Happy Halloween!!

so, what exactly is my problem?

I am quite sure that I have no clear idea.

my back hurts, my head hurts, all my joints hurt, it hurts to touch my skin to ANYTHING... and this all because I was stupid and went to see t3ks' volleyball game.

**sigh**

ah well, so it goes, eh?

other than that, my psyche takes a beating nearly every day when I get "turned down" yet again for a job...I am just not what people want.

one, I am to old.
two, I don't have enough work experience in the job applied for.
three, I do not have any steady work experience, as my daughters always came first... (I am sad that no one seems to give a shit about that part, all they see are the "gaps")

four?

I don't think I made a four today, I'm to tired. With the weather change, my headache won't subside, so I take more ibuprofen, which makes my stomach worse, which makes me sicker and makes...

OH WHATEVER.

I am SOOOO TIRED OF ALL OF THIS SICKNESS CRAP.

**sigh**

yeah.

:P

waiting...

for what, I do not know.

I'm tired, and need some sleep, but responsibility kicks in with a pretty good punch every time I try to rest.

**sigh**

how am I going to work feeling like this? All it took was driving to a volleyball game, and I am sick, and it will take WEEKS for me to get over it.

Fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue stinks so bad...

**sigh**

another blessing of being an only parent for 16 years ~ he gets the girls when they are interesting, I get to be sick.

ah well.

to damn early to be awake

up with the cows this morning, and I do not even HAVE cows...

woke up at 3, I seem to be doing that a lot lately. Sometimes, I just get to thinking, and then that is it for sleep ~ Couldn't turn the mind off this morning, so here I am.

**sigh**

the main thing going on in my head is self doubt. Nothing like having your whole world change suddenly to trigger such a thing. The abrupt change from having all the responsiblity to being totally alone and being told I am stupid, seeing others having the happiness that I had, the joy I felt at doing and going and being with my girls... it is all just GONE...and I feel... like shit. I feel used, I feel like no one cares, I feel like the world just shit a big load on me, and I have no way out from under it. It is like no one cares either ~

Guess that is what I get for expecting the best ~ I always do that to me, I think everything will work out, that it is all for the good...

FUCK THAT. Life hates me, and I am beginning to hate life.

**sigh**

yes, really.

I hate the feeling that I have no one to talk to, no one to listen, no one to give a shit about ME.

**shrug**

ah well. caring about it wont' change a thing, so why should I care?

yeah.

anyone want to buy a horse?

not yet

October is nearly over, and I am not yet employed. I have to admit that my trying is pretty half hearted, I just want "anything" and not any one thing, which I do realize is totally backward. I am not going to be able to settle for "anything" and have to be specific and DO something.

**sigh** ah well. At least I am able to be specific now without the girls living here with me.

My Ma nearly made me insane today, she got into the "normal" mode and moved everything around and about, without regard to the fact that I live here too. She does this, and then wonders why I do not sit with her downstairs ~ um... DUH??!!??

Um... HELLO? **does the knock on forehead thing** I can not keep my handwork any place handy down there, I have to carry it up and down the stairs. I can not leave my dog toys and things down there, I have to carry them up and down the stairs. I can not have my dogs on the rug, because they shed, (sorry, not to good at levitating things any more) and you don't like how I vacuum...

I can not eat while sitting on the couch, because you have to have the telly at decibels that deafen my ears worse than they already are. Oh, and you have covered the tray tables with extraneous crap, so I have to set my food in my lap, which always ends in you being mad at me because I have dropped something on my jeans...

Which brings me to the point where I must ask... as you don't like anything I do, why should I want sit with you at all?? Talk to you? Take the time to say hello, and ask about your day? Why, why, why??

Do you not understand that this is merely a small stopping place in my life to sort and toss, and figure out where it is I want to go from here? That I will not be here forever? That you are driving me away on a daily basis with your uncaring actions?

**sigh** of course you don't. No one exists in this world except you. you and only you have feelings, and needs and whatever else crap that the psycho analyzer types say there is...

**shrug** ah well. So it goes. My mom is pretty clueless, and she will end up alone. I was the only one that could stand her, but that is rapidly coming to an end.

I am nearly fed up.. but not yet. I have a few things to get done, THEN I am gone.

:) I can do this... it isn't time to go... not yet.

half gone

**sigh**

what a way to begin the week, feeling like everything is half gone instead of half left.

I, for whatever reason, can not help the fact that my mom is what she is, and I find her irritating to the extreme of extremes. I walk a fine line between not doing anything for her, and doing to much.

It is odd, it is not that I mind doing the things that needs be, it is more that I hate doing them... though I know that this does not make much sense.

If I do something, I do it her way, because that is one way to avoid arguements. BUT!!! No matter what I do, everything is wrong, and so therefore needs to be redone...either by her, or with her "supervision" (read: interference) which makes everything take twice as long ~ not only because it is generally the second time through, but she has to hash each and everything out, either vocally or by "SHOWING" me ... which makes her mad because "she" could have done it quicker without me.

so... all I can say is "WTF" is up with all that, shrug my shoulders and find other things to do... especially when I know she has projects planned for the day.

I have pretty much stopped putting myself down for blowing her off like this ~ it is far worse to feel like shit because she is actually putting me down AFTER I've worked hard at doing something, than it is to feel bad momentarily that she is out side lifting this and that and taking care of her OWN house and yard.

Which by the way, is all she has to do now, so... eyah.

**shrug**

I now doubt the wisdom of staying put until I can finish sorting through 26 years of family ... whats the word... detritus? I may go insane before I can finish with it all.

Pretty much looks like it is my mom, eh? What is MY PROBLEM with HER??

Guess I ought to figure it out, and soon. What do I do differently? what can I change within me so that her apparent judgment of me and my abilities do not bother me? Do I even do anything differently? Except put on the "I do not care" and let her flounder within her own stuff and life??

That would make the most sense. Financially, I am stuck for a bit, so...

yeah, I gots to do something.

**Sigh**

what's today again??

Lets see... yesterday was Sunday, because I went to church, though sometimes I go on Wednesdays, so that is not a particularly good way to know what today is...

I'm guessing today is the day after yesterday, and the day before tomorrow.

:)

I have been insanely busy the last three days. The kitty I rescued got to come home with me on Friday, but she has to be kept separate from the Old Cat until the 7th of November ~ that is a week from this coming Friday ~ I do not think that I can stand this, as I am in here doing my "stuff" most of the time, and the little kitty is in my moms room in the big kennel ~ I will be lucky to make ten days, let alone TWO weeks!! I want my baby in here with us...At any rate, keeping up with both cats, both dogs, and the horse is a bit much, add my mom in there, and the girls, and... yeah.

**sigh**

Loneliness has set in again tonight ~ I have no one to talk to, no one to snuggle up to, nothing...

I think I'm going to have my tea and go to bed.

Sadly, I do not have any cookies made. Tea is just not the same without a frozen chocolate chip cookie, ya know?

:*

Last Weeklies

I have discovered something, perhaps an… oddity of sorts.

Yes, in the hustle and bustle of my life ~ while taking care of dogs, cats, guinea pigs, gerbils, children, cars, mail, food, laundry, self, and viggo ~ I discovered that the list of “things” I wanted to accomplish is HUGE.

Like I wanted:

To finish a painting that I began eons ago (at least a month) and never got back to.
To finish a quilt top that my grandmother started when I was a baby.
To put up the last of the tomatoes from the garden before I lost them to the first killing frost.
To divide the herb plants so my sister has some for her kitchen window for the winter.
To rake the leaves as they fell instead of trying to move three trees worth of compost.
To get Budman his bath before it got to cold to do so.
To remember to order flowers for my other mothers birthday.
To put a second coat of paint on the shed before it got cold.
To move the rose bushes.
To put away the lawn furniture before it got cold.
To sort and categorize the girls things from kindergarten through now…so they would not have to do it when they are my age.
To sell off or (better yet) give away all the crap I do not need any longer, freeing up storage space and my life…

There is a lot more to the list, but you kind of get the idea, right?

Welcome to my “last weeklies” ~ everything I wanted to get done “last week”

The list is long, varied and I have no earthly idea why I would even HAVE such a list.

I think it is most likely because I let life get in the way of what I was doing, or wanted to do at any given moment in time ~ though in my own defense, there were times when it could not be helped, and other times, it was just a stupid choice.

I kind of think I need to change this… and I can see two ways to go about it.

1) I can be sure and not take on more until I have caught up, finishing what I start before I move on to the next thing …

2) I can choose to ignore everything, box it allll up and let my girls deal with it all, whenever THEY get around to doing something with it…

**sigh**

Come on viggo, we have leaves to rake ~ tell you what! If you help me, I’ll let you jump in the pile first…

:*

o'dark thirty

For some reason, I noticed that it was pretty dark this morning when I got up ~ (okay, WOKE up, but that is beside the point)I'm not early this morning, so the day is just naturally that way right now.

It triggered something in me though, an odd thing that happens every year about now (I would imagine anyways) ~ It triggered the need to sit with my coffee cup and actually wake up before I faced my day.

There is something to be said for sitting at the window in the silence, watching the world wake up around you, with you for that matter. It was nice ~ even the dogs didn't bother me until I asked them if they wanted to go outside.

So... I'm awake, and for now, not thinking to hard about the needs of the day.

Off to feed the horses, and then?

**shrug** Maybe the attitude to have is to "see what the day brings"

:D

Mornin!

at least it is for another two hours on my coast.

Been over to feed the Budman, he's lookin' thin and nasty to me. The hay is just not enough for him, I've got to run down and get some alfalfa hay to add to the daily feed routine ~ either that, or start him on the grain. I'll worm him next week before the vet comes, and then order up a trim for his footsies ~

I've got him a field, and shelter for the winter, though I do not think that they are the best in the world. He'll do fine, I just wish it were my own place, ya know?

**sigh**

Was just looking at a stock tank deicer, wanted to know what size (wattage) for my tank ~ the chart hummer used the "Arbor Day Foundation"
zones thing for their information ~

The slightly "doctored" list for the Number 2 zone (up there, above Minnesota) said... (and I quote) "For the love of all that is good and great, MOVE to a WARMER place!" (unquote)

Anyone with that kind of humour can definately have my business! :)

by the by, I live in zone 6, I need a 750 watt deicer. Erk.

No word on the little kitty yet, I'll run up in a minute or three. The phone was busy last time I called, so it would be faster to just go. I need some eye stuff for the dogs, and Harley has something in one of his ears ~ I may just get the stuff to clean it first, then add to the vet bill if that does not help.

It is cold here, and it was gray this morning. Red sky, means lousy weather for the next 24 hours at least. Another pressure change and the sinus headache has returned...

**sigh**

No resolution really on feeling down and rejected by everyone I thought I was working hard for. I do not get it ~ not really anyways. I always knew it was a thankless job, but hey... this is ridiculous. The eldest (married, to many bills and a thankless husband) seems to think that it was easy to pay rent, food and all medical bills for three people on 1000.00 a month. Which is weird, because she knows that the rent was 800.00 ~ no utilities included in that. On top of the electric bill, I provided meals, cell and regular phone service, and gas/maintenance for the car ~ (thank the powers that be for my other mother, it is her car that I drove..drive!!) I even paid for the dings and dents the then beginning driver (read: she) put in that same car... that, and the vet bills for all the creatures we seem to accumulate without even trying ~

When it got to be to much, and I was going under (fast) and my dad got sick, we moved in here to fray the cost of living. The only thing that changed was the rent ~ still paid utility, and the cell phones and the gas/maintenance on the car, food, phone/internet and vet ~ the girls had no lack for anything their heart asked for.

**sigh** Now? All I get is judgment ~ mostly from the eldest, who has a spouse that provides a house, her truck and 9 horses, and three pigs on 80 acres of land...

The only thing is that the youngest chooses to live with them, as she can not tolerate my mother... and I understand that ~ I barely can some days either!!

**sigh** yeah. **shrug**

I'm sure I will get over it, and soon.

Maybe. A job would help, being a bit healthier would help, and not living with my mom would help.

The logical thing to do is toss out the entire storage, and kill the cell phone service, and move my ass to somewhere else.

Not sure why I don't...

**sigh**

I just brought home a new kitten.

Well, it isn't home yet, I left it with our vet to see if it was okay enough to bring home to the rest of the pets.

No, I do not need another animal ~ but it needed me.

:)

Irritable

It is gorgeous out today, the dogs are out in the yard just sitting in the wet grass and leaves. I wanted to try to take a picture, but the moment I get out the door, they are up and at the gate. Half an acre of lawn, and they wait to tear about until they are IN the house. As they are soaked (and smelly) I make them wait in their kennels until they are dry.

I've moved the kennels downstairs. I do not know what my mom is going to do with that, but hey ~ I'm trying to make this room here alll my own, and the kennel was in the way. I do not know that it will necessarily stay down there, but for now? **shrug** it needs too.

I'm still very down on myself. I lost yesterday to a migraine/sinus headache, today the sinus part continues. As I owe the doctors somewhere over 30 grand, I am loathe to go back for the sinus infection that I know is brewing in my head.

I hope to get some help with the medical now, I have no income, only outgo. Maybe THAT will qualify me for SOME kind of help??

Probably not. **sigh** The way the government here in the states works is completely screwed up. I should pose as a foreign and then maybe I could get some help.

**sigh** Don't get me wrong, some of my best friends are from Mexico, they work as hard as I do ~ but they still get help for the medical... so ... whats up with that?

**sigh**

**shrug**

yeah, the system is kind of odd. It is presumed (I think) that they have nothing, where it is presumed that I have things... a car, a house, etc etc... I don't. If it weren't for my mom, I'd be out on the street. Lord knows my children won't take me in!

**sigh**

yes, that makes me feel the loser, especially the kid part. I feel rejected by my own girls...

what did I do wrong? What did I do that was so bad, except do my best? I think I did to much actually, and did not make them feel the pain of having to do whatever you have to to make ends meet ~ I went without so they could have, I did not use "their" money for anything but them...

Self sacrifice is WAY OVER RATED. Do NOT do it!!! NOBODY GIVES A SHIT WHEN YOU DO.

*sigh* I probably won't ever figure it out. It's not THAT important, but there is a part of me that is turning quite cold. The way I feel right now, I do not think I will lend any more money, or "loan" any of the things I value to them... by and large it is not taken care of, and is ruined by them and their dogs...

yeah.

So. why do I feel so bad about myself? WTF is up with that?

It makes me irritable...

:p

Loser

It is Monday afternoon out here in the west. I have been sitting on my backside most of the day, and the time I am not sitting, I have been asleep.

GUESS WHAT??

I have developed a migraine. I am never sure if it is the stress, the over work, or the lack of coffee when they hit like this ~ this time though, I am sure it is all three. Though I did run out of coffee three days ago? I thought I would have had a high blood to caffeine ratio by now? **shrug** guess I was wrong.

To tired to do anything ~ noise hurts, moving hurts, eating hurts, swallowing hurts...

I did manage to feed Bud this morning, and my landlady at the barn is going to put him out for the afternoon. I hope to feel good enough to go over and put him back in for the night ~ LL doesn't have to do that! She is so sweet.

I'd love to move away from here I think. I do not have any ties to the valley anymore now that t2 and t3 are not in school here. I had thought about working for one of the local ski areas for the winter, but... I do not want to, not really. Both are "to young" for me ~ meaning I am to old for them as a "new" employee.

Was turned down for an job because I am "to experienced" ~ BULLSHIT. I won't give anyone my resume again it shows the gaps that were filled by motherhood, sudden illness, sudden single motherhood, and then teenage angst...

**sigh**

Okay, so THAT train of thought is depressing, eh? Everything I went through, I now have NOTHING TO SHOW FOR IT, and am STILL stuck in the shithole someone else dug.

**shrug**

sleep looks pretty good. Oblivion from the loserness that I feel right now.

**sigh** yeah, the loser will still be here when I wake up, but maybe I can deal with her better when my head doesn't hurt so bad, ya know?

tea first

Today is the first day of the week ~ or, at least I think it is? According to conventional wisdom at any rate, eh?

Yet again, I helped someone else today, and I am not a happy camper about it. I can not exactly say why this is either.

I might be mad at myself because I apparently can not say no. **sigh**

or, I am just being selfish, and when I see all the things I have to do for myself, and then spend the day doing work for others, I get all **growl** about it.

**shrug** ah well. One of these days I will learn to say "no" ~ I really do not owe anyone anything anymore, at ALL, so... I do not really want to know why I keep saying yes.

Mostly because then I'd have to take this goooood long look at myself, and find out that I have this complex going where I want to please everyone...when I only have to please myself now.

ya know?

**sigh**

yeesh.

so ~ yeah, I'm tired, and grumpy. Time for bed maybe? Time to drink some hot tea and hope my body slows down and goes to sleep???

would be nice.

6:30 p.m and my body wants to sleep.

tea first... tea first.

prolly.

sitting still

I find myself doing things that ought not do. I did not think that this was even possible, but I do.

Somewhere, somehow in the "doing" of life, I over give of myself, and I do it nearly EVERY time I go to help someone.

I do not know when to stop, when to say "i'm pooped" and "i goooottaaa slow down" ~

**sigh** Fibromyalgia has a way of making a body drop whether the person residing inside the body wants to or not.

Now, you would think that this is no big deal, right? Just relax and go to sleep...

**sigh**

Sadly, with the fibroshititus, (as I fondly call it) when I am so worn out that I am about to drop, my body will does not slow down. It hurts, and hurts and hurts and hurts... and continues to hurt, even though I am lying down, trying to rest, and recuperate from over doing...

I have had days when the ordinary tasks of every day life are impossible to do, where just getting up and going to the bathroom becomes an effort of Olympic proportions.

erk.

So, after two days of driving, running about and basically over doing, I am off to repair more fence, put the Budman out for his hours in the pasture, and try not to cry when ever I move a body part.

I'm not to be sitting still ~ I REFUSE TO GIVE IN TO THIS SHIT.

or at any rate ~ kill myself trying not to!

**yawn**

I am moving so very slow today. Fed Bud at 8:30, and now am listening to the program my daughter produces on the radio...

:) I am so happy for her, I could bust. Today they are raising money for Breast Cancer Research ~ most of it will go to a local hospital to fund mammograms for women that can not afford them.

Susan B Komen web site is a wonderful resource for anyone that needs it by the way. I've worn their pink bracelets for years, and have an ORIGINAL one to this day.

Did you know that more women die each year in the US from breast cancer than AIDS and car accidents combined?

so says the radio. :)

Got through the night with Hurricane Omar, it passed south and east of the island where my brother and sis in law were stranded ~ once the buoys read a steady 9 knots for the winds for about an hour, I sent my last email to them and went to bed.

I was the "tracking" system for the days ~ I like to flatter myself and say I kept them safe... ;)

I've not HAD to get up every two hours for a long time.

I'm not sure why it feels any different than it does to have insomnia and get up every two hours (?) but in my mind, it is not the same. Minds are weird things, aren't they??

**shrug**

So, this morning, I am running necessarily late. Bud is waiting to go out to run, I have to go back to the city because I was in a hurry yesterday and left things at home...

I do not know where my mind is these days. I have come down to the thought that somewhere, I am still thinking that I have time, but I do not do things before hand like I used to ~ i.e. get stuff ready so I can work on a different something that has to be done right up to the time I am ready to go out the door. (yeah, it IS a terrible sentence ~ read it again, it will make sense)

In the time of the "before" I would have all the stuff ready to go that I have to have ready to go... now? I don't get the stuff ready, but still think I can work up to the very moment I have to leave to go DO that stuff. AS the stuff is not ready, I have to get the stuff ready, making me late, so it doesn't all get done, and more oft than not it gets left undone, making me have to make two trips to do one thing.

Oh so very not good. I am irritating the HELL out of myself with this little quirk.

GRRRR. SO!!

I got to get the stuff ready to go to the city with so that when I go to put the horse out, it will be ready to go with, and I can continue on to the city.

anyone still confused?

:)

shoulda been

Spent the day doing things that I need to do. Did not sleep last night, but I blame that on the moon ~ it was full last night, and no clouds at ALL, despite what the weather man said it would be. Once I was actually ASLEEP, my mother called and got me up at 5:30. SHE was on a plane for Detroit...but her backside was still parked at the gate at JFK in NY City ~

Everything I did today was something that I used to do with my girls. Raked the side yard, scattered the moldy (inedible) hay over the bare spots on the lawn, loaded the car to drop stuff off at the storage, made plans for moving things about in the storage...

ALL of that I would have had company and help with ~ Without the girls, I was lonely, and kept wanting to quit because of it. I do not understand why I felt that way, the "normal" feeling would have been to have everyone just "GET OUT OF MY STINKIN' WAY!!!" ... it should have been better today, without having the closed in and "OMG I could do this better alone" feeling ~ thing ~ thoughts.

Wasn't better. It was awful.

**sigh**

I'm going to bed.

slept

But not until about 2 in the morning. I am slowly dealing with the fact that there isn't anyone here save myself, and that is okay.

"okie day" **sigh**

Still, it makes me sad at times. So much change in so little time is hard to do. It is also very odd to have more time than I did, but never have enough time to finish what it is I am doing... Like everything goes a bit unfinished at the end of the day or something.

Its' like...I can get up, get myself moving, and then I get lost ~ I have not a clue in the world what time it is, then quite suddenly I find that the sun is setting and I am tired, ready for my bed ~ done with the day without ever knowing the day was running on.

It feels off putting in a way, like I am no longer master of my life. Oddly enough, that is not true ~ I am actually in charge of my own life for the first time in 26 years...June of 1983 was the last time I can recall not having to think of someone else first.

Guess it just is not important sometimes to be attached to a clock, to a schedule, or someone elses schedule.

It is taking some getting used to.

Cloudy today, with sunshine when the clouds let it through. I've all the laundry finished ~ the cat is sleeping in the middle of it on the love seat downstairs. I've baked myself brownies, made different things for Breakfast and Lunch, and now am considering what to have for dinner (supper?).

Maybe pizza and a beer...

:)

dragging it out

today, Bud is being made to wait for his food, I have to take down the fence in the field where he spent his summer ~ so I have taken the liberty of being a few hours later than normal to his nom.

poor beast will be bitchy, but hey... he can deal, ya know?

The place where I kept Bud all summer taught him some seriously bad habits, the worst of which is to lean on fences. He did not do that when I got him, and now? He does it constantly... because people have been giving him goodies over said fences.

so...NOW the people that taught him such crap want ME to replace THEIR fences.

it will not happen, as I told them more than many times that they were going to have troubles with him...

**shrug**

SO!! eyah. I shall call their phone while they are at church. to say I am not needing their field any longer, and ask where I can put the sprinkler pipes for the winter.

Bud messed those up good too.

**sigh**

yeah. so I am off to the day, though I did not sleep to very well last night. The "newness" of the room bothered me I think.

sadness, in a good way

Today was started slowly, I did not get over to feed Bud until nearly 9 ~ oddly enough, he was okay with that, at least he did not act as though he was upset with me. No kicking the wall to make me hurry, nothing.

It was the same tonight. Weird.

**shrug**

I spent most of the day taking things apart ~ mostly the bunkbeds that the girls have slept in for the past four years. I was okay with it, until I slowed down long enough to admire the space that I know have about me.

**sigh**

makes me want to cry that the end of this era is here. I miss the girls pretty bad tonight, and there isn't anyone to call...

ah well.

I think I will go to bed, read a book and deal with all this shit in the morning.

I hate it when I feel like this.

:*

butt ache

now, don't go getting silly on me... If you read yesterdays post it will make a lot of sense...

I surely did go and get way to happy with me.

Getting up this morning was a complete and total wash out of everything I have accomplished since Tuesday morning when I woke up spontaneously...

**sigh**

I bit myself in the butt.

yummy.

:P

**sigh** bet there are a lot more people in this world than just me that do this on a regular basis.

hope they don't get as mad or upset with themselves as I do.

**sigh** off to feed the horses FOR THE NIGHT.

eyp! I am sooo far behind that it is still yesterday night, ya know?

:*

to far ahead of myself

I am SOOO on a roll here, I got up this morning at 6, and though I did not really sleep all the way through the night, I did sleep. No dreams though, which is the "eiiieee." **does nasally noise and the hand wave thing that universally means things could go either way** I don't sleep as well when I dream, but I am told that I am not really asleep unless I dream...

It is confusing, eh? At any rate, I got up, had coffee, and got myself some breakfast before I went "over the way" to take care of the Budman. It put me later than normal for Bud, but instead of running back here for breakfast and coffee, then running back across to let Bud in the big field for the day ~ I decided it just might be a tad bit smarter to have me fed first, so that I can go over, feed, do the barn chores, and then get him out to the big field for the day ~ thus I am finished with him until I want to ride, or until the evening when it is time to come in to sleep. Only glitch was that I forgot his carrots, and he had to settle for an apple ~ he was not to sure about it, though he did eat the thing. Could be because it was a Granny Smith?? I do not care for Grannys' (except as applesauce) so... that is why he got it.

SO!!! three does a row make, so I am happy with that. Next? Maybe I will stop drinking coffee altogether...

**shudders** yeah, I know I really should, but I have learned over the years that I can not make to many changes at once, 'cuz I fry what few brain cells I have left.

I've a loaf of bread started, though I am cheating and using the machine ~ and a load of clothes in the washing machine.

Damn me if I ain't almost organized!

**smort**

yeah, I know... don't get to far ahead of myself, or myself will curve back around and bite me in the butt.

:*

wish I could do that...

okay, so ... yeah. Why change? Why make oneself different?

Because this one hasn't any idea what she is, thats why.

I got up in a TOTAL funk this morning. I also woke up at THREE FREAKING A.M ~ wide awake and ready to take on the day. THREE A.M!!!!! What the HELL is up with that? WHY ME??? (Lord? Mom...?? Anybody??)

**sigh**

Could not get back to sleep, so I just got up and did. I wonder if my body is used to a particular amount of sleep, and once that amount is achieved, it goes *BRRRRRRRNG!!!* and I am cursed for the day blessed with a new day... no matter HOW dark it still is outside?

What ever it is, I have been up and going ever since, with one slight dip in production when I sat down to have my morning caffeine ~ Garbage truck stopping across the street put a fast end to that, because then I remembered that I hadn't remembered to get the rollie can out to the road last night ~ Then that was all she wrote for any more napping, the dogs and cats woke up, and the coffee kicked in...

After (what I thought) was a fast visit with the junk man, I was late to the morning munch fest for the Budman, and he was NOT a happy camper.

Two days, and he has already adjusted to the earlier time.

Wish I could do that...

:*

brain wanderings too early in the morning

Today is the second consecutive day that I have managed to get up by 7. I've been over to feed Bud, and am back here for my own breakfast, coffee and other animal chores that I have every morning.

Kind of stinks that I can not take my dogs with me to take care of the pony, but I am sure I will get over it by the end of the day. Old Dog just gives me such a beaten look when I leave without her, I feel worse than guilty.

BUT!! Bud is sheltered, and getting fat already. It surely did not take him long to settle in.

Todays list is a visit with my BFF ~ she is in from the Eastern Seaboard to help her parents for a couple of weeks ~ the rest of the day will be spent praying a lot that I have a job soon.

OMG I can't go wrong. I just checked my email and got one from JESUS ~ and he called me SWEETY.

**snort**

so. I am up, and though I do not think that two days in order make a row, by the strictest standards set by The American Heritage Dictionary, they do ... I personally must remember that Progress, how ever small, is STILL Progress.

I can see that I am going to need to be careful to not drink to much coffee ~ I seem to be having more to drink ~ mostly to try to offset the stupid hours I am trying to learn to keep. I blame the advertisers of the world for subliminally pounding it into my brain that more is good when one can not wake up with a single cup... It really DOES help to have more though, technically at least. I have to PEE a lot more, so could not fall asleep if I tried.

Unless I can find a way to sleep on the toilet...

yes EW.

Blueberry Bliss Luna bars are okay... except for the gas that results from eating them. :p

It occurs to me that I need to find a different kind of breakfast. The one I've been eating makes me pee a lot, and worse yet, fart ~ somehow I am not to sure that this increases my attractiveness, ya know?

I am bowing to advertising pressure, I am off to have my second cup of coffee.

:* mwah!!

Fabric and a bit of stuffing

This morning I woke up at 6 ~ and managed to crank my backside out of bed by 7. This change shit is so HARD to do!!! I just wanted to stay cocooned in the warmth of my big quilt, the single relic from my marriage to the girls dad.

I LOVE my quilt, nearly as much as I hated being married to the S.D. (Sperm Donor ~ the girls father)

I took a few moments just now to look through the few things I have here at the house (most of my things are in storage) and there really is nothing that is from my marriage. None of my clothes, none of my furniture, no lights, no phone, no motor car...Nothing.

Everything that I have here is what I had before I married T.D. ("Their Dad") or things that I have acquired since we split up.

I certainly did not actually PLAN to get rid of things, and I can honestly claim that the purge of "ours" was not intentional.

The one exception to the total disappearance of the "us" is my quilt. The youngest two girls were conceived under it, it moved from coast to coast with me, and after T.D split our family up, it kept me warm on the bathroom floor where I would go every night ~ to cry alone and as quietly as I could for many weeks thereafter. I remember falling asleep on the rug in front of the bathtub, wrapped in my cocoon of darkness ~ exhausted in every fiber of my being, not knowing if I had what it took to do it all over again when daylight came...

yeah. I love my quilt, it is big enough to be a pillow, a mattress and still have enough left over to do its' intended function of keeping me warm.

Fabric and a bit of stuffing ~ I think I will to go crawl under it, I really kinda need a hug from an old friend right now.

:*

and so, I begin again

I had something go through me today, something where I found that I was not who I really am.

It was odd to feel, to see, and to finally understand.

Great change has happened, most of it tangled within the month of September, 2008.

Now, it is time, at long last to figure out who Mogsie really is.

I wonder if I will stay at all the same ~ I can't imagine that I won't have a few things that are still me, but...

I don't know. I suppose I shall have to wait and see.

You comin' along?

Excellent.

Keep your hands inside the bus, and feet out of the aisles.

the horses might step on them if you don't.

:*