see what will happen in the month of July ~ I figure I have until the first of August to make any kind of actual decisions on my life ~ I do feel that I need to do for t3k what I did for Ts' one and two... stay where I am for them to finish schools. Makes me insane when they say "but I didn't want you too" when that is THE furthest thing from the truth... **shrug** I don't worry to much about it any longer, they are on their own.

There is a trip to the city in the morning for hay ~ though I do really need to do that now ~ today, if only because of logistics with the busy weekend schedules. But the house is empty, I'm alone in the silence... I don't WANNA go any place. I think I shall run across and feed the horses, and besides... I've enough hay to last until Monday.

SO!...Whats for lunch there Viggo?

What? you are taking me OUT to lunch?

No wonder I love you...

:*

08 July 2009

HUMP day...

OI! I am soooo tired.

Not physically tired really, at least not any worse than normal. I am tired in my brain, my center of being, that little dudette that makes me stay sane when all other about me are not…

Staying sane can be pretty difficult, ya know?

the theater goes apace. I began my next 13 nights (12 left) straight last evening, and it was totally boring for me to a large extent. Once things kind of got rolling on the second run through, it was better, but by then I just wanted to go home. I like what I am doing, though in the next show up, I do the lights…. should be interesting, but in a VERY dull way. Now that I have done the microphones on one show, I am fearful of the boredom that may set in…

**shrug** I am so easily bored these days, I scare myself.

Today I begin in earnest to find a new place to put my Budman. I am tired of the politics required to care for him where he is. The owner of the field is senile, the Land Lady (daughter of owner) tells me one thing, tells the other residents of the neighborhood other things, and the other residents (as far as I can tell) feel that they have first dibs on the good stuff, and they can make decisions without asking what is good for me and the horses that are in my care…

SO! **shrug** (again) Budman and I are moving on, the sooner, the better. I’ll give until the end of July… and that is it. By then I will know if I am keeping Bud or not. I most likely will ~ I hate giving up my baby.

though he IS terribly expensive to feed.

My girls are up to many things these days, t1k and SIL are talking about moving to WV. He has applied to a small company out there, and I (for one) am hoping that this works out for them. They need to be away from here ~ I shall miss them, but hey…if it will help them, it needs to happen.

t2k is “working” for a rafting company ~ I used to think that this company was fairly reputable…Not thinking that so much anymore. They are SOOOO using the kid, and it is beginning to piss me off. They are in a “win win” situation with her, free labor, lots of extra people coming in to ride “her” boats… the boats that she does NOT get to guide, even if she tries…

t3k is moping about. She went on the river yesterday with t2, and is exhausted still ~ she was sent home from work early on Sunday, then asked not to come in on Monday because the tourist business is so slow… poor thing. She was hoping to make enough money to buy a car this summer. So far she has made about $200.00.

All this leads up to one thing.

Yet again, I feel caught in the middle. I had figured out what I want to do, though nothing is ever cast in stone for me, it was a good thought, and a good way to go…now? I suffer from “not so sure” again. I’ve only the one kid that I have to worry about, but… still. Her sisters were allowed to do what they needed to make it through their teens, why shouldn’t she????

**sigh** I’ve reached, yet again, the ‘damned if I do, damned if I don’t” stage…

Dammit!

**Sigh**

Come on viggo, you are taking me to lunch.

07 July 2009

I really need to get my backside in gear...

I was going to the city today, but got up feeling lousy, so it can wait until later... I can always go this afternoon, ya know? t2k is taking a boat out as guide for the first time, and t3 is going along for the ride, so...

I may not have any children at the end of the day. ;)

I'm coming down with some kind of chest/throat thing, I am sure it is something from the crowd I work with. I've had trouble with asthma for the last two years, and the heat makes it worse ~ but it is not hot today, not sure why I am so wheezy.

Once again, I find myself at a point where I am not sure of what to do ~ should say ~ what I want to do. I just get to the point of a decision, and things happen that don't make sense, or it is stuff that I feel that I have to balance into whatever equation that I am working with.

Part of that is the youngest child. She has a school where she is happy, and I THINK she has friends there, but there is NOTHING for me to do up there ~ I am not doing anything down here either, so...

**shrug** Therein lies the rub. I don't know that I want to (or if I am even willing) to do nothing for two more years. I can work, but up on the plateau, there isn't anything for me to do...

**sigh**

Tonight begins a 13 day straight run to the opening of the next shows. There are three for the summer, and only one is going ~ The techs week for the next two shows kind of run together, so... yeah. I am going to have to be VERY careful and not get to tired, stressed or anything else...

It's a good plan, but I do not have much faith in it ~ I am always stressed out by SOMETHING.

I must needs be off for the day, I have to get things paid, cash a check by the ex for food, and...other things that I didn't write down.

Come on Viggo, lets go see the horses...

04 July 2009